Monday, April 30, 2007

OK, good....he's asleep, so I'll just jump online here and......

Anyway, where was I?

Oh, OK, right. So the Wankshaft thinks he's going to ride me to a beach house on The Oregon Coast for the weekend, and THEN ride me down Highway 101 all the way down to San Francisco! No, I'm serious....this is what he was going to do.....

So, right...he performs some minor maintenance and then, like I stated in the post below: I'd seen all the shit he wants to cram in my trunk.....I started crying, wishing I was back with the computer geek nerd in Tigard. He'd never do anything like this to me!

And then, during the maintenance....he looks and notices my back tire. Now, please, hear me out: My rear tire had a nice bald patch right down the centre for at least about maybe three or four months, right? Well, again, this was about three or four months ago.

It's not bald now!!

No, please understand that right now, the baldness has been replaced by steel belted cable strands sticking through where the rubber used to be. YET, I still somehow manage to keep this tire inflated.

What does he do?

Shrugs his goddamm shoulders: "Meh! It'll go for one more long ride before I absolutely have to replace that tire!'s still got a few miles left in it."

Oh man....I'm sitting in the garage, just shuddering when he says this! I swear, sometimes when he rides me, I just dream about me being a horse, and I just buck and toss his sorry ass onto the asphalt......but he was 100% correct on that last statement that he made.

And THEN I see what exactly he wants to take with on this haul. Goddamm Kirsty just HAD to give him a cargo net, didn't she? Man, her skooter and I are gonna have words for her doing that!

I mean, look at this! He CAN'T be serious.....right........right......?

No....he was.

I could tell as soon as we hit The Sunset Highway and headed West. Ooooooh man, I really don't like the looks of this. Well, at least it's, like, 70 degrees and sunny out.

So, I'm being ridden at a nice clip, through the rainforest, and up and over the summit of the Coast Mountain Range on Highway 6. OK......fine....

Then I realise: I literally can't hold it anymore. I'm sorry....I can only be pushed so far.....

....I start to slow a bit.....then start to wobble wildly from side to side. Shit, you really should have seen the look of sheer panic and terror on the Wankshaft's face!!! What a total fucking newbie! God, can you imagine if I had actually blown out the rear tire instead?? He woulda needed a new pair of underwear.

My rear tire gave out....about fifteen miles on The Ocean side of the Coast Range summit.

MAN OH MAN: DID, I ask you, DID I predict this, or what??

So, he manages to steer me over to a trailhead gravel parking lot, puts down my kickstand, looks around, tried to figure out what the hell happened, THEN he finally notices my rear tire.

So he furiously tries to ring up Triple A + on his cell phone....but to no avail, and that Injuin is turning as white as an Oregonian by now, as he's just got this total vacant stare on his face....sheer disbelief! I mean, I've heard him brag to friends: "Naw....nope. I LOVE my fossil cell phone. I don't want a new one. Yep, there are very few if any left like it today. It receives signals in THREE DIFFERENT MODES - GSM, TDMA and anitique Analog system!!! I'm never without a signal.....anywhere!! Nah nah nah!!!"

Until now, that is........

You see, for this was in the middle of The Tillamook State Rainforest....and this is in Oregon. So factoring in all of those things together, one realises that Oregon TreeHuggers are NOT really big on the idea of casually allowing several dozen huge cell phone towers in the middle of The Tillamook. This IS Oregon!

Uhhhhh........where there's no cell towers......generally, there's no cell phone signals! Ahhhh......yeah......THAT must be it.....I don't give a damm HOW MANY different frequencies you claim your cell pone can pick up and use!!!! If there's NO towers, there's NO frequencies!

MAN, was it fun just watching that Wankshaft just pace around in a circle just totally clueless and in a total state of denial....oh God, if I just could have reached his really should have seen him, it was priceless.

So he collects himself and tries to hitchhike. Gets a ride to Tillamook, and I don't see him until he returns 2 hours later, with a Triple A flatbed truck!

Oddly enough, there's a Honda Powersports dealer in Tillamook, but they had never heard of a CN250 Helix! They had no clue what the hell I was! After searching on their computers, they did locate my parts chart, but no way in hell did they carry in stock a rear tire that'd fit me....and THAT'D be about five days to get special,Wankshaft spends a weekend in a beach house on The Pacific. Me?? I get to sit in a dark, dank motorcycle repair shop next to dirt bikes. Jesus!

Couple weeks later, Wankshaft remembers that indeed he does own a skooter, catches a bus to Tillamook, grabs me (after one new tire, tire installation, full-fledged tune up and annual once-over later), and runs me in pissing rain through the Coast Range, eighty miles from Tillamook to Portland. Boy, THAT must have sucked for got to, like, 43 degrees still air temperature, and we were moving through rain and wind at 50 - 60 M.P.H.......I'm surprised he wasn't a goddamm popsicle when we finally made it back to Cedar Hills! Hah! Serves him right.....though he claimed that he'd been through worse......

And after this entire nightmare? I get a new rear tire and gentle massaging treatment at the loving hands of Cletus from Tillamook Honda-Polaris (no, seriously, that is his name)....and an apology from the Wankshaft!

And what does that Goddamm Sable get??????? FOUR NEW PIONEER SPEAKERS AND A GODDAMM CD/MP3/iPod/SATELLITE RADIO PLAYER!! Now, HOW the hell's that fair? I'd like to see that goddamm car go through HALF of what I've been through!!!

After all I've been through.....I mean, recap:

My weekend -

Wankshaft's weekend -


I just want to, that I'm fit and at thee top of my game, I'm really, reeeeaaaaallly afraid to see what brilliant idea this idiot has up his sleeve now!


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