Has it really been two months......??

Interesting.....feels like I just got here.......

Haven't had time to write, and I apologise. I thought that this was gonna be a joke and that I'd be working four hours a day and have all sorts of free time....

....whilst I still do work four hours a day, Monday through Friday, I got a lotta irons in the fire - helping friends of mine with computers and finding housing, working on getting set-up and established here in Hai Phong, a couple side things, much traveling, fair amount of going out....all sorts of stuff....

Settled in quite nicely. Bought a new desktop computer 'cause my DELL laptop - which has been a TOTAL piece of shit riddled with problems since I got it brand new five years ago - is dying the slow final death. Given that I haven't carried that 500-kilogram heap O'shite on a trip anywhere in the past year (ALWAYS take the ASUS EEE pc), and that all I used it for was watching DVD's and surfing the net at home.............when it died, I decided not to drop 12 million Dong on a full-sized laptop. So I bought a pre-assembled barebones desktop and some components.

Got a Sony Vaio plus tower case, 450-watt power supply, Intel motherboard with an Atom 1.6gig processor, a gig of 800 RAM, an 80gig SATA hard drive, HP lightscribe DVD burner, generic speaker subwoofer set (which kinda cranks, actually, 'cause the Vietnamese are HUGE on Karaoke....the louder, the better for them), and a PCI slot wi-fi antenna......oh, and it also came with a 16" widescreen flat monitor, keyboard, optical mouse and a 4gig USB flash drive.

5 million Dong....

....thass $275 to you and I.

It ain't great, but it's more than I need......








I have got a PDA (that I'm still trying to figure out), a drugstore, a skooter, a mechanic, a lifeline, a bank account, my cafes (there are no Pubs here as we know them....so if ya wanna pint or a vodka-tonic, ya go to a cafe.....don't ask)......

......I established all this in a foreign country 12 time zones away from where I had lived most of my life in a matter of 2 months.

Damm......gotta remember to pat myself on the back later.....

Still, a few things take getting used to. One example would be The Goddamm National Nap! What this is, is basically where everything and everyone (and I literally mean EVERYTHING and EVERYONE) shuts down between 11AM and 1:30pm everyday. They maul a quick lunch, and go to sleep.

This doesn't really work well for a person who goes to work between 4:30pm and 9PM, dies at 2AM and wakes up at 10AM, ready to accomplish a full slate of to-do tasks.

Riding a skooter in a land of no enforced traffic laws also takes getting used to.....and sometimes it's a pain in the ass keeping road-rage in check.....but ya got to - otherwise, it shows a loss of face.

Eating some variation of rice and/or noodles every Goddamm day wears thin quickly.....but, then again, so do I - I've shed 8 kilos since I got here, and my pants are literally sliding offa me and I have five buckle holes in my belt....I'm now at the fifth, and after that, the belt will be too large for me......

But still, Christ, I would easily commit homicide for an order of 20 Duff's wings or a Ziggy's steak sub or three Buffalo tacos.....their attempt at Western Food here in Hai Phong is......ahhhhh.....ahhhh.......

....we'll leave it at that.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Getting SOME grasp of the Vietnamese Language....though it's really painful to hear my attempt to speak it.....

• List of Vietnamese words that I know.....

Tea

Beer

Hello

Goodbye

Good Night

Like (as in, to like something or someone)

Yes

No

Thank You

Beef Noodle Soup

Dick

Floor (like, as in the 6^th floor)

Father

Mother

Brother

Too expensive

Year

Month

Day

Boy

Girl

Airplane

Car

Language

Fat

Thin

Ox (or, Buffalo, as they call it here)

Monkey

Bread

Milk

Sugar

Flower

Heart

“Oh my God!”

Rain

Snow

Foreigner

Crazy (insane)

New words are being added daily – check back and keep updated!!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

More cultural faux pas......


I was invited to have lunch at Tam's house. Over her mum's ribs, Tam was translating back and forth between her parents and I. I'm sure that something got lost in translation somewhere, but apparently, I was on a roll, and they were quite interested in what I was saying and were smiling at my attempts to narrate bemusing ancedotes and shoot out glib quips, and Tam translated to me that they said that "....'you have a winning tongue'....."

I ALMOST shot out - "Interesting.....a few ex-girlfriends of mine have said the same thing, and......"

Fortunately, said tongue got bitten by upper and lower teeth before such a comment was made....





Did an upper-level class on a topic of Korean movies ('cause, for some absolutely bizarre reason, the Vietnamese kids go total apeshit over anything Korean). I was given a list of six movies to research by one of the Vietnamese staff. Of course, the list was in English, and Googling them didn't give me many results. So I went into the class half-blind on the topic.

Now, this class is composed of about 12 girls and four boys. And after hearing the girls explain synopses with recurring themes, I blurted out "Oh Christ - I got handed a list of chick flicks!"

Jerry Brown look on the students faces -

"Right" I explained. "A Chick Flick is a movie with all of these same elements in it's theme. Waiii a sec - girls, help me here - now, on this list which I was given, we had films where a really well-heeled handsome boy ignores all of the high-society severe hottie chicks and falls in love with the poor, average looking-girl whose father is a blacksmith or a garbageman or something because she's fun and has a great personality. Right, we have also had films where a girl is in love with two or more boys and confusion, hilarity, and madcap zany hijinx abound! And we've also talked about movies where the girl was in a coma for a few years, or she had left the country for a while, and wakes up or comes home, and accidentally bumps her first high school love, but he's married......but then his wife isn't home one day and he sees a note that she left saying that she's left him for another guy, right? And they rekindle their love whilst trying to find each other all over the world. But no one EVER dies....otherwise, it ain't a Chick Flick....got it??"

Heads start nodding slowly.......

"OK...less lookie at this gem - called 'Boys over Flowers' - Now, who here has seen this movie?"

11 girls and one boy raised their hands.

