Right.....so, I'm trying to get acclimated......

.....few weird things that I have encountered, followed by a few pics -

• Tuesday evening, Tuan invited Jerry The Gordie and myself to dinner at the house of his future son-in-law's family (daughter's boyfriend), whose name is Nam. I had been walking out about Hai Phong Tuesday Afternoon and had decided that it would be nice to pick up a bottle of vino for the hosts.

Well, I found a bottle of what appeared to be local stuff from a region called Dalat. 'K, I figured, I'll grab that (I ALWAYS try to drink locally) for 50,000 Dong. Took it back to the skool to show Tuan, and he laffed to absolutely no end......


....errrrmmmm.......


.....uhhhhh...........


.....apparently, The Vietnamese drink American or French wines, and this Dalat stuff is regarded to be some serious-ass rotgut!

Decided that if I brought it over, it would bring much dishonour to the house of future son-in-law's family. Kept it at home.

But hell, if I had known that they prefer American vino, I woulda brought over a case of Ernest & julio Gallo's best vinegar!! Shit.....probably coulda sold that over here forra full year's rent on my pad! I couldn't stoop THAT low, however, as to give my hosts E-J!!! Naw....thass bad form.......

• If I hear ANOTHER FUCKING ROOSTER screaming at 5AM, I swear, I'm gonna lose it.....

• Those goddamm little tiny red ants are STILL here from last time (see post of April, 2008)

• Took my very first ever ride in a Lada a couple days ago. THIS was a treat!! I mean, imaging thee, thee shittiest car that you have EVER bought for $150 when you were 16 years old and you'll still have a better car than a Lada!

A Lada is a Soviet-built car that makes the Yugo look like a Lexus by compare. This particular beauty that I rode in (THINK it may have been early nineties, not sure, though) featured wires hanging everywhere, windows that fell out of the track (so one could not open the windows), NO seatbelts whatsoever, and had NO keys for the ignition. No, it wasn't thefted at one time, but rather it WAS DESIGNED LIKE THAT......utilising a push-button ignition system to start the thing (I can only imagine that no sane person would want to steal it). In traffic of pedestrians, bicycles, skooters and God knows what else in a large Vietnamese city......it was certainly an interesting ride.

• The Vietnamese concept of boys and girls. Very interesting.....yet rather disconcerting. During coffee and bia with my friend Tam here in Hai Phong, she had asked me when I plan to get married. I had stated that I have no plans anytime soon to do so, and proceeded to explain the U.S. trend (for lack of a better term) of people either waiting to get married at a later age, or never getting married at all.

“But doesn't that bring unhappiness?? Not getting married and not having a family?”

“Well, no.....actually, it brings much happiness to a lot of people. I have several friends who are happy being single and childless.”

“But they are so lonely! It is so sad........”

“Waaaai........waaaai a sec. NOT necessarily! I mean, people in America do shack up and....”

“.....'shack-up'?? I do not understand?”

“I mean, like boyfriend-girlfriend, but they live in the same house together and sleep together and sometimes even have children together!!!!”

(Insert Jerry Brown look on Tam's face here)

“Errrmmm......you look stunned......”

“That is so unusual!!”

“Errmmm......not to Americans. Why, how does it go here, then?”

“We are very traditional here, and very reserved. We have no sleeping together until marriage. Until that time, we live at parent's house. And to 'shack-up together', as you say, brings great dishonour upon one's family....."

(Insert Jerry Brown look on MY face here)

“Shit!!! My parents COULDN'T WAIT to git rid of me when I left their house and had my first shack-up!! They even bought me a used car for that milestone in my life!”

It really seems a lot like high school....except that in America, it is a lot easier to get laid in High School before you're married than it as a unmarried adult in Vietnam!

Also, everybody is expected to spawn, as that bring much happiness. In addition, The State will arrest you and send you to a re-education camp if you are not married by age 30!

• The Vietnamese are SOOOO hospitable, that I suspect that there is really no such concept as a stranger to them. During the Tet holidays, I have been invited to so many dinners and parties, that it is really beginning to wear thin. I mean, if I am asked to go to another fucking party hosted by Tuan's nephew's cousin's brother's dentist's golf caddy....where literally dozens of fotograffs are snapped of me (a very Asian thing....I feel like a D-List celebrity and I have learned how to do The Queen's Wave very well)....I swear to God, I'm gonna fucking lose it!

The strangers that I see on the street smile and try to say “Hello” I respond back with a snappy “Xin Chow!” and that puts 'em off-guard a bit! People always wave and smile at me when I'm riding around town on a skooter.......The Vietnamese are very nice, good folk.

