Random blatherings...........

.....mellowing as I type this at a really nice cafe I first visited in April 2008 on the edge of Hoan Kiem Lake in Hanoi, smoking a 555 and drinking a Singapore Sling.


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Ya gotta love a shampoo, conditioner, scalp massage, facial scrub and a haircut, all in air-conditioned bliss......all for 50,000 Dong.....

....or, $2.84 USD.


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Was beginning to write this post at home in Hai Phong a week or so ago when, in mid-sentence, I heard the bell clang repeatedly......

......'member the first time that I had heard this bell - it was my second day in Hai Phong. I was living in a classroom at the school that I used to work for.

"Oh...right fucking on!" I exclaimed. I ran and got my Dong and ran outside. "Cool! Man, I could use some Ice Cream right about now...."

Errmmm........no.

It actually was the street-sweeper.

Street-sweepers here are NOT semi-automatic revolving shotguns, nor these tall, squat white slow-moving vehicles with these big-ass brushes on the bottoms of them. Rather they are just what the name implies: They're these women dressed in lime-green industrial coveralls with a hand towel wrapped around their faces who push a cart around and carry a primitive-looking broom who walk around and sweep the streets for part of the day (hence, WHY the Vietnamese litter EVERYWHERE at EVERY AVAILABLE OPPORTUNITY), and, for the other part of the day, they roam the alleys in front of residences ringing a bell to advise people to hand them their trash. There is no set day or set time - they come by my house, like, three times a day or so.....


......for this privilege, I pay the staggering sum of 7,000 Dong per month.


Thass 40 cents to you and I......


.......I still cannot bring myself to litter - to this day, I'll carry something with me when I'm out until I happen across a street sweeper (usually in less than two blocks or three minutes).

This is an incredibly thankless job, and, from what I'm told, The Government pays 'em absolute shit. So, whenever they ring the bell in my alley, if I've got trash, I'll hand it to them and toss in whatever pop and beer bottles and cans that I've got (usually several) 'cause they can cash 'em in. For Tet, I'm gonna toss 'em a tenner inside the customary red Tet gift envelope (A TEN DOLLAR BILL - NOT a 10,000 Dong note).....


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Vietnamese bill payment is yet another bizarre concept that I've encountered. But, much like the street sweepers and the refusal to go to automation, everybody here has to have a job. So, for your Internet, electricity, water, and garbage collection - you don't get a bill in the mail.

Nope not here.

They come by your fucking house in person and collect it! (Well, no - not THEM personally....but their representative....but still.....).

I had first encountered this shortly after I had moved into my new house back in April. I was walking down my alley towards home when I was approached by this old lady walking a bicycle. She handed me something printed offa an antique dot-matrix printer that I couldn't quite understand.....

....Tam was with me, and she snatched the form out of my hands and stated - "Oh. This is your water bill."

I just kinda stood there for, like, three minutes with a Jerry Brown-look on my face.

Finally, I snapped out of it.

"Uhhh....doesn't that come in the mail? I mean.......like, who is this lady? She doesn't even have a water company uniform on, and...."

"What do you mean, 'come in the mail?' I don't understand....."

"Uhhh....well, like, your utility company sends you the bill in the mail, and you either write out a cheque and mail it back to them, or you pay it on their Internet site, OR, if you are feeling particularly ambitious, you go to their office and pay it in person."

"Really?" came the stunned response.

"Really."

"Oh...well...there aren't many people who actually HAVE chequing accounts in Vietnam....and the same with credit cards. And (as I noticed from the number of people who ALWAYS cut in front of me in the checkout line at Metro and think absolutely nothing of it at all) we don't really like queuing at the water company's office, so this way is more convenient for us."

"Errmmm....yeah....I guess that makes sense....just weird, though....."

This works out to be a bit iffy with me, though, 'cause I don't wake up until, like, 10AM at THEE earliest, and then I'm often off traveling somewhere or at school teaching a class or whatever......by contrast, somebody is inside a Vietnamese household about 99.7 percent of the time.

For smaller bills (like 100,000 Dong and below), the bill-collecting bicycle lady will pawn your bill off on a neighbour, who will pay it, then the neighbour will give you the receipt when you get home, and you pay them back.

The first time I had encountered THIS, I was like - "WTF? WHY is the next-door neighbour handing me this dodgy-looking piece of paper and asking me for money???" But, again - it's just how things are done here.