"DUDE!!!! Put yer Goddamm hand down!"

"OK......OK....cool....cool....sorry about that - allright, Dude....now, did your girlfriend force you to see this flick??"

"No, I don't have a girlfriend......"

"Ahhhh......OK.....ahhhh.....lemme get my 15,000 Dong original, perfectly legitimate copy of "Gran Torino" back from Tam and I'll get that to you tomorrow.....'K?? We'll man you up yet......"





Had a particularly troublesome lower-level class (like, ten-eleven years old) a couple days ago...just obnoxious and wouldn't behave or shut up!!

So, as I was reading out of chapter 12 from the text, entitled "Holiday in Nha Trang"......

.....reminded me of something, so I started singing aloud - "It's a Holiday in Nha Trang....where you'll do what your told.....a Holiday in Nha Trang....where............."

Me singing started them smiling and giggling.....

"Cute, eh? Well....tell ya what - if you behave for the remainder of the class, I'll show you a video of that song. Sound good?"

So, during the last five minutes of class, on the 46" LCD screen, I played this link for them -

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=1379633

By the end of the video......oh man, you shoulda seen the pale, ashen look on the Vietnamese staff member's face who was sitting in the back of the class (this early 20's girl named Trang).......

The kids loved Jello, though.....




On the above mentioned computer, I had noticed on the website that it had stated that is had a DOS operating system. "Great," I figured ".....by the time I get a pirated copy mailed from the states, the computer will be obsolete! Oh well....time to toss Emperor Gates a hundred-fiddy for XP Pro."

So I hop to another computer store, ask for an operating system, and get led to the software counter and the guy told me to wait a while.....

Well I'm waiting there for 20 minutes thinking "What the fuck?? Is he waiting for a
U.S. mail shipment from Redmond, Washington for the Goddamm thing???"

Then......he tells me that it'll be 17,000 Dong (like, one U.S. dollar) and hands me this
burned CD of XP Pro SP2 wiff a product key sharpie-ed on it!


I laffed so hard, I alomst fell over....I mean, it was just so overt and normal, it was
bizarre!! Just bizarre....the guy and everybody else just acted as though he sold me a
candy bar or something!

And THEN, later that night, as I'm putting the hardware together and I fire my computer
up???

It ALREADY magically HAS a copy of Windows XP Professional SP3 on it.....

Too funny.....


LOTSA pics on the next post.....soon as I buy a new battery charger for my battries for my camera....

-E-

More Blatherings.....

Ho Chi Minh City was actually fun! I had been here in April, 2008 for 27 hours and did not really care for it that much at all. This time, however, I really enjoyed it.

Did a LOT, A LOT of walking around aimlessly, checked out some computer stores (and, yeah, stuff at Fry's is about 25% cheaper than the same things here are), drank several pints, played some slot machines (and walked away $110 US Dollars happier), and finally caught up with my Viet Kieu buddy, Mai Thy,

I had worked with Mai Thy in the Bureau of Development Services for the City of Portland Government back in the Halcyon days. She was visiting family in Ho Chi Minh City thee same weekend that I was gonna be there.

Well, she FINALLY called me on Sunday because she had gotten deathly ill because of the pollution and excessive cigarette smoke ('cause she's used to Portlandia's clean air and Draconian anti-smoking laws) and was out of order forra week. Caught up with her, met her entire extended family and we all went out to celebrate International Woman's Day (which is a big deal here in Vietnam) at a posh restaurant with a mammoth hot pot feast befitting royalty! I had offered to pay, but Mai Thy's family would hear no such talk!

Her family told me that I talk and act “...like a Northerner....” I THINK thass a good thing.....I dunno.....I mean, I like Hai Phong, and what little Tieng Viet (Vietnamese language) I DO speak, I learn from my friends and “family” in Hai Phong.

Wish I coulda stayed in Ho Chi Minh City longer......my opinion of the place went from “sucks” in April 2008 to “kinda cool, actually....” in March 2009.

NOW, if only they could do something about the excessive heat here......


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


When you feel that you did what you needed to do, didn't do drugs, kept your shit clean, and seeked out the middle-class American dream, and yet you never quite got there....mostly through no fault of your own....and when you run away during a brutal economic depression (whilst watching well-connected white guys steal money from people with no repercussions), like a rat deserting a sinking ship, and things are going wonderfully in your new ex-pat nation, then it becomes pretty easy to dis the United States........

When the family you live with treats you like a King, and worries about your every decision, you tend to grow to appreciate them and respect them and be glad that they're there for you.

My “mother”, Hang (you pronounce that “Haaahng”) is an absolute angel. A woman who will grab me and throw me down at the table whenever I come downstairs and make sure that have enough to eat (maybe not a good thing for me, but still....), do my laundry for me, etc. etc.

Well, I had gotten home from class one night and had decided to sit in the lobby of the Guesthouse that they own right next door to the main house where I reside. Ngoc and Hang were already there, chatting. Grabbed a couple pints and we began conversing.....

We then saw on TV during a news program this American guy who was being led away in handcuffs and surrounded buy all these Asian guys in uniforms. Ngoc explained to me that this guy had been busted in Thailand for attempting to obtain guns and smuggle 'em back into the US.

“Do people have guns in America?” Hang asked.

“Well, you CAN obtain a gun legally, but it's a huge pain in the ass. You hafta go before a Judge, get fingerprinted, and they REEEAALLLLY look you over good. If they are satisfied, then they issue you a slip of paper that lets you go buy a gun.” I answered. “But that is not how most people obtain guns in America.”

“If not thru Judge, then how?” asked Ngoc

“Errrmmm, they pretty much go to any street corner in any big city and just buy a gun from someone.....no paper, no questions!” I told her.

“Ah, I see. Do you have a gun in America?” Hang asked me.

“Me??!!? Oh fuck no!! I despise guns! But I know several people in America who do have a gun. Are people allowed to have guns in Vietnam?”