• Rode a skooter to a seaside town yesterday called Do Son. It is about 20 Kilometres from Hai Phong. Thought that I'd grab a nice waterfront hotel and hang on the balcony and have a few pints and finally have some time alone (a VERY uniquely North American/European concept). Well........that didn't happen.

The hotels that I found on the waterfront had used condoms lying all over the street, and unused ones on the floor in the hotel room (GROSS!!!) and the rooms were fairly dirty. I was warned that this is the Thailand of Viet Nam (Shit!! Even Bangkok was nicer than these places). Found a nice, clean one that is owned by an elderly couple closer inland towards the town for 200,000 Dong a night (like, twelve bucks) and figured that I can deal with not having the South China Sea underneath my balcony in exchange for a clean room and a decent area where I'm not asked everywhere I go if I would like “Boom Boom!”.

Then I fucked up and later found out that there ARE THREE ENTIRE SECTIONS to Do Son....each separated from each other by four mies of jungle. Screwed that up and thought that the first built-up section was the ENTIRE town and grabbed the hotel there. But still, it's a nice hotel (save for the overpowering blast of mildew scent emittng from the bafroom)....but, since it's the Tet holiday, I am thee only person in this entire hotel (of, like, 50-plus rooms).....feels a bit like “The Shining”, but without the snow.

Plus, it's like 50 degrees and humid (so it feels very cold).....so the idea of hanging on the beach can wait until the 35 degree (CENTIGRADE) days arrive.

Ripped open the Dalat vino whilst typing this in my room. It's NOT fatal....but it does have the power to strip old paint offa walls, soooo......it'll work if you're having the DT's........


Oh yeah, the pics......


















Arrival at Hanoi Airport....




















The staff in front of the school....





















Riding back into town with the Tet peach tree.....

























Dalat wine....




















I couldn't quite grasp this one. I mean, I saw this tabletop at the clean hotel in Do Son run by the nice elderly couple. Is it saying that condoms often surf on top of dolphins in area waters whilst holding a life preserver?

• My friend Tam and I were looking for food. Vietnam is kinda weird in that you can generally only find food around mealtimes, as cafes and such shut down the kitchen during 9 to 11AM and 2 to 5PM and 8PM - onwards.

Well, Tam took me to an American food place and asked me if I wanted to go in. I figured that she could use a bit of fattening up......so we headed in .....



















































Wings and ribs....oooooh man, MUCH better then pig's lung and goat's feet!! I sure got that -itis once again.




I begin one week of observing classes (thank Christ) on Monday.....then, next Monday, I'm going to attempt to teach.

Pray for me.....I'll keep ya posted on how that goes!!

-E-

Toto, I don't think we're in Oregon anymore.....

....right. So, I die around 4am Thursday Night/Friday Morning, and then, at like, 7:30am, Tuan wakes me up - "Teacher, Teacher.......you must wake up!" 

"Where's the fire?" I grunt.

"No fire, no fire. Office staff come in today! Yesterday final day of school. But all staff come in today for special visit just to meet you!"

The fuck????

"Errmmm......they, uhhh, normally have off today?"

"Yes, but they all make special effort to come to greet and meet you!"

You're kidding, right?

"Errmmm.......uhhhh.....OK. Uhhhh, let me shower and I will meet them in the office."

The E is NOT at his best before noon......and he can be particularly pissy around 7:30am.

.....so, after a shower and a still-shitty disposition, I manage to walk downstairs to the office and was greeted by a gaggle of young Vietnamese girls who compose a few of the teaching staff and the bulk of the office administrative staff. After brief introductions, we all went upstairs to Tuan's living quarters and sat around a table, where, over tea, I was peppered with questions about The United States, general questions about myself, and then some personal questions about myself by said gaggle of girls:

“Where you live in America?”

"A city called Portland, in a state called Ora-gaaan" (hey – gotta teach 'em to talk like Easterners).

“Where is that?”

"It's on the West Coast of America, not too far from California" (fuckin' EVERYONE'S heard of California, I figured).

“You near the beach?”

"110 kilometres away!"

“Where were you born?”

"A town called Buffalo......in a state called New York, but NOT New York CITY!!"

“What your job before you come here?”

I really couldn't explain the occupation of “unemployed drifter and writer” to them, so I went back to my last (semi-)legitimate position, and tried to explain Urban Planning to them.

“Are you single?”

"Errrmmm.....yes.........."


“Can I have your phone number?”

"...................

...................

.......errrrmmm..........sure........OK, it's 125-65-......."



Five cell fones popped out with fingers at the ready........













After that, Tuan and I and two of his guys on staff rode skooters out into the countryside to pick out (what I THINK was) a kumquat tree. The Vietnamese use them for Tet (I guess kinda like how we use a small evergreen tree for Christmas), and this was thee most surreal skooter ride I haf EVER taken in my life. I did not realise that it was possible to drive a skooter whilst balancing a passenger who is carrying a four-foot kumquat tree and dodge cars, other skooters, bicyclists, pedestrians, water buffaloes, and fuck knows what else all at the same time......but I did it.....and I'll post pics to prove it later.

