Terrell Owens once said.......

.......about himself that, when he goes out on the football field, you should “Get yer popcorn ready, ‘cause I’m gonna put on a show!!”

Well, when I go out wiff my camera, I’m saying get your scrapbooks ready, ’cause you don’t know WHAT the fuck I’m gonna shoot……

……and, now, this week – I hadta get some sort of security clearance criminal background check for my job to prove that I’m not a threat to life, liberty, and the pursuit of Vietnam-ness…..

….Tam suggested that, in order to help facilitate this, we pay a visit to an old drinking buddy of mine -




Yep - That'd be The Captain and myself.....


Waaaaaai......waaaaaay a sec: "Background check for your job??" I thought you already HAD a job?? Huh....?


OK.....OK....less back up a bit here.

Right, so, shortly before I had moved into my new house, circa mid-April, I had been working for the past three months at the Dang Tuan Language Center. It was fun, enjoyable, and I really enjoyed teaching my students Tieng Anh (English)!

After a while, though, there became more and more disagreements about things and issues that were previously agreed upon, and much tension was in the air. Around the middle of April, it became intolerable, and I had felt that it would be best for ALL parties that I no longer continue my employment there, so I handed in my resignation letter, giving a full month's notice before my last teaching date.

I was summoned in to a meeting the next day with Mr. Tuan. There, he and the former school coordinator, had told me that they felt that it was in the school's best interest that I be terminated immediately. I was slightly surprised, but not deeply saddened. I enjoyed my job, it was just that we didn't see eye-to-eye on several issues. I was immediately paid my correct final salary and I was about to leave, when Mr. Tuan and the former coordinator went to shake my hand! I shook hands and smiled. Then, we had a foto shoot, where there were smiles all around. It was certainly thee strangest firing I had attended, but we gave final firm handshakes, and I left. We had went separate ways on very good terms.......

......or so I thought!

Anyways, Tam had handed in HER resignation notice two months earlier and she had been canned the next day (but I don't think that she got the happy ending at HER firing ceremony that I got). So she was in the process of opening her own English Language school, and had asked me if I would come and work there!

Now, I had NO plans after the canning, and I HAD thought about hopping off to Ha Noi, Da Nang, or another town in Viet Nam and going on my merry way there. But I decided to stick around Hai Phong, having just signed a lease on a house and also having accumulated much rubbish (read: Material possessions) and I really didn't feel like hauling them all over Viet Nam nor trying to sell them after just buying them.....so I took the job.

Since my B-3 Business Visa was gonna expire in July, and with the end of the U.S. economic depression NOWHERE in sight for the foreseeable future, I had decided to spend seven weeks back in The States to finalise my affairs and say my goodbyes as I planned on being in Viet Nam for at least 18 months at the minimum.....probably two years, and maybe longer!

It was sometime in the middle of my stay in America (maybe early-mid July) when The Calls came......

.......

.....Tam was calling, explaining to me that some police guy was calling her, and strong-arming her for money, because it had been reported by Tuan to the Authorities that our school had lacked the proper paperwork to operate as a school.

"Errrmmm......Tam?? What THE FUCK is this all about????"

Apparently, to make a long story short - somebody had posted an article, written a blog, or something like that, about Tuan's school. This piece had been taken down before I got a chance to read it, but the gist that I was told about it was that it encouraged foreogn teachers to stay away from there because he rips them off.

So, because Tuan thought that I wrote this piece, and that, because Tam was close to me - he would start sending the Authorities after her school.

Needless to say - this pissed me off to NO end, and I was gonna jump thee next plane to Hai Phong and contact certain well-placed Government friends of mine and have HIS school investigated for several operating violations - but a few friends of mine pleaded with me and talked me out of it.......

WHY he picked ME as writing this thing, I'll never know - apparently, he doesn't realise that he has more than a few disgruntled former employees.....I wouldn't even say that I was a disgruntled employee - Tuan and I just didn't agree on certain things and that was it!!