“No.....noooooo......if you have gun, you go prison for three years!!” Ngoc responded.

“Hmmm.....same as The States. Do your prisons here have Cable TV and conjugal visits?”

“Sorry?? I do not understand.”

“Nothing, Ngoc, bad joke. So, does Vietnam have the Death Penalty?”

“I do not know such thing, can you please tell me?”

I then explained to Hang and Ngoc that, in some parts of America, if you kill somebody, then go to trial, then are found guilty, the Government kills you.

“Oh. Wow......no, no, we do not do that here. A person goes to prison for 20 years, maybe more” said Ngoc.

“My mother love America!” Ngoc said. “I do too. It is so free! Do you love America?”

Now, this was a loaded question, even though it was never intended to be. But still, I was pretty sure that the PATRIOT Act did not extend overseas, so I spoke freely -

“Well, there are a lot of fucked up things about America and it's inhabitants......but it's not a bad place.....and it can only get better with President Obama now in office!”

“My mother tried to go to America.....”

“Oh? What happened? They turn her away at the border?”

“No, The Cong find her boat.......and bring her back to Viet Nam......”

“Squeeze me????!!!!” I shot back, as my jaw didn't hit the floor, but dropped straight through it!

“Yes, my mother did not make it. She leave Saigon in small boat when she was 20 years old (1975)......but The Cong get her boat. She still loves America as Number One, though!”

I sat there, dumbfounded. I literally could not say a word!! I mean, in grade school, we used to have these cheezy reading aid papers called “Weekly Readers” In one particular edition, there was a story about Vietnamese “boat people” who hopped into (literally) rowboats and tried to hop THOUSANDS of miles over to the U.S........many people died. But these people were stories in a school reading assignment! Then when I got older, these people were stories on the news on TV........

.......but to actually know somebody who risked death to make it to America.......THAT was different....it really personifies things......

Generally, the Vietnamese dislike displays of emotion, namely anger and sadness......I hadta go out into the alley for a few minutes.

It will really make me think before I slag off The U.S. again.....

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I had told Tam about a month ago that I''d like to chill at Ngoc and Hang's place for February, and then set off and find a place of my own. Tam had then explained how much they really like me, how much they truly enjoy having me around (I can LITERALLY count on one hand the number of people who feel that way about me), and that it would “....bring great sadness to them.....” if I took off.

Well, hell.....I had brought great sadness to a number of people back in America.......so now would be a good time to attempt to change my ways.

“To bring great sadness” in Vietnam is like the atomic bomb. It is thee last thing you use when you would like someone to do something. I had decided to give this a try when I got Ngoc and Hang hooked on black tea I had brought from Canada ('cause all that they drink here is that nasty-ass rot-gut green tea shit).

Ngoc had stated that she must go look for some and buy more!

I had told her that I have some more and I will give her some.

She was quite insistent that I do not.

I then told her that it would bring great sadness to me if she did not accept this tea that am giving her!

It worked.....

I mean, shit! All Robert McNamera hadta do was to go up to Ho Chi Minh and state - “We are really hurt by your incursions into the South of Vietnam. It brings us great sadness!” and we probably wouldn't have had a Vietnam War!


More shortly.....

-E-

Blatherings about experiences in Vietnam......


I was teaching an advanced level class (like, 16-17 year-olds) last week and the topic I was given to present was “Food”. It's a free-form format (as opposed to teaching with a textbook), so I thought that I'd ask the students some of their favourite Vietnamese dishes and then ask them about some Foreign dishes that they've heard about.

Well, for the first list, I got the usual suspects (Pho Bo, Bangmy Pate, Fish sauce [GOD I love that stuff] and about five different dishes involving rice).

One student then mentioned “Chao”, or Dog! OK, cool, I said, and I put it up on the blackboard. Then another mentioned “Meo” or cat.

Oooooohhh-KAY.....trying to keep a poker-face expression here.....

“Errrmmm......can anybody clear this up for me? I had heard that eating Meo (cat) is now illegal in Vietnam. Is this true??”

The class all nodded yes in unison.

“OK....right, so has anyone here tried Meo before”

“Of course” said one girl.

“Errmmm......OK.....ahhhh......does anyone actually LIKE Meo?” I asked.

“Yes” said several people.

So I asked the girl - “OK....errrmm....ahhhh....what does Meo taste like?

“It is nice. It is more.....more....how you say.....teender and zooschy than Chao (Dog) is”

“Ahh....OK, more tender and juicy than dog, ahhhh, gotcha....I see”

“Ooer....look at the time! Class dismissed”

Don't think I'll eat ANY meat for a while now.....but I'll get over it. I mean, what do the Hindus think when they come to visit America and some guy in the restaurant is eating a big-ass Porterhouse at the table right next to them??

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I was told by a kind gent who owns a bar/hotel in Cat Ba that "Xin Chow", depending on HOW EXACTLY it's said in terms of pronunciation and accentual stress, can mean A) – Hello or B) – noodles. Much like the word “mua”, depending on where the accentual stress is placed, can either mean “rain” or “to buy something”.

Wonderful!!! At least twice a day, little Vietnamese kids (and sometime little Vietnamese adults) come up to me on the street and say “Hello” in English.....and, with my luck, I answer back in Tieng Viet (The Vietnamese Language) “Noodles!!!” instead of “Hello!”

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Oh God....now I'm really going to Hell......

Tam had gotten the can from the school, which was partially MY fault – I mean, when a meek, submissive Vietnamese girl starts hanging with an American who takes no shit from anybody [just ask the Human Resources department of a certain municipal government], fun and hi-jinx are sure to follow!

I won't go into the gory details here, because I kinda like my job, and I haf no idea WHO actually reads this, sooooo.........but still, I now realise why people kept calling me a bad influence when I was younger....

I felt very, VERY badly about the entire thing, but Tam told me to put it out of my mind. “I have not felt this happy in a long time – it is almost like relief! I am now no longer intimidated and.....how you say.....bully?”