Beyond that, I am having several people go look for a house for me. No, it's not a house as we know it in the Western sense, because all structures within five miles of an urbanised area are attached.....the only DEtached houses are out in the sticks. Rather, the Vietnamese refer to all living quarters as a “house”......

Whilst it's quite amusing to reside in an empty classroom as I am doing now (HEY!!!!! I can hit the Internet, smoke and drink bia there!!!!), the Vietnamese, because of the ratio of population vs. land base, have no concept of the North American idea of privacy, and whilst I was asked if I would like to reside in an empty classroom during my tenure there, I politely declined. A fellow teacher from Vancouver, B.C. named Jerry (this Gordie who's about 55 years old) and I are trying to explain to Tuan the idea that North Americans, after reaching the age of 35 or so, generally prefer their own space with no roommates......


The Vietnamese culture is a hell of a thing for me to get a handle on. Seriously! I mean, to go cruise around as a tourist (as I did in April 2008) is one thing, but to live amongst an actual Vietnamese family and work there and RESIDE there is a whole different ball of wax!

Let's take food, for instance.......I should easily be able to shed a few lbs. here, as I was introduced to delicacies at the Dang family dinner table such as pig's lung, goat's feet, and shrimp that does NOT haf the shell at all and still has the head on it......bit disconcerting to maul this fresh out-of-the-water shrimp with it's little black buggy eyes peering at you......

....rice, noodles, Pho Bo (beef noodle soup) and fried spring rolls are pretty much my diet here.

Christ!! HOW will my body deal with the lack of chemicals and artificial preservatives??


The household lifestyle is a bit weird here, too. The women and children are to do ALL, and I do mean ALL, of the house work (I was thanked profusely when I was gathering the dishes after a meal to bring to the sink). And people (in an URBAN area) keep live chickens in a cage in the fucking bafroom!!!! Errrmmm.......uhhh......they weren't exactly pets, either.

And what they define as generational just blew me away!! For example, I had coffee with a friend (well, she had coffee.....I had bia). We were discussing the upcoming New Year's Eve festivities this evening and my friend had asked me what I am doing. I had explained that I was going to Red Square (the centre square in downtown Hai Phong.....it's NOT called “Red Square”, but thass what I call it) to watch the fireworks with Tuan's daughter, Thinm (which translates in English to “virgin” - seriously), and some of her friends.

“Oh. That is nice.”

"Why don't you come join us?"

“I was not invited to join.”

"Errmmm.....yeah.....you just were!!!!"

“No, by Thinm and her friends, I was not invited.”

"But you KNOW these people well.....so what???"

“E, it is different. I am not of, how you say, those people generation. They are younger....we do not do things together...........”

(insert Jerry Brown look here)

"Uhhh.....you're 24 years old, they're all 18 or so......and your point????!!??"

“You do not understand – they are younger than I am, and.....”

"Yeah, by all of six fucking years!! I mean,, I haf friends in Portlandia that run from 18 to 55 years old! And if the 18 year old will host a party, they will invite the 55 year old and everyone in between.....and vice-versa!!!!!!"

“Really?” (insert Jerry Brown look here on my friend's face)



Bizarre.....more later – I'm off to the fireworks now.....

-E-

P.S.- I haf all new contact information, including cell fone (if ya feel like dropping a hundred bucks per minute for hot, steamy English as a Second Language talk wiff me), a fone number to leave me messages at (it's a U.S. number – no International calling charge) and a SKYPE ID name. It's all on my Facebook page. If ya don't wanna join Facebook, leave me a comment and I'll get that info to you!

P.P.S. - Bought a case of Bia Ha Noi pounders (16 oz. bottles of Hanoi brand beer) today for 160,000 Vietnamese Dong......and where else can you have a night out where five pints cost you about a half-hour's salary (125,000 Vietnamese Dong)??

Go to www.xe.com and do the maths.....

'K.....so, I flew outta Pearson (YYZ - Toronto).....

....at some absurd hour in the A.M. (like, 6AM) after three hours of sleep.

Make it to Atlanta after an hour and a half on the flight from T.O. speaking and laffing with a cool Gordie chick named Angel, dawdled about Hartsfieid-Jackson forra couple hours, hopped on a painful 16 hour flight to Seoul, dawdled around Incheon forra couple hours, hopped on a painful 4 hour flight to Ha Noi and finally got there 27 hours from the time that I took off from Toronto.

Boy did THAT suck.....next time, it's outta PDX, thass for Goddamm sure!!