....still, though, we paid off the bribes, and did all of the paperwork, and now we're legit. And apparently Tuan heard that I was back in town and that I was VERY angry and suddenly, the uninvited visits from the police and the Hai Phong Department of Education and training stopped.

Fine by me - if he stops bothering my school....I won't bother his....and we'll all be happy......

....still, though, I can't help but to feel a bit betrayed! I mean, I was under the impression that we had parted ways on good terms...and THEN he goes and accuses me of THIS? Whatever.....



BUT, whilst I was in The States, Tam did a great job with her school, QUADRUPLED enrollment from 25 to 100-plus in eight weeks, and basically busted her ass making things work - mega kudos to her for that!

www.ETEnglishcenter.com

But things almost got out of hand with the fast growth - we've had to hire staff, take in greater revenue, pay out greater expenses......just been keeping me reeeeaaallllly busy even since I got off of the plane here in Hai Phong a few weeks ago.......so, yeah, it's a bit crazy! I'm very busy.....I have no time to play games with a little man like Tuan.....

.....still, though - I wish I had seen that web page before it got taken down....probably woulda been good forra chuckle!

-E-

WHERE was me, again....?

Right - took a long-ass break to head back to The States......and, before that, I was talking about....

....CAPTAIN BRIBE!

Right, so, let's go back in time and finish up what had happened before I left for North America.....

....today, we are gonna talk about the delicacies available in Vietnam.

Now, I am NOT what one would call an "adventurous eater" (though, I HAVE dined at Mighty Taco a few times in the past), and, actually, I am very picky about what I like to eat. Needless to say, in terms of food, I shoulda went to another country.

No, I AM NOT criticizing Vietnamese food....but....honestly.....errrmmm....it's just not for me! I mean, yeah, I can eat rice and noodles and the WONDERFUL bread that they bake here (a sort of left-over cultural effect from the French colonial days), and, of course, the Phố Bà, but everything else....errrmmmm....doesn't really appeal to me - again: I'M A PICKY EATER!!! I'm not even huge on AMERICANISED Vietnamese food, like in restaurants in Portland......

So, I had discovered a Western restaurant on Minh Khai called "Texas Bar-B-Que". It does ribs OK (NOT great, but edible), good garlic bread, decent spaghetti, GREAT apple crumble, and horrible pizza and chili. But I had seen on their menu one of my all-time favourites: cánh gà or, "Wing of Chicken".......

....allright - THIS should be good forra laff, I thought to myself.

Well, it wasn't a laffing matter - the wings had not been left to deep fry in the oil long enuff, and the sauce was basically Tabasco sauce.

It brought me much dishonour, being from Western New York an' all.....

PLUS, they hit you fiddy-thousand Dong for FOUR WINGS!!! That's, like, seventy-five cents per wing! In Hai Phong, that is VEERRRRY much on the pricey side.....

....so whass an estranged Buffaloian to do?

Do what all estranged Buffaloians shoulda done before they left: Take matters into my own hands!

So, I went to one of the two hypermarkets in town (Metro - Big C is the other), and found cánh gà in the meats section (but they were still together - like they serve 'em in the Southern U.S. - ya gotta cut them through the bones into wing SECTIONS to make them authentic), found cooking oil, and actually found (I couldn't believe this) a deep-fat fryer!

Well, I AM ABSOLUTELY NOT going to tarnish my wings with Tabasco sauce.....and there ain't no Frank's here, so I figgered, for the sauce, that I hadta improvise.

There's a little shack (literally, it IS very small and shack-like) just offa Broadway on W. 1st Avenue in Denver called "Hot Wings To Go". Now, this place is very unassuming, and does NOT go out and advertise and scream "WE MAKE THEE BEST BUFFALO WINGS ANYWHERE!!!" or any rubbish like that.

But they DO make good wings....

......so, amongst their four or five varieties of wing sauce flavours, there is a flavour called "Singapore Hot"....which is this weird, spicy, hot, tangy, sour, salty kind of sauce that I had tried and absolutely fell in love with!