“Bullied” I corrected her.

So, she somehow got connected into a job as a church secretary, a position she'll be starting in the next few weeks. They gave her a preliminary assignment before she actually takes the reins as church secretary – learn the Bible.

“E, there are things I cannot understand! So much confusion. Can you please help me?? It bring much happiness to me if you can help me understand Bible.......”

Now, THIS is a mistake! Asking me to assist in understanding The Bible is very similar to asking Adolf Hitler to elaborate on the benefits of racial diversity.....or asking Pol Pot to explain WHY dissent by intellectuals actually is a good thing for the nation.

“But, you tell me that this used to be your former religion???” Tam asked.

“Yeah, and it wasn't truly voluntary” I responded.

So, Tam swung by my pad, and I asked: “OK, what do you hafta know and where do we start?”

“I must read the first book of Bible – Genesee – must learn the parts 1 through 12”

“I try to avoid that book....especially the Cream Ale in the pounder bottles”

“No, I am sorry. I mean.....uhhh....'Genesis'...”

“King James Version, Peter Gabriel Version or Phil Collins Version??”

“I do not understand, can you tell me difference?”

“Tam....I'm sorry.....bad joke”

“OK, I start on this page......” as she was about to open the book.

“In the beginning, God created the heavens and the Earth......” I said.

“WOW!!! You remember that from your young days as Christian?”

“No, I remember that from a question in the 'Arts and Literature' category in a Trivial Pursuit
game in my 20s – 'WHAT are the first ten words in The Bible?'”

And so it went, and I know I'm going to hell, where I'll do speedballs with River Phoenix and Sid Vicious.....because, as I explained the story of Adam and Eve, Cain and Able, and Noah and the Great Flood, I added way too many sarcastic editorial comments (“Soooo, now, Tam – How do you suppose that if Adam and Eve were the first humans, and they had two sons, where the fuck did Cain get a wife from?? eHarmony.com?” - “Now, The Great Flood killed every living thing on the planet.....but in the part where the sun finally comes out and shit dried up, it now says here that Noah's three sons each had a wife. Where did the wives come from?? I mean, the flood killed everything, right? And if they were on the ark from the get-go, then, right before the flood, when God ordered Noah to take aboard only TWO of each animal and plant species, were humans given an exemption to that “Two-of-every-species” command by God??”).

I really shoulda tried to be more neutral......but, as she left for home, I told her to keep an eye on her purse.....and not from the pickpockets on the street......

More later....

-E-

Tried a new beach this weekend.....

Got tired of Do Son. The water really isn't that clean-looking, and the place has too many hookers in it for my liking. So, bought a ticket on a hydrofoil going from Hai Phong to Cat Ba Island, or at least I THOUGHT I did.....

I was under the impression that this jetfoil would blow outta Hai Phong Harbour and shoot me straight in to Cat Ba Town (the only “town” on the island – it has about 8,000 people living there).

Well, no......

There IS one that does but it wasn't the one that I bought a ticket for!

The one that I bought a ticket for forces you on a bus for, like, 40 kilometres, then drops you off at a dock in the middle of some combination of a swamp and a rice paddy in the middle of nowhere. You THEN catch the Hydrofoil there, which takes you to the BACK SIDE of Cat Ba island and drops you in the middle of the jungle.....where you then take a 30 kilometre bus ride into Cat Ba “town” - all the while avoiding VC patrols (no, jes' kidding....).....

....needless to say, this sucked and ate a ton of time.

Of course, when I BOUGHT the ticket, nobody bothered to mention to me that, with this particular carrier, I hop a bus and then a boat and THEN another bus to get to Cat Ba “town”.......naaaaaw......musta slipped their minds....

Of course, if I read Vietnamese better, I'd be able to SEE that is what this particular trip does.....but, naaaaaww.....musta slipped my mind to spend more time learning Vietnamese!

I didn't really plan Cat Ba well at all. First off, I wanted a place to crash AHEAD of time (sorry.....sorry.....getting old and I no longer really get into walking all over towns looking at fifty different hotel rooms and trying to negotiate a price). So I got a place called The Holiday View inside Cat Ba “town” for 950,000 Dong for what they call a “Deluxe Suite”! Shit....hate to see the “standard” room then because this thing was about the size of a typical Best Western or Holiday Inn. The hardwood floors were way cool, and the balcony overlooking the bay was nice, but this is VIET NAM!! This is 1/3 a month's salary for most folks in Hai Phong......Jesus.....

Still, though, it was a fifteen minute walk to the Sunset Resort (which is one of Cat Ba's three beaches – and even if the thing's ON YOUR RESORT'S PROPERTY?? It's STILL a public beach [how very Ora-gaaaan of them]) and I really enjoyed the view from the balcony, soooo......

For Sunday Night, I HAD reserved a room at the Cat Ba Island Resort and Spa. Cool, it is DIRECTLY ON beach #2....all right. Well, reserved a room for 1,000,000 for Sunday Night. Thought that on Saturday Night, I'd have a peek at what I was getting.

Got there, was taken to the room, and was not terribly impressed. For THAT kinda Dong, you'd think I'd get something a bit larger than a tiger cage! Good thing I checked it out first.....canceled immediately and went wandering about the town, looking at about 20 or so hotels!

Now, HERE'S where the fact of booking ahead DOES actually come in handy, as whilst I was walking around, it became pretty obvious that I was comparing hotels, then, like a flock of vultures, I was swarmed upon by fifty different guys: “Misser....Misser, please, cheek out MY hotel! It very nice!” Couple of 'em offered a kayak tour for an additional 100,000 Dong if I chose their hotel, but hell, a couple of these guys even offered to toss in a girl for the night for an extra 100,000 Dong if I stayed in their hotel!!! THAT was some irritating shit. Kinda thought that I left that behind in Do Son.......