Larger bills (Internet, electrique, etc.), the neighbour is NOT gonna fork over two-or-three hundred thousand Dong and hope to catch up with you shortly in hopes of recovering it. Naw, you is on your own for that one. I found THAT out the hard way when, after allegedly trying to catch me at home for two weeks after my broadband bill was due, they shut off my Internet ONE DAY after FINALLY leaving a note telling me to pay the monthly tab of 388,000 Dong at FPT's central office.

HOWEVER, the next day after FPT shut off my Internet, they came by AGAIN and finally caught up with me. I forked over the buxx and within, like, four hours, my Internet was up and flying again - no re-connect fee or late fees or ANY of that bullshit.....kinda really liked THAT......


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And, on the topic of collecting money, I was on Minh Khai and I had bumped into a Vietnamese friend of mine that I hadn't seen in a couple of weeks. He runs a bit wild and fast, if you know what I mean, and generally is not the sort I'd want to hang out with on a daily basis.

We had sat down at a coffee shop and, over a few Singapore Slings, we were catching up with each other. I had been deathly sick for a few days last week and had been very busy with the school. He was telling me how he was either at MDM or The Sound Club every other night this past week (which are two of the six Hai Phong nightclubs that blare irritating-ass techno-disco bullshit from every corner of the building). This is a lot less impressive than it seems on the surface, since every business in Hai Phong is required by law to shut down by midnight.

We went on, and I was telling him about how I had to turn down an offer to teach a small class at a prominent local school because they really wanted Tam and I to teach two classes a month (on fucking SUNDAY, can you believe it - leaving me essentially TWO days off per month) at 500,000VND for both of us per 90 minute class - three hundred thousand Dong less per class than they were paying now at another English language center (and we are better quality instructors than what they're getting now). Tam was willing to do it simply for the exposure for our school......but I had told Tam to politely explain to them that, on Sunday, we don't even wake up for less than 800,000 Dong.......

My friend also told me his tales of the week, about how a mutual acquaintance of ours was deathly hungover all day today from too much ecstasy and booze from the night before....and he showed me pictures of his daughter on his iPhone, when I had asked him:

"So ______, what is it that you do for a living again?" (because I never really asked him before).

"Oh, I loan money to people" came the reply.

"Oh! So you work for a bank?"

"No....I just personally loan money to people" he explained "and they pay me back with much more money."

"Oooooh.....OK.....gotcha - you're what we in The West call a loan shark."

So I asked him - "So, doesn't that get the police on you? I mean, isn't that not legal here in Viet Nam?"

He mis-understood the question - "Không. WHY would it get the police involved? I mean, they are borrowing money from me, not from the bank...so if they don't pay it back, I will take care of them, not the police......."

"Whaaaa....? I'm sorry, _____: I don't follow......"

"No, I mean, that I and my friends will take care of things if the person I loan money to does not pay me back.....not the police."

"Right right right.....you'll kneecapp 'em....got THAT part....but what is this about the police and banks?"

"I do not understand. Sorry?? 'kneecapp?' What does this mean?"

I then explained to him the time-honoured American tradition of private money lenders taking a 18-inch metal pipe (or other suitable instrument) swiftly and quickly to the knees of the delinquent lendee.

"Vâng! Vâng!" he stated with a very faint smile.....

"Right. And in most Tay nations, what you do for a living is not legal" I explained. "What I am asking you is if what you do is allowed in Viet Nam?"

"I do not understand - the police do not care about me and who I lend to because I am not a bank."

"Right. But what are you talking about?? I mean, do the police care who the banks lend to? Now I don't understand......"

"What?? Of course the police care about who the banks lend money to."

"Huh? Why??"

"Because if the person who get money from bank does not pay bank back, the police have to know where that person is to find them."

My drink almost fell out of my hand.

"GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!! Are you serious??"

"Of course. So they do not care at all about me.....so, I give person money, they don't pay me back, me and friends find them, not the police. So bank give someone 50 million Dong, that person pay bank 60 million Dong. I give someone 50 million Dong, that person pay me 85 million Dong."

"No shit? Wow.....you see, in America - you borrow money from the bank, and do not pay it back, then the bank says bad things about you to others on your TRW. Then, the next time you need money, and you go to borrow from another bank, the other bank will not give you any money because you did not pay the first bank back."

"What is the 'TRW'?"

"It's kinda like our version of your National Identity Card......."