Over the years whilst residing in Denver, I was actually able to replicate this sauce, and make it a teeny bit tastier than the original. So, since I'm a lot closer to Singapore right now than Hot Wings To Go is, I figured that I could scrounge up the needed ingredients here at Metro hypermarket and a few beakers and test tubes, and away I went!!!

I needed guinea pigs, though. I mean, this was the first time I had attempted to make wings on foreign soil, using ONLY locally available ingredients....so I hadta try 'em out on somebody.

So I called the family I used to live with and asked 'em if I could make them lunch. They were willing participants, and away I went over to my old house, with my deep-fat-fryer, and all the sauce ingredients in tow on my skooter.....



(no, the over-sized Vietnamese grapefruit was NOT part of the ingredients, but they are reeeaaallly good, and they may yet become part of the ingredients of this sauce in the future)






















Hang cutting the wings.......

Soooo.....I fried 'em up, blended the sauce. I was scared - I mean, these folks had never had chicken wings the way that we are used to 'em......so I didn't know WHAT to expect! But they got a nice reception! Cuong (the father of the family I had resided with) brought in some beer, and I proclaimed "THIS is the food of my people....."



























Apparently, they got SUCH a nice reception from my Vietnamese family, that I had been asked to come back as soon as possible and make them AGAIN! Was a bit busy, but I promised them that I'd be back in a coupla weeks to make my cánh gà again for them. I was very honoured by the compliments that I had received from Ngoc, Hang and Cuong about my wings....

....So, my buddy Suzanne was having a house party the next week, and it was a sort of potluck dinner. So, I had decided to try my wings out on Hai Phong's miniscule Foreigner population.....THIS should be an interesting response, I figgered.....

.....well.....didn't hafta figger TOO long.....

.....thirty wings got inhaled by six Tay in LITERALLY a matter of three minutes.

Emmmmm-Kay.....

DID make it back a few weeks later to my old house, and served Cuong, Hang and Ngoc another batch of my wings.....

...apparently, expressing their delight with these wings wasn't good enough for them.....

....they got placed at the Altar of the Ancestors.....

























Literally, I nearly shit myself! I mean, I know my wings are GOOD, but, Christ, to be placed at a family's altar?? I was speechless and dumbfounded......I mean, I didn't know what to say......

...probably the most important honour I have received in my entire life.....especially considering that Hang's a DEVOUT Buddist (chants every other morning and such), and that things don't just get dropped at the family altar willy-nilly.....

Brought back over a gallon of actual Frank's Red Hot with me from Buffalo.......

....the ancestors must be licking their chops now.



Few more stories.....this time, about a trip to a private island, and a change in employment (which, pretty much everyone already knows about by now) coming up within the next week.....

...really....within one week...this time I mean it!!!


-E-

No, this blog has NOT been abandoned......

Don't ask - LOTSA stories....lotsa new stuff......gimme a few days - this WILL be updated before the middle of next week (OK - Before August 6th)!


-E-

We'll continue.....

....with some new twists and turns in my Hai Phong experience in a bit.

Right now, I'm sitting down at a sidewalk bar in Saigon (Ho Chi Minh City), sipping several pina coladas.....and I should actually be sleeping now as I have a 6AM flight to Buffalo to catch, but still....

Yep!

Yeah.....I is here for the longer haul. Coming back to The States to finalise my affairs and tie up loose ends.

Dates of the E Farewell Tour -

June 10th - June 16th: Buffalo, New York

June 16th - June 23rd: Denver, Colorado and Rapid City, South Dakota (with stops in Chugwater and Cheyenne, Wyoming)

June 23rd - July 2nd: Portland, Oregon

July 2nd - July 5th, New York City, New York

July 5th - July 19th: Buffalo, New York

July 19th - July 22nd: Memphis, Tennessee and Tunica, Mississippi

July 25th: End of tour party - Hai Phong, Vietnam


REALLY hope to see ya......it'll be the last time I'll be StateSide for at least the next year....maybe longer!!

-E-

So where was me.....?

Right, after Pattaya, Thailand.....

OK, so here go the random blatherings...

Death and.....