BUT, after enough perseverance, I found a room at a place on the seventh (top) floor that overlooked the harbour and had actually been CLEANED since the American War (unlike, about 90% of the hotels in Cat Ba that go for less than 1,500,000 Dong a night). It's off season, and NOBODY ELSE is on the entire floor (which has, like, five rooms on it), so I have this big-ass balcony to myself, and it's a fifth of the price (200,000 Dong a night) of the place I stayed in (the Holiday View – 900,000 Dong a night) on Saturday Night. It has no Wi-Fi, but I'd been to four cafes, bars and hotels in Cat Ba “town” and tried their Wi-Fi that they advertised.......

......and THOSE don't work....so who cares?

(ONE of these days, I'll just leave the laptop at home.....)


The OTHER great planning maneuver I did was to figger - “Man, it's hot today here in Hai Phong. Oh yeah, time to pack for Cat Ba. Oh hell...les' jes' bring two T-Shirts and two pair shorts and two underwear an' we is all set!”

Well, now THAT was smart, wasn't it??

ALL my favourite outdoor beach/water activities (like kayaking and sitting on the beach all day drinking pints) were off-limits now, because this brain-surgeon (your author) NEVER BOTHERED to inquire locally before he departed as, if he had, he'd see that Hai Phong is about 25 degrees warmer than Cat Ba Island........and that thee closer to the water you actually get, the colder it becomes! Given the fact that your author has lost about 99.2% of his former ability to tolerate cold, well.....

STILL, though, at 240,000 Dong round trip for the hydrofoil and 200,000 for a cool hotel room, I KNOW I'll be back.....errrmmm.....let's just consider this an exploratory mission......

Here be some pics -





Fishing rowboat out in the open water about 5 kilometres from Cat Ba Island






Cat Ba "town".....thass it....this pretty much be all of it.....ain't nowhere near as charming as Rockaway Beach, Oregon, but at maybe a fifth of the cost....






EVERYBODY loves a floating restaurant......




View from my balcony at noon.....



The view at 6PM.....


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Bought a flight to Ho Chi Minh City/Saigon last week. Partially because I just wanted to see the War Remnants Museum (I missed it when I was there in April, 2008 because of some sort of bizarre electrical issues where they had shut the museum for the day, and I was only in Saigon for 27 hours) and the Vietnamese take on the “American War” and also because......well......shit.....there's nowhere else to fly to out of Hai Phong! Nope! A city with 2.5 million people in it, and thee only flights you can get outta there is to Ho Chi Minh City.

R.E.M. wrote the song “Can't get there from here” about Hai Phong's Cat Bi Airport.........

......basically ya gotta hop a bus for 2½ hours or ride your skooter 105 kilometres to Hanoi's Noi Bai Airport if you actually wanna go to somewhere.

But, oddly enuff, I had just gotten word two days after I bought my flight that a Viet Kieu friend of mine whom I used to work with at The City of Portland Bureau of Development Services is going to be flying from PDX to Saigon that weekend, so I is really looking forward to that.......

More from Ho Chi Minh City next weekend.....

-E-

Jes' wondering.....


I haf nooooo idea HOW many people actually READ this thing, but I haf a question.

I was told by two different people that the white text on black background is kinda annoying and difficult to read.

Please advise me if you'd prefer it in a more readable colour!!

I'm counting on your opinion!! If you don't reply or comment, then you support terrorism!!

So there!! ;-P

-E-

OK.....where do I start?

.....lotsa shit goin' on.....

OK, we'll go chronologically, then......

• Jerry The Gordie had told me that, much like North America, one has to purchase skooter insurance in order to ride on the road here in Viet Nam. OK....the guy's been residing here on and off for more than six years.......no questions.

So, I ask Tam to take me to get skooter insurance.

She leads me to a sporting goods store.....

".......errrmmmm, Tam......I don't want a pair of Nikes.......I'd like skooter insurance."

"You buy motorbike insurance here."

"But it's a sporting goods shop!"

"They do not earn much money selling things for sport here. So they......how you say......diverfee?? Diversee??"

"Diversify?"

"VANG!! Yes! Yes! They do other things and also sell sport goods!"


Now, I despise insurance people with a flaming passion ('cept for Nick Fox, 'cause he's a friend of mine, and I can't tell him what career to get into). I deplore the literal multitude of private questions that they demand answers to ("Are you married?" "Do you OWN a house?" "WHAT is your credit score?") and generally, I feel unplesant around anything even having anything to do with insurance........particularly since I have never actually FILED a claim IN MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!

So this sporting goods store gig caught me quite off guard.......

"Uhhh......OK. Here's my passport.....here's my Oregon driver's license with the Classes "M"and "C" on it. If you turn it over like so, it means that I am legally allowed to drive a motorbike and a automobile, and........"

"Ernie......Ernie!!!! They do not care about you!! The motorbike is more important than you!!"

Well.......shit......THANKS, Tam! Deflate my ego a bit, why don't you.....?

So I show them the Bill of Sale and the title (which LITERALLY DOES NOT have one's name on it) and five minutes later and 70,000 Dong lighter, we walk out with a certificate that states that me and my passenger are covered up to 30 million Dong in medical expenses on the policy. And, on the back of it, I SWEAR, there was a 20% off coupon for Guido's pizzaeria and another offering buy one-get one free at Nguyen's Pho Ba restaurant.........

"Do not believe everything on the paper" said Tam.

"What???!!??? I hafta PAY for the second bowl of Pho Ba at Nguyen's.....???!!??"

"No. About the insurance......"

"Errrmm.......Tam?? Trust me: It is the same way in America!"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

• Caught my first VFF (Viet Nam Football Federation) match at Lach Tray Stadium (pronounced "lack CHAY") where Hai Phong Cement beat The Army 2-1. Was very interesting.....OVER-packed house to the point where people sat in the stairwells, no beer and water is served only in a plastic bag (because of past Hooliganism problems). And, when a Hai Phong player received a rather dodgy yellow card from the ref, I stood up and shouted "BULLSHIT!" and everyone for ten rows in all dircetions around me became silent and looked at me. I guess dissent with the referee is frowned upon here.