Got into Ha noi, Immigration and Customs didn't bat an eyelash (blew through them both in under FIVE MINUTES), got my luggage and walked out into the main terminal. Was told to go find Michael The Nigarian (I know....I know....sounds like a character from the film La Femme Nikita - "E, this is Michael The Nigerian....we could not send Viktor The Cleaner.....") and expecting to see a sign saying "Welcome to Viet Nam, E" but could not find ANY Nigerian-Vietnamese (as opposed to, say, African-Americans), nor anyone holding any signs to that effect.

After about 35 minutes, I went to some booth in Noi Bai Airport and got a SIM card for my quad-band world fone. Got a Vietnamese fone number and called the owner of my school, Mr Tuan Dang (or, as the Vietnamese would put it, Dang Tuan), and explained to him that I could not find Michael The Nigerian!

Tuan explained to me that both, he and Michael were there. I told them my exact location, then this gaggle of, like, nine people came spilling out of nowhere running up to me and started hugging me. I guess that there are folks who apparently were so excited about the arrival of the skool's first Yankee instructor that they all piled into a van for the two and-a-half hour drive from Hai Phong!

Errmmm........OK! Shit, I can't even git anyone to meet me at PDX or DEN.......

There was much happiness upon locating me at Ha Noi - Noi Bai airport, and a fotograff was taken with me being presented a bouquet of red roses by Dang Tuan's daughter (the pic of that will be in next post).

Again....I can't git anyone to meet me at PDX or DEN.

After a painful two-and-a-half hour van ride back to Hai Phong (where I was educated as to how to state the terms for fornication, male genitalia, and lady of the night in Vietnamese), we arrived at Tuan's estate (and, by Vietnamese standards, this literally IS an estate - it has FOUR CHANNELS of ESPN on a 1080p 52" screen), where we were treated to a splendid repast of food that I could not identify, several pints of Ha Noi brand bia (beer) and a few cigarettes.

I then went to bed and died a happy man......

.......more soon.....

-E-

Right. So we've gotten to the end of your skooter trip.....and your month in Asia......and......??


Well.....I made it back home in to The Hills of Cedar in mid-August. So....what was I to do??

Basically, after being nudged out the door by the managers that I had worked for in the municipality that I was employed by (where one consultant described the Human Resources department there as ".....surreal....unlike anything I had ever seen before...."), I had decided to cash in a shitload of frequent flyer miles, spend a month in China and Vietnam, then ride my skooter around the perimeter of the U.S and parts of Canada.

A couple people had told me THAT was bullshit and that I should look into Civil Litigation (e.g. - lawsuit).


Upon consulting wiff my attorney, the attorney had stated that -


"......uhhhh.....I know of the upper echelon management in ---------, and I'm familiar with the elected officials there......and, yeah.....yeah....you'll win twenty....thirty G's.........................................................................................

....................................................

....................................................

..............but I know how these people work. And if you engage in litigation against them.......???





You'll never get another planning position in the State of Oregon again.............at least not in the Public Sector.

Ahhhhh.........remember a certain annexation proposal of a certain large sportswear manufacturing company?"



Errrmmm........right.



Uhhhh.....yeah. The attorney DID know how these people did things.......






So, decided to cut my losses, hit the road, and come back wiff a BUNCH of plans when I got home in August.


Plan A - Obtain employment with The City of Portland in an Urban Planning position.

Plan B - Obtain employment in a Public Sector municipality in a suburb of the City of Portland in an Urban Planning position.

Plan C - Obtain employment in the private sector in the City of Portland in an Urban Planning position.

Plan D - Obtain employment with a Public Sector municipality in the Pacific NorthWest in an Urban Planning position.



......................


............OK............

.................

You git the idea......

Basically, I had plans that literally did go down to NIGHTMARE Plan Z - which was, all else fails, go to Michigan and go to Graduate skool.


HOWEVER, I was intrigued by what I was told by some Vietnamese folks in Hanoi........which was that basically that natives of one of the Big Seven English-speaking nations (U.K., Ireland, U.S.A., Canada, Sowf Africa, Australia and New Zealand) can prosper QUITE nicely in Viet Nam teaching English to people for 20 hours a week.


Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.....................................


.....very intriguing! But as much as I really, really enjoyed Viet Nam and the people there......I had really zero desire to leave Portlandia!

But what the hell???? Why not?? Heck......I'll make THAT idea Plan "Y"! Why not?? THEE last-ditch before the nightmare scenario of Plan Z!!!





Came back home to Portlandia in Mid-August...............



............Uhhhhhhhh.....Errrmmmm..............yeah. Nobody told me that we were going to enter an economic DEpression..................