Tried to do my taxes online a couple months ago. With V.N.P.T.'s lovely Internet connection, it woulda taken HALF the time had I processed them and filed them over a two-tin-cups-and-a-string Internet connection!

Buncha new things.....

As much as I love my Vietnamese Family and despite how much they worry about me, it really was time for me to move out. Naw, even though my huge-ass bedroom was expensive (and probably overpriced) by Vietnamese standards (2,000,000 Dong per month), it still was a sweet deal with food, Internet, electrique, water, cleaning and laundry service all thrown in the deal!

But, there's something a bit disturbing when ya gotta call your Vietnamese Family when you're at the front door at 12:30am after a night at a cafe drinking several pints with friends so they can let you in. This is simply because The Vietnamese WILL steal ANYTHING that is not bolted down and protected by at least three locks!

Say that I am generalising and stereotyping......then come here and see for yourself!

On the other hand, there is absolutely dead zero VIOLENT crime here. No murders, rapes, muggings, armed robbery, etc.

Literally. None.....

But I'm going off on a tangent here.

But anyways, because of the rampant theft in Vietnam, it was an INTERIOR lock, so either Hang or Ngoc hadta come downstairs and let my sorry half-in-the-bag ass inside. They kept swearing left right and center about how this WAS NOT a problem, but I really didn't feel good about waking ANYBODY up (the Vietnamese generally go to bed before 10pm and wake up when the roosters start crowing....like 6AM-ish or earlier) on a consistent basis.....

....plus, I mean, I'm a North American: We demand our privacy and our own private space (this absolutely baffles the Vietnamese.....who carry NO such concept, nor are they even familiar with it).

So, after a little bit of looking, I found a palace in a bit of a dodgy neighbourhood for 3,000,000VND a month. Two bedrooms, two bathrooms, a balcony and four stories high. Saw it, and was immediately adamant about it! This IS the place.....this IS thee house.

Cool. So we were gonna draw up a six-month lease and be all set. THEN there was the police fee.

What the fuck's a "police fee"???

Well, this is where your landlord goes to the local police, gives them a photocopy of your passport, two passport-sized fotograffs, and all of your information, along with a Dong note in a little white envelope ranging anywhere from 200,000 to 700,000.

If the person who owns the house does nothing with their property or properties but rent them, then they generally have a pretty good "relationship" with the local constabulary and, thusly, your "police fee" is going to be around the 200,000 Dong range.

Problem is - MY house is owned by this guy who's elderly mother, a widow, lived in alone until he talked her to moving into his house. THESE folks have never so much as rented a bicycle before....much less a house. So, they had no idea even who or what the police were!

Told me - "You're on your own with the police files and fee....."

Oh....great.

So my friend's landlord calls Tam and says that she knows the Head of the Le Chan section of the Hai Phong police (basically equivalent to a District Commander or a Precinct Captain, and Le Chan is the district [it is the central downtown district of Hai Phong, actually] that I reside in and have resided in even since I got to Hai Phong) and we could meet with him and see what is what!

Well.....thass just what we did.

THIS guy was unreal - he had a picture of himself in his police dress uniform on his wallpaper on his CELL PHONE....man, I can just picture Clint Eastwood: "You're a legend in your own mind......"

So we had a nice introductory meeting, and he tells us to come back tomorrow. Tam and my friend's landlord both suggest to me as we are driving out of the Police Station that when we come back tomorrow, it would be advised to buy two envelopes and make certain that there is a 500,000 Dong note in each of them.....

So we go back to the Police Station the next day, I reach out and grab the guy's hand and say, in my most normal voice: "Captain Bribe!! How the hell are you??"

He smiles and says something in Vietnamese in his most normal voice...probably "Whazzup, Stupid Tay! Great to see you again! Look forward to milking you for all ya got. So, how much do you REALLY like that house?"

So...we all chat forra bit (well, not me, but my friend's landlord, Tam and Captain Bribe do), and then Tam slides him the two while envelopes along with two 1"X2" passport pics and some fotocopies and The Captain deftly crams them underneath some paperwork that is burying his desk. Talk a bit more, and then we are outta there.