Christ.....wish some of the high school matches that I had officiated in America were like that...........


Some pics -





Game ticket























Walking to the stadium, I passed a tasty pre-game snack......but I wasn't that hungry....
























My friends Suzanne and Ed at the stadium, representing their respective nations





Them....



Hai Phong Cement walking off after warm-ups




About an hour before kickoff....



Right before kickoff.





Right AT kickoff.....notice that the stairwell disappeared into a mass of humanity....




The Cong supporters who came in from Ha Noi.......these were thee only empty seats in the entire stadium.




Fun match.....great atmosphere. But I'm really not too sure how much I enjoy getting to the match two hours beforehand because of general admission seating with no beer and having to climb over a literal mass of humanity sitting down on what used to be the stairwell just to go take a piss. Shit, and you thought that going to Rich Stadium was bad......

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

• My cavalier attitude towards speed limits here and my misplaced faith in my Cracka friends here (who repeatedly stated: "Oh, don't worry....they NEVER pull over foreigners here!") would come back to bite me in the ass....

I was headed on the 20 kilometre ride down to Do Son beach to relax and drink a few beers on the beach. The speed limit nationally in Viet Nam for skooters is 60 Kilometres Per Hour MAXIMUM ANYWHERE and 40 Kilometres Per Hour maximum in any built-up/urbanised area.

There are, like three "built-up" (and, if you had seen these tiny shantytowns, you'd agree that's really a stretch of the term "built-up") areas on the way from Hai Phong to Do Son.

It was a mild day with sunshine, not too hot at all, and I was feeling good and ready to pound a few pints on the beach! So, obviously I wasn't thinking about what my speedometer was saying.

Once I get thru to the end of this "built-up" area, I see a bunch of guys in khaki milling about near the side of the road......

".....oooer, speed trap" I had thought to myself. "I'd best slow down and make a good show of it."

Until this bright white skooter with a guy in khaki blares straight out of nowhere and cuts me off. He then signals for me to go to the side of the road.

"Oh SHIT!" I thought to myself. "Wonder if they can even FIT my ass into a Tiger Cage?"

So, I'm standing on the sidewalk, and this army-looking dude in khaki comes right up to me and gives me a military salute.

Now, in the very deeeeeep, daaaaark misty past, during my misspent youth, I had gone out to The Continental one night and engaged in faaaaar too many excesses. The next morning, I was in the United States Army. I really still can't quite piece together what happened during the interim, except that it involved circus midgets using whips on girls clad in leather bikinis and i thought that I saw fireworks as well.....

After a while, the Army and I both mutually decided that this really wasn't gonna really be a good fit for either of us, and we parted ways with no hard feelings on either side.

But there are three things that will stick with me FOREVER -

- I STILL write my dates as 23 FEB 2009

- When spelling things, I STILL use the NATO phonetic alphabet (e.g. - F=Foxtrot/A=Alpha/W=Whiskey, etc.)

- And, when saluted by somebody in uniform, I STILL slam the insides of my feet together, stand rigid, and snap a salute back

Which is what I did here.

The guy looked absolutely stunned......I don't think that the Vietnamese generally do that when getting pulled over.

So, I get led over to this giant Jeep-like thing where some khaki guy is sitting inside, and I was told that I was going 60 K.P.H. in a 40. They requested 200,000 Dong as a fine/suggested donation. I felt now was NOT the right time to attempt to negotiate, so I paid him, shook all the cops hands, and rode off. They all smiled and waved at me and one of them even said "Good luck!"

I laffed so hard at that, that I nearly lost control of my skooter.........

Just a bit pissed off at myself for forgetting to affix the "I support the Vietnam Police Benevolent Association - 2009" sticker to the back of my skooter!!!!


I was instructed by a couple of my Cracka co-workers that, IF pulled over, you are supposed to hand over your title/registration, your insurance, and slip a 100,000 Dong bill in there nice and neatly, and you'll be on your way in no time!

I really was NOT in a mood to experiment that day, plus the thought of the Tiger Cages......well.......

It really didn't bother me. Given that, I found out later, I DID get tagged the "Vietnamese rate" (as opposed to the affluent foreigner rate) for the fine (probably because I saluted back and offered them all cigarettes), that they were quite pleasant about the entire thing (as opposed to, say, New York State StormTrooper pigs), and that I calculated it out after I rode off......

......it came to $11.76USD.

So what if it went into their pockets. Fine by me......I mean, if you look at the BIG picture, there is no profit-mongering insurance conglomerate just drooling at the opportunity to now jack up your premium so they can increase their profit. The entire thing was quite efficient, actually.....






More next week......

-E-

"Dooomb Fucking Yankee"!!!!

The above expression I had heard whilst I was driving in Victoria, British Columbia many moons ago with a girl I had once lived with. It was a warm summers day, and the white Ford Econoline van next to me had screeched to a halt due to a rather bone-headed driving maneuver by the person in front of him, who happened to have Washington State plates on his vehicle! The Gordie operator of said Econoline had stated the title of this chapter quite expressively to display his displeasure at the antics of the American driver directly in front of him......

.....it also could be utilised to describe some of the adventures that your humble narrator has been on over the past week.....

• My friends and "family" here were screaming at me when I told them how much I paid for my skooter.
  

"WHAT?? NO! NO! Khong!! Khong!! That skooter cost 8 Million Dong!"

"Errmm....no, it cost me 11 Million!"

"NO!! I cannot believe you!! That is an 8 Million Dong skooter!! So sad :-( "

"Errrmmm.....I offered the guy 9 mill, and he stated clearly and unequivocally 'Khong!!' and then let me walk away!!! I came back two days later and offered 11 Million, down from his 11.5, for it!!"