Well, needless to state, Plans "A" through "X" didn't quite pan out the way that I'd expected, and, as things ended up.......I could not obtain employ in the Lower Forty-Eight states!!!

And I got four months of busting my ass searching forra job and a huge ole stack, literally, no exaggeration, a STACK of rejection form letters to show for it.

First, I thought about what a fuck-up that I am!!! Jesus.....sad, really......

THEN - I see reports of illegal immigrants going back home VOLUNTERIALY??????

THEN - I read a story in the bOregonain about an Urban Planning professional with degrees from Harvard AND M-I-fucking-T who can't git a job.....

Uhhh....yeah....then I knew it wasn't me and that we have got some serious economic issues in The United States!!

Plan "Y" was looking more and more attractive as the days of unemployment rolled by.

Did a LOT of online research, made a few contacts (which ALMOST actually ended up with me being in Korea)...................


...............and in seven hours from now.......................


....................I'm off on a flight to Hai Phong, Viet Nam to teach English.

Job offers in Viet Nam??

One.

Job offers of ANY sort in the lower forty-eight states of the U.S.A.???

Zero.





Oh God......


....What the hell WAS I thinking????









Jes' the beginning of a new adventure, I guess.............






More on here after I land.


-E-

THANK YOU!!!!

(part deux)


Now, leaving Brooklyn, through to Montreal, and then to Western New York, I stopped and enjoyed the usual hospitality befitting a monarch provided to me by my best friends parents and spiritual advisers, Judy and The Doctor, in their lakefront estate in Wilson, New York. It is most likely because of their kind gift of a Native American fetish necklace that they overnight mailed to me the day before I left for Asia, that I managed to control the skooter at 70+ M.P.H. during a rear tyre blowout in the middle of South Dakota, escaping possible death and even road rash!

Thank you both!!


I should also thank the Seneca Niagara Casino and Hotel for tossing me five free nights in their hotel.....but......Christ.....they took enuff of my money, sooo........

********************************************************

Shortly after that, a mellow yet fun weekend stay with my goombas Parker and Banker at the beachfront cottage on Lake Huron provided by my friend Binkley and his beautiful wife, the lovely Donna, really set me right and had me ready for the long ride back home to Portlandia. Thanx, guys!


********************************************************

Ma and Cowboy in the Black Hills of South Dakota are always there for me with very hearty food, beers, and great conversation whenever I'm in West River (the Western part of South Dakota). Next time I'm in town - Cowboy's gotta drag me to one of the neighbourhood Friday Night Hold 'em nights! A huge thank you to you both for always extending your hospitality whenever I randomly pull up to your front door unannounced!!

I also want to thank Wrong Parts Jackson! A guy who always has a place for me to stay in Rapid City, and is always at the ready to kick my ass at billiards or darts. And his lovely ex, Dede! Both always ensure that I have an absolute riot when I'm in Rapid City! Thank you both so much!!


********************************************************

Usually, you can suss out the true souls from the drinking buddies amongst your friends during times of serious adversity. Such was the case when, on what I thought would be a mellow and easy cruise to Denver from Rapid City, the skooter decided to absolutely and totally fry the clutch!! Got towed to a Honda dealership on East Colfax, and my ex-cousin-in-law, Darryn, drives from his pad (more than 30 miles outside of Denver), comes and fetches me and tells me to make his house my own for as long as I wish!!

This would prove very handy, as the dealership took five business days to receive the parts to repair the Helix, and Darryn even drove me to Union Station in Downtown Denver to grab to train to Reno to meet my mum forra few days of gambling!

I say "ex-cousin-in-law"......thass bullshit. Actually, he is (and always will be) part of the family! Whether he likes it or not!!


********************************************************

Finally, thanx to Schumann, The Toth, V and Buannan for meeting me upon my finale at Rockaway Beach, Oregon for the coming home party! Probably one of the most memorable evenings of my life! The Toth, you must dance more!!!


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Again, it's EVERYBODY I have mentioned in this acknowledgment that made this ride possible!! And I beg forgiveness if I have omitted any one at all (please E-Mail me and tell me if I have slighted you). I mean, these people were driving me to and from various skooter repair shops in various foreign cities, allowing me to crash on their couches, their spare bedrooms, feeding me and forcing various evil alcoholic beverages down my throat.

THESE PEOPLE really are what the story written in this blog is all about.......


......me???

Shit......I just was lucky enuff to ride an incredible machine around the perimeter of this great continent! I really didn't do anything.......

......I was just along for the ride!


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


So, my perspectives of the ride?

OK....first off......SHIT!!!!! Did I really DO THIS????

Literally? I am still in disbelief....12,000-plus miles???!?!!

OK...let's be honest.....Yeah, it was amazing. But after I hit ten thousand miles, it literally began to seem like drudgery. I just wanted to git home. The first three thousand miles were filled with adrenaline-rushed amazement....