In the parking lot - "Well. that didn't go so badly" I say.

"Yes, but he would like to see us at a cafe tomorrow" says Tam.

"Oh, OK, cool. What time?"

"No, no - not you. Just us two."

"Whaaa....the fucks THIS all about? I mean, Captain Bribe got his Dong!! No need to be a Dong about it and try to hit on my girlfriend as well."

"No....ahhh....certain things are done and discussed and it's....uhhh....best that you, as a Tay, not be around to witness them...."

WTF???

Well, the next morning Tam called me because my friend's landlord was deathly ill and Tam's mother stole her motorbike to go and play badminton that morning. So I got pressed into duty to give her a ride to meet Captain Bribe.

Well, we met him, but it wasn't at a cafe....it was more at this, like, Tiki-themed seafood restaurant thing. OK, so he introduces us to a couple of friends of his that he was with and he sits us down and tosses us a couple of beers and tells us to have at it and maul the appetizers on the table!

Cool, so we're sitting there hanging for a bit, then a couple more of Captain Bribe's friends join us at the table. And a few more ice-cold pints of Bia Ha Noi appeared before my eyes (and my mouth).

"Oh, well....this is nice" I stated to Tam.

"It should be - it's on your tab" she stated back mechanically.

"Suck what again?" I asked her.

"This would be the second part of the Police Fee" Tam explained. "You see, this is the standard procedure."

"What the fuck?? STANDARD PROCEDURE?? Waaaaai.....waaaai a sec here: Now, could you please tell me again WHAT EXACTLY is Captain Bribe doing for me where I hadta slip him 500,000 Dong notes in plain white envelopes?"

"Errmmm.....Hon? This is the 'back door route" and the way it works is....."

"Yeah....actually, now that you mention it, I DO feel like I'm getting anally raped! Christ, hate to see the 'FRONT door route' in that case...."

" 'Front door official route'? That is several weeks of waiting time and a few million Dong more money than this" responded Tam.

(Insert TOTAL FUCKING Jerry Brown Look on my face here)

Then, after I slowly start to get over just how totally fucking bizarre this entire spectacle actually is, I see a few MORE guys coming up to the table and joining us.

"Wow - Captain Bribe sure has a lot of friends" I mention to Tam.

"These aren't his friends - they are all members of the Le Chan District of the Hai Phong Police"

(Second in a series of several Jerry Brown Looks here)

Well, looked like things were winding down, and the french fries and shrimp and beers seemed to be done......

"Oh, well, Hon...let's tab this out and get going. We have work to do at school....."

"Oh! No....no....you can't leave."

"Errmmm.....seyz who?"

"No, hon....you have to wait until they leave."

(Jerry Brown Look again here)

"Man! Jesus....talk about straight outta a Kafka novel....."

"Who is Kafka?"

"Never mind."

After about five minutes of little conversation, I stretched and yawned.

No dice. Out of the corner of my eye, I see two portable gas burners being brought to the table and two pots of water.....

....followed by two enormous-ass plates of various types of seafood.

.....yep.....

.....dual seafood hot-pots.

Then, more ice-cold pints of Bia Ha Noi started appearing.....and, somehow, two bottles of Hanoi brand vodka magically showed up at our table.

I mentally calculated the tab, and had visions of two 500,000 Dong notes growing wings and flying away out of my wallet....and I was stuck there, forced to watch it all!

Kinda like what it must be like for those people you hear about who are undergoing surgery, and the anesthesiologist was hungover that day and he gives the patient JUST BARELY ENOUGH anesthesia to remove about 75% of the sensation of pain, but not the total, correct amount of anesthesia that would put the patient totally to sleep.....so you are watching yourself literally be cut open, yet you CANNOT scream or even say anything. Because of the anesthesia, you are physically unable to!