"When you go buy, who go with you?"

"Errmm....jes' me and Jerry The Gordie.....why?"

All hands slapped foreheads almost in unison.

"Why you not bring Vietnamese with you????!!!!!!???"

"Errrmmm.....'cause none were available, and I really didn't wish to bother anybody, sooo......"

(repeat hand-slap-to-forehead by Vietnamese)

Tam said: "Ernie - You must take me with you when you go out to do things such as this! Or another Vietnamese.....someone amongst us will be honoured to go with you and will ALWAYS make time to do so......I always worry about you when you go out alone. You must not be so independent."

Obviously, she don't know me very well......

"Tam, look, please - I take care of shit on my own, and I really dislike putting anybody off! PLEASE, do not worry about me!!"

I would hear the same thing about getting a flat tyre fixed by some guy on the street corner ("WHAT???!!?? You give them 100,000 to repair you flat??? Why you not call us??? You should pay no more than 50,000 Dong!!" - "Errrmm.....because it was 11 O'Clock at night, and the guy tossed me a couple of beers on the cuff......")

And before ANYBODY starts bitching about my spelling again.....








So THERE!!!! :-P

• Rode my skooter to Ha Noi (Hanoi) last Saturday after finishing last week's posting. 208 Kilometres (like, 125 miles) round-trip on something that can easily fit into your closet is an experience! Still, though.....again, the thing MOVES!!!! Moves to the extent that I had a rather cavalier attitude towards the mandated velocity maximum and I cruised to Ha Noi in under 90 minutes (whereas, actually following the speed limits gets you there in about two hours).

Went to the Old Quarter (Hoan Kiem) of Ha Noi, got lost for two hours trying to find the Blue Sky Hotel (see post of April, 2008) and, upon arrival, was told it was 300,000 Dong for what they showed me was a room maybe half as nice as the one I stayed in back in April there.

"Errrmmm.....I stayed in here in April in room 202 and dropped 200,000 per night!!!"

"That was last year......"

"Uhhhh.....honey?? Inflation really shouldn't jump 33% in nine months!! Particularly during an economic recession."

(insert Jerry Brown look on the receptionist's face here)

So I stayed seven blocks away (still in the Old Quarter) at the Old Street Hotel......same price - nicer room - better attitude!

Hung out and had a few beers on the Hoan Kiem lakefront, went into a bar in a hotel that for some reason, had a video slot machine parlour in it (I would find out later that only hotels that are given four-star or higher ratings are allowed to have video slot machines in them....and, also, only tay [foreign passport holders] are allowed access to them). Walked out one hundred U.S. Dollars richer and went back to the hotel.

Next day, I saw a mom-and-pop DVD shop on the street. But they had such titles as "Gran Turino", "Slumdog Millionaire", "Milk" and others!!!!

"Wow!!" I thought to myself. "These folks must have some serious connections to be able to get these films on DVD for sale before even Blockbuster Video has them!!!!!"

And I walked out with a DVD of "Gran Turino" for the ridiculously high price of 15,000 Dong......

................

................

.....errrmmm......thass 87 U.S. cents (or $1.04 Gordie).



For SOME reason, I don't think that Clint Eastwood is losing sleep regarding his fiscal stability over my purchase last weekend......

Basically - you is gonna buy something in Viet Nam or China?? ALWAYS ASSUME that it's gonna be a pirate copy! Literally......as opposed to the high-quality original that I had purchased, shown below -





But I DID find the Hanoi Hilton.......here it is -

• Got my cell fone nicked on Thursday Night. Dunno how, where or when (fell outta my pocket whilst I was riding? Snatched outta my backpack?? Dunno.....), but it wasn't lost - it got nicked. THEN, looked at my skooter when I got home, and saw that the two screws that fit the front plastic piece onto the frame ALSO got nicked!!
  

Found that to be slightly irritating, but for some reason, my shit's calm here! Can't figure out why, seriously!!

I mean, had that happened in The States, I woulda hunted the guy down and probably killed him......

Then, turned on one of my laptops for the first time in a couple days ( a record for me), and found out about the plane crash in Clarence Center..........

......suddenly, my petty little problems weren't irritating anymore......



I'm off to bed....gonna go see Cement Hai Phong take on the Cong (Army team) in a VFF match tomorrow.


More soon....

-E-

Apologies.....

.....I've been very busy this past week, and, when I get shit settled down and I get settled in.......postings will be more frequent!

Few observations and events -

• The Vietnamese smoke like CHIMNEYS!!! I mean, they even smoke in the lobbies of fucking HOSPITALS!!! Not a good thing, as the (RELATIVE TO WESTERNERS) cheap price of a pack of Japanese charcoal-filtered ciggies (25,000 Dong....like $1.75USD) and the fact that NOWHERE is off-limits from smoking really make this nation a tough place to try to cut back on smoking.

• These people personify the old axiom “Early to bed, early to rise”!! There really isn't much to do here after 12 midnight (though, ALLEGEDLY, there are a few actual nightclubs that stay open until 2AM-ish).....and if you're enjoying several pints with friends at around 11:30pm at a cafe, the proprietors (usually run by a family) will stand around you, tapping their feet, gradually putting the furniture back inside, etc. This is in Vietnam's third-largest city, at 3.1 million population in the Hai Phong metro area (which really isn't that large geographically, as the Vietnamese are huge on density and not terribly excited about sprawl). I'm viewed as a bit of a freak here because I go to bed around 2AM and wake up around 10:30am!

• Left the classroom I was residing in and reside now in a huge-ass room with a private bathroom in the house of the family of one of the staff members of the school (whose name is Ngoc......pronounced “nup”). Holy shit! Talk about an experience in cultural anthropology.......this is like the flick “Krippendorf's Tribe”!!
  