.....after that?? It wore a teeny bit thin.......

.......then, the next seven thousand miles were a lot of fun. Not hyper-fist-pumping-amazing...but pretty cool nonetheless.

But by the time I hit Rapid City, I just wanted to git my ass home thee quickest and soonest way!

After that, when the clutch fried in Commerce City, Colorado......I wondered aloud the title of this blog - "WHAT the hell was I thinking??????!!!???"

But The Helix made it.

Being a Geographer, it's one thing to look at a map, but entirely another to actually SEE FIRSTHAND this mammoth landmass we refer to as North America. I mean, it's a lot bigger in person than it looks on a map.

I know - that's trite and hackneyed, but shit.....that's the truth and that is the way it is!!!

I really hope you had a laff reading this, and that it was just as much fun to read as it was for me to write.....

Thank you,

-E-

This is gonna take a while to re-start.....



Left Portlandia on a cross-country drive and I did NOT remember to bring both my laptops with me!! Three hours of sleep and a five-hundred-plus mile drive ahead of you will help you to forget about checking to make sure that you have ALL of your shit before you hit the road!

My friend V is mailing them to me to pick up when I arrive in Western New York.

So, I'll re-start it NEXT TUESDAY with part II of my acknowledgements and the beginning of another weird, fucked-up, "Christ!-WHAT-was-he-thinking??" adventure.....

-E-

Acknowledgements....

Epitaph.....Part One: THANX!!

Shit.....how do I write this?

Considering that, in the five months since I've gotten home, I have had -



- several pub quizzes



-several nights catching up with people from my homeland (and I still haven't caught up wiff all of 'em yet)



-one shit-kicker stomach flu (brought by the Portlandia drought season's three days of 100+ degree temperatures)



- too many trips to the ocean



- ten days hangin with my mum (who flew out here from Buffalo)



- a week in Reno and Lake Tahoe



- spent time hunting for a job for the past four months and have a huge stack of rejection letters to show for it and nothing else....



- watched The Buffalo Bills go 4-0.....and then promptly collapse!!





......and I'm trying to return things back to normal here in The Hills of Cedar.........

....I sincerely apologise for the lateness of this communiqué.




So where do I start?


Let's start as to how it was done.



How was it done???



Honestly? I didn't do a Goddamm thing!!! The Helix did it ALL! And this entire trip....this entire story? I believe it is more about the people who made it possible, and there were a lot of 'em.....and I wanted to write all about these people. Because, otherwise, you're reduced to writing about fucking landscapes and weather patterns. Wow......I don't think I could handle the excitement in writing about things like that, and besides, taking fotograffs eliminates the work in having to come up with whimsical phrases and droll anecdotes to describe an approaching cold front or a hill, sooo......

.....there's NO WAY in highest hell that it would have EVER gotten done if it weren't for the help of a lot of souls.......there's a lot of people to whom I owe a great debt, and I would like to thank, so let's go chronologically.....

******************************************

Starting out, let's begin with Action Motor Sports in Gresham, Oregon. Yeah, I wasn't terribly pleased with the grand total of the tab I paid, but they gutted the Helix, ran it through a severe once-over, and put it back together.........

......and, 'cause of them, I was not stuck on the side of the road until literally ten thousand miles later (and even then, a clutch is gonna go eventually....mine just happened to last longer! And they weren't supposed to check the clutch anyways.). Great job, guys......

Here's thee big thing about Action Motor Sports, though. A year or so ago, I was looking for routine service on The Helix. I had phoned two official Honda dealers in the Portland Area. At the first one in the Western suburbs of Portland, which is owned by a guy who likes to stick his nose and his wallet into local politics, the service person told me - "Uhhh....yeah. We generally don't work on older bikes....uhhh...."

"Oh? Why not?"

"Uhhh.....welllll.....uhhh, they're tough to get parts for"

"Oh, well, it IS a Honda, and being an official dealership, I'd imagine that, worst case scenario, you'd have 'em shipped in!"

"Errrmmm.......yeah....well, it's just that....uhhh.....well, we have done service on them, then we end up with the owners abandoning them on us, and we get stuck with these older bikes, sooo......."

"Wow....really? So, like, people would bring in 1993 model bikes or older, and have.....let's say.....a brake job done on them, and abandon the bike on you guys? Whaaaaa? I don't get it. Unless you charged, like, $750 for a brake job or something like that......"

"Well....uhhhh......yeah......well, we've had a lot of older bikes dumped on us after we've serviced them, sooo....."

"Right, ya want me to buy a new skooter from you......got the picture. Yeah...thank you - bye!"

Called a second official Honda Dealership in far North Portland.....same thing.