Well, fuck that - if I'm gonna get nicked, I wanna be good an' numb while it's going on....so these cops kept inviting me to do vodka shots with them, and chug pints of bia! After a while, one cop who took a particular liking to me had me do shots with him and he started instigating some sort of elbow-forearm locking shot drinking game where the object was to knock the other guy until he wobbles or some shit like that. I had stated "Khong! Khong!" (No! NO!) to this, but they would not hear of it. So, after putting up a VERY realistic-looking fight, I gave up and teetered and bowed my head in shame.......

.....I mean, I had 8 inches and about 25 kilograms on the guy....but, Jesus, I'm NOT stupid....plus, this guy was starting to colour badly. What I mean by that is that ALL Vietnamese turn the colour of a bright red tomato after about three beers, or two mixed cocktails, or one shot. I'd seen it here enough times, and I'd seen it amongst my Viet-Kieu friends back home in Portland. They're NOT huge drinkers here.....

Afterwards, Tam told me that it was a good thing that I had lost, as it is not a good idea to win as it will cause the defeated policeman much loss of face in front of his fellow officers.

Naaaaw....YA THINK??

Later on, I said to Tam (this was about 11:00AM) - "Wow, these guys sure know how to kick back after a hard days work."

"I do not understand" replied Tam

"I mean, their day is done....hey, duling hot-pots, beer and vodka! Whee-Haw!!!"

"I do not understand. 'Day is done'? Does that mean they go home now?"

"Vang (yes)...."

"Uhhh....they do not go home."

"Oh well, cool.....then, after we leave, maybe they go out and drink some more or something."

"Khong. They go back to work."

"Ahaaa...A-hahahahah! Thass a good one, Hon."

"What do you mean....'That is a good one'.....a good what?"

"A good joke."

"I do not understand. What is a joke?"

"That these guys are going back to the precinct to go back to work! Hell...half 'of 'em can barely walk...much less catch a criminal."

Tam in mechanical voice - "What are you talking about? Of COURSE they are going back to work. Do you not see? This is lunchtime!!"

"Ah, Hon? if anybody lights a match near these guys....all of Le Chan will go up in flames.....their combined breath could run a top-fuel dragster!! They're NOT going back to the Police Station."

"It is OK, My Love....do not panic or spend too much worry on them!! For you see, these men have safe jobs. They sit at the desks all day and collect bribes from the people."

"Shit..." I thought to myself in my alcoholic haze. "Really??? What the hell am I doing teaching English?? Where do I sign up for THIS???"


Anyways, we made up some excuse about an "emergency at the school" or some bullshit like that (Tam's mother called her cell, and Tam totally confused her mother and started screaming loudly [in Vietnamese] - "WHAT happened at the school??? There was a small fire? What the
HELL are you talking about?? Is it put out?? etc. etc.") and got us the hell outta there.

The damage to my wallet wasn't totally fatal = 700,000 Dong!

Last I had heard, Captain Bribe phoned Tam two weeks later saying how much all of his men just thought I was the bees knees!! And proceeded to invite ME (where, like, HE pays) out for pints......

Took him up on that offer, but said I'm really busy (and, yeah, I actually was)....but told him that I DO wanna have drinks with Captain Bribe and Captain Bribe alone......and I'll toss for it....

Normally, I absolutely abhor this shit to the ninth degree!! But given that I am in a nation with no known laws, it's ALWAYS a good idea to have a Captain Bribe on your cell phone's speed dial for in case the shit (whatever sort of shit that may be) comes down!

It's kinda like Buffalo....only SLIGHTLY more overt here about how things get done...and if I get caught bribing them here, my name doesn't go on the front page of the Buffalo News (or whatever the fuck the Hai Phong daily paper is called)!



Next blather - Canh Ga, employment and an entirely new and bizarre direction (complete with pictures for the attention-span-challenged)!


-E-

Nope....this blog has NOT been abandoned......

.....just been busy as all hell. But, I'm taking a couple days off beginning tomorrow and heading to Halong City again to sit on the beach and vege. Will gimme a good opportunity to write..... Another long-ass post on Tuesday, or maybe sooner! Thanx for your patience!! -E-

Right, so given that -

A) - I've PUT OFF (NOT ignored) this blog for far too long.