  Jerry The Gordie drops off like 95 lbs. worth of my luggage on the back of his skooter at my new home (Jerry is as pasty as any Cracka British Columbian, but he essentially is Vietnamese thru and thru.....as the Vietnamese ROUTINELY carry things like entire trees, 32” television sets, small refrigerators, mattresses, and fuck knows what else on the back of a skooter) and, upon my entrance, I get greeted with much fanfare and a bottle of Johnny Walker Black is cracked open. Errrmmm.......OK......

THEN, I discover that the staff member's (Ngoc's) English is dodgy at best, and I realise that she's NOWHERE AROUND! NOBODY there speaks a syllable of English. THEN I re-discover that the “Grunt-and-Point” works a LOT better in Europe than in Asia. So, the mother (whose name is pronounced “Hahnga”) and I point at shit and say the words in our respective tongues and then we go to my room and she helps me with my Rosetta Stone pronunciation.........



Ngoc on the fone


I reside on a very narrow alley called Ngyuen Duc Canh (you pronounce that "muh-when-duh-kaaang"). Addresses 1-65 of the alley (no, it really is considered a street) are residential, addresses 65 - 100 are retail and a pagoda, and 100 - onwards Ngyuen Duc Canh turns into this big-ass Grande Boulevard parkway thoroughfare with shops, cafes, restaurants and whatnot lining it.






















My front door (the pale blue gates)





The residential section of my "street"





The commercial section of my "street"

• Bought a skooter! Thee cool, hipster area, Minh Khai, is, like, three kilometres from my new digs (and is overwhelmed with Hai Phong's fifteen or so Crackas, all of whom seem to hang out there)......and the walk back after several pints was wearing a bit tiresome after a few nights. Plus, if I wanted to just take off to Do Son beach (20 Km) or even Hanoi (98 Km), I can do it at my leisure, and don't hafta borrow a bike from one of Tuan's family members!

• Riding here is an absolute fucking treat! There are dead ZERO traffic laws (well....OK.....I take that back – there ARE one or two on paper.....but everybody ignores them and they are never enforced) and it literally is like anarchy on the roads. During one three-day stretch, I had seen three accidents (skooter-pedestrian, skooter-bicycle and skooter-skooter). The first one I saw was where a bicyclist did a wild-ass U-turn in the middle of a busy street with no regard for anything or anybody. He got taken out broadside by a skooter.

I was riding with Tam as my passenger. I screamed “HOLY SHIT!!!!” and literally shook!

Tam stated “Oh......it's to be expected. That happens all of the time” in the same tone of voice in which one would observe “Oh.....it's cloudy today” in Portland.

It literally makes “Death Race 2000” look as heart-pumping as competitive knitting by comparison......

I mean, last Saturday, two days before school went into session, all staff hopped onto motorbikes and went on a marathon five-minutes-per-stop tour to all staff member's family's houses (DON'T ask). Well, we got to the house where Ngoc and her family and I reside, when Tuan (Our Leader/Director of the school that bears his name) gets a fone call and a pale look on his face.

Apparently, word spread through the group that we are to proceed quickly to the hospital!

"The hospital??!!??" I asked. "What is it??!??"

"It's a large building with sick people in it......but that's not important right now" responded Tuan.

Well, no, he didn't say that.....but still, it wouldn't surprise me if he did....


So we discover that Nguyen was riding on the back of a skooter with Tung, and some douchebag knocked 'em over and sliced Ngyuen's foot open quite nicely.

In the waiting area with many people puffing away on ciggies, I asked for more detail.

"It was not Tung's fault - somebody accidentally bumped into them and they fell over."

I then saw Nguyen's foot, and I got a touch heated -

"Well, shit, where is the guy? Did they get his insurance? Are the police there? Did Tung at least clock the living shit outta this wank?"

"No," responded Tuan. "He left."

"WHAT???!" I screamed. SOMEBODY had to catch a license plate or something! Fuck!! Sue his ass for all the money his family's next seven generations will make in salary!!!"

"Ah-nee.....Ah-nee....it is not like that. We take care of Ngyuen, and that is the way things are....." said Tuan.

I actually started sputtering: "Whaaa.....whaaa.....how.....duh......"

Tuan calmed me down....but still....




My skooter, a 2006 Yamaha Ultimo, I got for 10 million Dong (and can easily dump for 8 million whenever I leave and return home to Portlandia). I routinely get giggles when riding it, as, when I ask why people are laffing, I am told "Such a large man......on such a tiny motorbike." I literally had considered shipping The Helix over here....but bikes of greater than 150cc are not allowed to be driven in Vietnam. Still, though.....I can git the fucker up to 90 Km/h (about 20Km/h above the national speed limit for skooters here).

• Finding my way around Hai Phong fairly quickly.....and I only dragged the GPS out once, on my second day here!

• Went to the Post Office here to fire out a couple of packages to my sister and to HRD. Tam went with me, and thank Christ she did! About five forms strictly in Vietnamese had to be filled out in triplicate for each parcel, and they refused to ship the 375ml bottle of Ha Noi brand rice vodka, made right here in Vietnam (sorry, Sis). One lady who was about 12 months pregnant was helping us, and one of her co-workers and her supervisor were sitting at a desk three feet away from her, chatting about their families and gossiping, as a queue was developing.

Tam assured me (in the same "It's cloudy outside today in Portland" tone of voice) - "Do not panic: They are working as slowly as possible to process your parcel."

I literally dropped to the floor laffing...

"Please do not show happiness....the Postal Staff may mis-interpret this as meaning that you are pleased to be cooperating with them."

I almost pissed myself.....45 minutes later, we were free to leave.

• "Taught" my first few classes this week, and got the hint that one has to be the students friend and almost literally entertain them! This resulted in me looking like I was hosting a game show and acting rather animated and, at one point, standing on top of a desk. The advanced level students stated that I had an "HBO voice" (???!!??) and accused me of being thirty years old.

.....on that note.....



-E-