Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Day Twenty Seven......

Thee strangest adjectives.....

Bought some deodorant yesterday and decided that that'll be it for this blog post.



No, but seriously.....

So, I buy some deodorant, and I look, and the packaging says "BONUS!!!! FREE sample enclosed!!!"

I'm a huge fan of the word "free"......

Count me in!

OK, so I study the packaging to this free sample......and the descriptive terms it uses are.....errrmmm.......rather.....uhhh.....unique, shall we say!

Now.....first off, if something is described as over-
anything......that generally has a negative connotation or implication.......such as over-done, over-acting, etc. etc.

I mean, the term "over-engineered" sounds suspiciously like some MASSIVELY publicised project from, say, an automobile manufacturer or from a designer of computer operating systems (I mean, except for LINUX or Apple)........

.....and then the result ends up being The Pontiac Fiero or Windows Vista!!

And secondly, what the hell is "competitive dryness testing"??

As opposed to what?? Recreational dryness testing?? Was there a competitive dryness testing squad at Portland State University? And, most importantly, can I place wagers on the results in Vegas?

I can see it on CBSSportsLine now:
"Yeah, Frank......Jimmy The Greek likes Mitchum at home vs. Speed Stick by two-and-a-half tonight. He really doesn't think that Speed Stick can take the heat playing on the road before a national TV audience and a full arena full of competitive dryness testing fans at their nastiest screaming their brains out for Mitchum......"

Truthfully? I'm veeerrry leery of applying this stuff anywhere on my body......soooo......I dunno.....maybe I'll pawn it off on somebody and see whether they, after initial use, immediately sign a $30 million contract with the Los Angeles Lakers as a power forward, or if they sprout extra limbs shortly after use.....

OH RIGHT......the ride......almost forgot.....just got caught up and lost in my own blather there.....sorry.

Right.....sooooo, after a late start due to excessive dawdling, I take off towards Houston around 12:45pm, figuring that I'll nail 290 miles today to Hobbs, NM and split the remainder of the ride to Houston in two short embarrassingly easy segments of 220 miles each.

All was grand riding from Edgewood to what used to be called Rip Griffith's Truck Stop (NOW called "The official Corporate Buyout Truck Stop, brought to you by T/A TravelAmerica Travel Plazas" or some shit like that)

Well......soon as I killed a bowl of Chili (NO!!!!!! NOT that weird shit that the citizens of New Mexico say is chili.........noooooo.....this is the normal stuff that the other 49 states are familiar with and love) at Rip's place, I hit the open road around 1:35pm, or somewhere around there......

HMMMM......whhhhaaaaaaa???? Huh????

Apparently, my top speed is now capped at 67 M.P.H., and I'm losing about 20 to 25% of my Miles Per Gallon......

WTF??? was EASTERN New Mexico......flat, highly elevated plains....and perfectly fucking TREELESS!!


So.....trees SCREEN hyper-speed winds!! That's why, say, along I-70 in'll KNOW that you're coming to a settlement ("Town" doesn't seem like....errmm....the best noun to use here) because whilst the Interstate runs'll see thee, THEE only line of trees for twenty miles running from the Interstate in a North-South direction.

So, no biggie, I what? The wind is kicking the absolute hell out of my top speed and my M.P.G. (
Remember - This is a veeerrry light bike).....but stuff happens!!

Get to Vaughn, New Mexico.....gaz looks 100 miles to Roswell.....Mmmmm....yeah, no worries.

Boy did I fuck THIS one up.......

Actually.....truthfully.....New Mexico Department of Transportation fucked it up!

There were DEAD ZERO signs stating "NO services whatsoever for the next 100 miles"!!!

Now before you go on your "The Government is NOT your nanny!!!!" rant in the comments section, please understand - I mean, from personal experience, I can unequivocally state that at least 80% of the states that I have driven in WARN you with a sign where there will be no services available for the NEXT FIFTY MILES (or greater)!!!

This was ONE HUNDRED MILES and no sign? Huh??

Why not stop for gaz in Vaughn?

Why bother, I, depending which map you look at of Highway 87, there are TWO listed settlements along the way (Ramon and Mesa....which, upon blowing past them, turned out to both be fucking ghost towns....just like being trapped on an uncharted island, and you THINK that you see a ship.....but it's a mirage!!!!).