B) - I have got MOST of the things in my new life set up (LONG STORY....but you won't wait too long to hear it) and things are FINALLY starting to slow down a little bit (not much, though).

C) - I've got a bottle of French red vino, and a packet of Japanese cigarettes, and nowhere to go......

It's time to post!

OK, so where was I.....

RIGHT: THAILAND......OK......

Right, so, always looking to run away from the out-of-control party town that is Hải Phòng, I had been in touch with a friend of mine I had known since grade school that I hadn't seen since I last resided in Buffalo (2004 - a.k.a.: "The Hell Year"). My friend was touring throughout Asia for one year and was ensconced for an entire month in what he described as his own personal slice of heaven. This was a place called Pattaya.

My friend had invited me to hop over there to visit him, since he was planning to head to Japan to study Japanese for three months and might not make it to Hai Phong or anywhere in Vietnam. I had never heard of Pattaya, but had looked it up, saw that it was on a beach, and hey - sounded good to me!

So I had found a special on Vietnam Airlines from Hanoi to Bangkok for 2,500,000VND (like, $143USD) including taxes round-trip. Sounded good to me, booked the flight, and took a three-day weekend.

Booked a "deluxe sea view room" (highest level room) at something called the Baboona Beach hotel for $61.00 USD a night. Booked it for two nights, in case I wanted to get the hell outta there and hit Bangkok for the third night - a city I spent a few days in back in April, 2008 and I kinda enjoyed Bangkok, actually.

Got to Bangkok Suvarnabhumi airport, and was gonna catch a bus to Pattaya (about 106 kilometres South of the airport) for 126 Thai Baht (like, $4.00USD) but was offered a private air-conditioned car and driver by some guy waiting outside the airport for 700 Baht (like, twenty buxx). Threw caution to the wind, and ended up taking the deal and getting to Pattaya nicely, quickly and comfortably! Although the bus has got A/C and I'm sure it's nice....but fuck it - I'm on vacay - sooo......

Pattaya itself?

Well, the hotel room had a wonderful balcony view....and the balcony was great. I did enjoy the balcony....OH! OH!! OH - did I mention the balcony??

Seriously.....it was an allright hotel, but not the glorious 28-plus square metres they were talking about......was quite a small room. But through the magic of website photography, it appeared absolutely palatial....I mean, I captured the entire width of the room in the pic below -

Well.....the Gin 'n Tonics on the balcony in the evening were nice......

So, time to catch up with my friend! Now, there are no known DETAILED geographic maps of Pattaya on the 'Net...they're all vague, no scale of kilometres and show major streets only. So I figger that I'll be about a ten minute walk to my friend's hotel and I'll be all set....

.....nothing like walking in a sunny, humid 94-degree day hotter than a fucking sauna for , like, 45 minutes. I thought this was a normal beach resort town and everything's a hop, skip and a jump away.

Nope....it is a MAJOR city....about the same population as the City of Buffalo....300,000 or so.....

Get there finally, and my friend's living in the equivalent of a furnished and Wi-Fi equipped one-bedroom pad on a street about a 10-minute walk to the beach......

....12,000 Baht a month. Thass 325 buxx to you and I.....

So, we kill several pints and agree to meet up with a few of his Falong [foreigner] buds at 9pm. I say the hell with walking back and I catch a Baht Bus going kinda towards the direction of my hotel. A Baht Bus is this pickup truck that has a canopy with benches in the back of the bed that runs around on a certain pre-established route. There are THOUSANDS of them roaming the streets of Pattaya, and the fare is like, 20 Baht.....or 55 cents. Fine by me......




















Pattaya Baht Buses....

It was HOT and extremely humid, so I got off of the Baht Bus somewhere near my hotel and ran to the 7-11 (which, I DO mean LITERALLY, dot EVERY corner in Thailand) and, 'cause it was way too hot and humid to drink beer, I got a bottle of gin, some tonic water and what APPEARED to be limes (which, in Thailand and Vietnam, they call “lemons”......I don't ask).