Action Motor Sports was MORE than happy to work on The Helix.......THAT meant a lot to me....

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'Pitz and Beia. - West Hollywood, California.

'Pitz and Beia pretty much ensured that I ate like a porker and drank like hell. And this was WHILST THEY WERE IN THE PROCESS OF MOVING ACROSS THE COUNTRY TO NEW YORK CITY!!!

Most people??

"Ahhh....yeeaaah....uhhh.....it's not really a good time right now. We're moving across the country in less than two weeks, and things are kinda messed up right now, an'.....well, you know....."

NOT 'Pitz and Beia!!!

Souls to the end!!!!

YET STILL, after that hospitality, they'd again come into play later.....

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T.J. - Denver, Colorado

Ya know......I really have a tendency to bug people at the wrong times. Much like 'Pitz and Beia, T.J. had a lotta shit on his plate and still gave me the run of his home. He hadta leave town on a business trip and still said - "E, have at it! Jes' lock it up when you head out."

I've met and gotten to know a LOT of people during my tenure in Denver......pretty much, T is one of VERY few who will ALWAYS be there for you.....no questions asked. A soul if there ever was one.....

As are Taj and Susan The Danser......I am truly honoured to be a member of the Abundance League of Denver .....everybody has something to give....and everybody has a need.....and I'm a huge fan of how simple basic bartering in large quantities kills Capitalism!


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Will and Cindy, Leyland, Andra and Tyler - Edgewood, New Mexico



Will and Cindy.....


....Friends for life....



....I hope, even after eight straight days of dealing with the E.





Leyland, Andra and Tyler.....


Ya know, there's those people you meet for the first time, and you wonder - "What the fuck planet did these people hop off of??"


And then you get ta know them...


And then you begin to hang wiff them a bit....


And then you toss horse shoes wiff them.....


Honestly? Meeting Tyler (Leyland and Andra's son) on the first go, he seemed to really have his shit together.....





.....errrmm....





....still does.


More so than ANYONE I've met that's his age (19).


But dat's gotta say something about his upbringing.




His mum and pa?


Souls 'till the end!




Ya gotta understand the Geographic and Sociological differences when we all first met. Sorry!!! As much as I like to try to hide it and disdain it, I'll freely admit that I still gotta bit of NorthEastern arrogance inside me.



After a few sessions of hanging out over a few pints, I had discovered.....


.....you will never meet truer folk than Leyland and Andra!





Hang out with their extended families forra bit?????





You'll be asked to stay in their homes.





I miss you guys..............I really do!!!!!!!!!!!!!




But I'll be back down there shortly......


....better yet, when the fuck ya'll comin' up 'round these parts???


I'd be honoured ta host ya!! And also be honoured to ride with you!!!

I also don't want to forget Downtown Scooter of Albuquerque. The Helix was feeling worn down and a bit dodgy by this point, and I was expecting to either be taken forra ride or, at the least, get a bit of a dropkick to the wallet. Naw, these guys (and girl) were genuine, truthful and very cheap. Did a bunch of adjustments, gave me a "state of the skooter" address, and The Helix ran fine!

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My Cousins: Barrys (Senior and Junior and Trey [Barry Quad is next, I'm certain]), Mary, Jenny, and Kelly - Katy, Texas

The hospitality, conversation, beer, food (all home cooked and probably thee best cuisine I'd had on the entire ride) and just sheer relaxation that my family had shown me during a three-day restful weekend in Suburban Houston was exactly what I had needed at that point. Too many long stretches, too much fun.....well.....it wears a guy down after a while, and I was not in the mood for, nor in any shape to, dance on tables. The Geography and timing didn't work out where I could catch up with my cousin Julie who is North of Dallas.....but I'll swing by soon......

Thanx so much, guys!! I owes ya!

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Chef Bill and the lovely Georgia - Tallahassee, Florida

(Though I had hit Tallahassee twice on the ride, and thus wrote two separate entries, the hyperlink on this goes to the entry that was one of thee top four weirdest and most fun evenings on the entire ride).

Wow......

I ALWAYS know that, whenever I hit Tallahassee, that -

A) - I will NOT be departing when I say I will be.

B) - Strange, fun events and hi-jinx are certain to follow and

C) - To quote a favourite saying of HRD: "No good can come of this....."

I know I can also count on -

A) - Crashing parties where my friends have an extremely vague connection to one of the invited guests, and may have heard of the host. And leaving at the end of the night in the pre-dawn hours after at least one person in our entourage has managed to offend an invited guest or even the host.

B) - Copious amounts of top shelf food and drink (flame-broiled chicken breasts and local microbrew.....not frozen hamburger patties and Hamm's) being offered to this weary traveler upon his arrival by Chef Bill and Georgia......