Then again.....these mapping websites also list an actual place smack in the middle of Griffith Park in The City of Beaverton, a settlement of some sort called "Beburg" (MapQuest FINALLY took it off, but if you go to
and for an address, type in 4755 SW Griffith Drive, Beaverton, OR 97005, you will not only see this bizarre Geographical phenomenon called "Beburg", but if you click on "Bird's Eye" view right on top of the building, you will see Beaverton City Hall's top commanders signaling and appealing to their alien overlords for help (for things like the proposed Wal-Mart, the most recent election, etc.)

Well.....I have spoken to Beaverton Historians.......

There is NO known reference nor any researched settlement AT ANY TIME in Griffith Park called "Beburg"

BUT....just goes to show that these mapping programs MUST be used very carefully.....they AIN'T gospel truth!!!!!!!!!!

The guy in the bar on his sixth martini drawing you a map on the back of a cocktail HE'S the gospel truth.

Right....., again, no worries.

Then....the fuel gage plummets like the Goddamm Dow Jones and I'm forty miles outside of Roswell.....and I'm furiously trying to estimate my petrol remaining (remember, I have NO "reserve tank" on The Helix). Stop at a rest area, and, Lo and California, the attendant is there busting his ass working. So I ask the kind gentleman, like, if there's ANY gaz station AT ALL between this rest area and Roswell (about 40 miles). But I MAY have some gaz I can give ya!

Really sweet guy....but guess what??? The LAST attendant at the rest area used his red plastic container full of gaz for.......

....a car a couple days ago that was driving through and ran out of gaz!!!!!!!!

I really almost phoned NM-DOT and tore into somebody there HARD about not placing a sign......thought better of it, though.....

The kind gentleman did offer me a refrigerated bottle of water, but I declined and thanked him politely and took off. It was 100-plus degrees out, but I was too furious to drink water.....go figure!!

I LITERALLY crawled to Roswell!! I mean, I was literally traveling at 45 M.P.H. to avoid wind resistance......thus save petrol.

I made it to the petrol station with one-tenth of a gallon remaining.......cute....

Blew outta there, easily did the remaining 120 miles to Hobbs, and drove around the city for another 20 miles trying to locate a motel with rooms available, as there was some sort of Electrical Workers convention (but WHY Hobbs, NM, for a convention.....with no major airport, NO Interstate anywhere near there.....and, thee most puzzling question - WHY on thee very day AFTER Memorial Day?? I mean, WTF??) and I was having zero luck.

DID find a place called The Desert Hills Motel, typed a blog, watched lightning off to the distant Eastern Horizon, and went to bed.

No pics.....if you really want to see towns like Vaughn, Ramon, and Encino, New Mexico.....go YouTube Green Day's vid Boulevard of Broken Dreams......and stare carefully at the first ninety seconds of the video......THAT is Eastern New Messico........ to Texas tomorrow.....



Anonymous said...

Historians? Which Historians.

I can attest to the previous existance of Beburg. However, since I was slighted, I will withhold details until a suitable offering is presented.


CN250 said...

NO SHIT, Hacksaw!!!

You're kidding, right??

I mean, Osterberg and Vicki (now, c'mon....they are about as "historian" as you can get!!!) had no knowledge of such a settlement named "Beburg"

I'm losing sleep over this, for chrissakes!!!!

Suitable offering....suitable offering....mmmmm.....

All right - I'll offer you the most prestigious thing that I can offer....

A slot on my pub quiz team at a NON-smoking establishment with your beers on my tab when I return August 1st!

I'd give you Osterberg's riding gloves.....but they've served me too well over the past 3500 miles, soooo.....


Buannan said...

Here's your Beburg hint....trains.

Anonymous said...

Buannan's hint is right on. The Oregon Electric Railway (circa 1910-1928 approx.) had a commuter stop called "Beburg" near the current City Hall. There was a sign out on the tracks that was there in recent years. I'll have to verify if it still exists now that the 21st Century version of commuter rail construction has ravaged the landscape. I think it was a nickname for a collection of homes just to the east of the main part of town, too. Since there were at least three different railroads operating in Beaverton in the early part of the 20th Century, they all had their own depots. Beburg was just one. There are other examples of them further west of Beaverton like "Tobias" and "El-Monica" that have either faded or got attached to something new. I will take you up on that offering - Hacksaw

CN250 said...

WOW!! Scheeeesch!!! Kudos to BOTH, Buannan and Hacksaw.......I could not find ANYTHING online about something named Beburg.

Now, though....if everything else fails upon my return to Portlandia in August, and I hafta end up going to graduate skool.....I'll make my Master's thesis about the lost tribe of the Beburgers!!

You BOTH have a seat on my pub quiz team when I return......I'll hide in the corner of the pub and silently watch :-)