Well....I THOUGHT they were limes......




Nope!! They're Goddamm TANGERINES with GREEN peels on 'em....WTF?


Went down to the lobby to get a glass, some ice, and a knife to cut my "limes" into wedges (this was before I actually examined the fuckers and found out that they were really tangerines). The lady gave me the glass and the ice, and said with a smile - “Please bring whatever you need cut down here.” - “Errmmm......OK......but I can cut it. No worries, I don't hafta be waited on hand and foot.” - “No, for your safety, we do not allow knives to be brought up to the rooms.”

.........SERIOUS Jerry Brown look on my face.......

My friend, his British buds and I caught up again at 9PM....and went to explore the seedier side of Pattaya. Actually, that statement is incorrect - ALL of Pattaya is the seedy side. The challenge is locating the NICE side.....

EVERY girl (and also every boy dressed as a girl - and there are A LOT of "ladyboys") is for sale in the city of Pattaya.....I mean, just a Goddamm girl dressed normally, sitting at McDonald's eating - you go up to her and say "How much?" and she'll respond "Long-Time or Short-Time?"

The entire city is basically a cesspool of drunken sin and debauchery! It's not a beautiful city by any means, and Pattaya exists only for and because of the sex trade. I never did hit the beach here because I was told by the locals not to swim in the water because of possible sewage dumping (and it's so hot and humid, the sewage LITERALLY is smelled on the street coming from the underground sewers!!).

Nice sunsets, though, as pictured above.....but I really couldn't stand Pattaya.....so on my last day, I ducked out early and headed to Bangkok.....mauled American chili and chicken wings and several Margaritas at my favourite pub in the Sukhumvit district and retired at The President Solitaire Hotel....and was just glad to be the hell outta Pattaya!

Came to Thailand and got what I wanted and did what I had to do. It was nice – because the Thais have some wealth (relative to the rest of SouthEast Asia), they are eating a bit more Western and, thusly, are becoming a bit porky (again, relative to the rest of SouthEast Asia).

I mean, the Vietnamese are fucking TWIGS......so I cannot find anything in terms of clothing to fit my big American ass!! Nothing even CLOSE to sizes that I wear!! Here, though, because of the huge numbers of Western tourists and the ever-increasing waistlines of the Thais, I DID find things that fit me like shorts and ESPECIALLY sandals and slippers in a size 13 (NO WAY could I find those ANYWHERE in Vietnam).....and I was NEVER, EVER so happy to see a Subway restaurant in my life as I was in Pattaya!!

GOOD thing I got out of there before the semi-annual revolutions take place.....

Random blatherings on various updates in my life in Vietnam before Sunday the 17th.....really, I mean this.....so look for it on about the 19th or so, since I'm on Vietnamese Time now....

-E-

FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Internet AT MY HOUSE!

All right....the saga continues shortly!

On Monday the 11th: Thailand!!

-E-

Just one of those days.......


......where life does NOT seem fair.

Peggy was a girl who would do ANYTHING for ANYBODY. An absolute angel......eternally optimistic, always cheerful, and ready to help you in a time of need.

I was lucky enough to meet up with Peggy two times out of the last three when I was In Buffalo (in August, 2008 at Gabels on Hertel and in January with her brother, Dudeness, as we all hung out at Bleed's bar on Washington Street, Club Diablo).....

.....optimistic almost to a fault, yet still had a lingering sense of being pragmatic....

Peg, you'll have no idea how much you'll be missed by us all.....

http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/buffalonews/obituary.aspx?n=margaret-a-wagner-peggy&pid=126801878



......

Absurd......thass thee only word I can think of right now.......



......man am I learning what patience is.


STILL waiting (three weeks later) for Internet access in BOTH, my new school and my new house that I just rented.

The Vietnamese do NOT move very......uhhhhh........quickly......

Can't really post anything comprehensive and intelligent as ANYPLACE with Wi-Fi here in the screaming party town that is Hai Phong closes at around 11pm!

Little bit more time for the next posting......

Really sorry!

-E-