When you guys coming up to the Pacific Northwest, so I can show some appreciation for everything you've done for me??

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More Cousins: Danny, Paula and Deanna - Oldsmar, Florida

I NEVER fail to have a riot with Danny, Paula and Deanna. This trip was no exception. They presented me with luxurious accommodations, allowed me to grill my famous Chivetta's barbecue chicken breasts for them, chauffeured me all over the place, took me out for all I can eat crab legs, more La Fin du Monde, and a trip to the Oldsmar Tap House.....easily one of my top three microbrew pubs in America. I mean, ya gotta love a place where the proprietor (Tony) hands you, on the cuff, totally as his gift, a bottle of a special 17th anniversary edition Unibroue product that you might have a slight chance of locating in Montreal.....if you're lucky.

I miss you guys....git up here soon!!

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Mehala - Hollywood, Florida

A debt I can never repay, to an absolute angel of a girl. First off, after wanting to destroy all of Florida's highway system after a very fucked up and frustrating ride from Tampa Bay to Hollywood, Mehala comes to greet me at the front door of her pad with a freshly killed and grilled steak and a Corona. THEN introduces me to what would become probably one of my top two all time TV shows (a show in 2001 on FOX called Firefly - the other of the top two is Veronica Mars)....and then takes me out on what would be one of thee coolest adventures on this entire ride - kayaking on Biscayne Bay. Really wished I had bought a water-resistant disposable camera for that one......

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Ivanna and Jerry - Canton, Georgia

Souls to the core. Played shuttle driver for me back and fourth whilst The Helix was in the hospital for a new tyre.....accommodated me in their basement which was basically the lap of luxury......fed me like a porker as I got one day of badly needed rest. Though I only had time to hang for 24 hours, I DID manage to catch up with the entire family yet again a couple weeks later in Buffalo.

And....ya know?? I'm STILL wondering of Jerry ever found his keys......

Motorhome trip to the Pacific NorthWest is in order for you guys shortly, eh??

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Coqui and Mary - Virginia Beach, Virginia

Great home cooked food, delicious vino, and fascinating conversation from two of thee sweetest, most caring friends I have ever had the privilege to know, along with their two wonderful niños (Alejandra and Andres) and multiple gambling pets (Poker and Blackjack). Put it all together and that's why I always make Virginia Beach a stop whenever I'm anywhere near the Eastern Seaboard. Bless this family!

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Morseyboy and Kathy - Arlington, Virginia

Capital people in the Capital City. Whilst there for less than 24 hours, Morseyboy and Kathy fed me much quality vino, then proceeded to take me out all over the southern Capital District and get me a good night's sleep for a painful ride to Brooklyn the next morning (well....next afternoon, as the case was).

ALWAYS fun to catch up on the whereabouts of long lost friends with Morseyboy and to tell Kathy legendary stories of our delinquent youth. (It's always fun to do the latter....especially when you're in the very beginning of a very bizarre story from the glorious days of misspent youth....and then Morseyboy begins to realise what story you're leading to wiff this......and then you casually glance over and read the subtle, yet pained non-verbal facial expressions on Morseyboy of "Change the Goddamm topic NOW.....Jesus!! Fuck, do you really think I told Kathy about that???!!??"

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'Pitz and Beia Redux - Brooklyn, New York

Ya know.....I wear out my welcome with my hosts very easily....and rather rapidly. So, during the segment between Washington, D.C. and Montreal, P.Q., when I was offered lodging at 'Pitz and Beia's new crib in Brooklyn.....I was ecstatic!

Besides being two folks who I truly enjoy spending time around and talking to, this would give me a chance to FINALLY see a part of New York City BESIDES Manhattan (I'd been to NYC about 13 times between 1988 and 1993....ALL of which were spent on the island of Manhattan).

But this was after 'Pitz and Beia had BARELY gotten settled in to their digs! I mean, they had arrived in New York on a plane just a few weeks before I got there after selling EVERYTHING THEY HAVE (including their car.....which only makes sense for New York City, actually) and just planning to re-accquire what they truly need later on.

I mean, I dunno about most people....but it takes me a good month or two or so to really be set up in a place. But 'Pitz and Beia were unfazed and really didn't care.....they were just glad to have me over at their place during this segment of the ride.

I literally don't know ANYBODY, who, in basically the middle of moving accross the country, would extend an offer like that to me.

That's why they're two of thee most amazing people I know.......and it was just hangin out with them that really made L.A. and New York probably my two favourite stops on this trip. Hell.....literally?? I coulda cared less if I had never even set foot out the door......

'Pitz......Beia.......ya need a rainforest vacation! Git up here now!

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This is Part One of my acknowledgements - Part Two (New York City to Portland, Oragaaaan) coming up in a couple days....

-E-