(ed. note - from what I understand, the police take a sweet kickback for providing this "service" to the banks)


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I was walking down my alley last week when I had caught, out of the corner of my eye, a rather weird looking fellow. Not weird-looking at all to me, but he looked like he didn't quite fit in with the surroundings and people in my alley....exception being that he wore the older Vietnamese male costume of a white wife-beater tank top and a pair of light blue boxer shorts.......but, wait - something was weird.....did a double-take and finally figgered it out......

....riiiiiiggggght! Right. He didn't LOOK Vietnamese.

I clenched my fists and locked my teeth and spat! What the fuck was THIS??!?

Basically, I do NOT live on Minh Khai (thee place where Hai Phong's twenty or so Westerners live and hang out at), and my alley (pictured below) is a bit hidden and about as non-Tay as they get....and, Goddammit, i LIKE it that way! These are MY Vietnamese.....and I AIN'T gonna share them wiff another Cracker!
















My alley - facing East - my house is the pink one next to the bookstore and across the alley from the tarp-shelter covering the pain-in-the-ass tea shop where the unemployed guys sit and hang out and bullshit all day literally four feet from my front door...

















Same alley - facing West.....


I mean, I'm sorry, but I am a strict adherent to number 71 on the list! I mean, Christ - WHY do you think I always eat at Chinatown restaurant on Murray and Walker in Cedar Mill (besides the simple fact that the food KICKS ASS)??

Found out later that this guy's name is Eric and was a buddy of my friend Finchy. Met Finchy out for pints one day, and Eric was there. Really nice guy, actually.....but he said that he'd be heading back to New Zealand soon forra while, possibly for good.......

....fine by me - now, can I please have MY alley back???

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Hadta (once again) escape the skull-crushing boredom that is Hai Phong , so I woke up one morning a couple weekends ago and decided to piss off somewhere.....but where?

Hanoi? Naw...been there too many times....no it too well....

Cat Ba Island? Naw....got this fear of accidentally jumping on the slow boat again.

Bai Chay? Nope - was just there with Tam recently.....

Ho Chi Minh City? And what? Hop on a plane for a trip lasting a day-and-a-half? Don't think so....and besides - too many Crackas there.

Well, shit: Where, then?

Time to grab the Vietnam road atlas.

All right - so, I look down the coast for some place that has a little beach-umbrella-and-sunbather icon on it (indicating a beach of some sort....though the quality of these beaches varies greatly). Figuring that wherever I pick cannot be more than 160 kilometres from Hai Phong (again, got, like, a day and a half to spend away from Hai Phong - so, realistically, it'd be maybe a three-hour ride at most), I notice this one site on the map in small print called Thinh Long.

"Damm, that looks kinda out there" I figured to myself. But I figured, since I'd been to Hanoi and Ho Chi Minh City enough times, and I reside in Hai Phong, that it would be a good time to finally see The Provinces.

The Provinces are basically considered to be ANY AREA outside of Ho Chi Minh City, Hanoi, Hai Phong, Da Nang or Cần Thơ. In America, The Provinces would be called "The Sticks", "B.F.E." or "Wyoming."

So, analyzed the atlas, figured that I'm not looking at more than three hours each way riding hopped on the scooter and took off South.

No worries! Hey....should be 5/8th of the way there when I hit the City of Nam Dinh....cool.

Well, thass when the worries began.

For starters, the road atlases of Vietnam don't have blown-up pictures in the corners of the pages showing a city IN GREATER DETAIL (like Western atlases do). Add to this the fact that in Nam Dinh, a city of about 200,000 inhabitants, there are DEAD-FUCKING-ZERO signs indicating what street you're on OR the direction to other nearby towns and cities. Well, that's OK....the locals know where they're going....no need for signs of any sort!

Moreover, this city has a drainage system that removed water from the streets of the city after a 60-minute downpour about as well as the Yugo provided reliable, safe transportation. So this resulted in several detours.

90 minutes later, I gave up, pulled my GPS out of my backpack, turned on the compass feature, and, ten minutes after that, I was headed out of the city going southbound.

OK....so, I hop on to the road going towards Thinh Long. The atlas showed the road from Nam Dinh to Thinh Long as a secondary road. Now, what the atlas shows as primary roads are the ones that I take from Hai Phong to Bai Chay, Hanoi, etc. and have no worries on.

Cool....so, based on that hypothesis, the secondary roads would maybe be equilivent to Route 5 from Clarence to Batavia, or Highway 6 from Banks to Tillamook. Cool.....

As Bender said in The Breakfast Club - "Not even close, Bud!"

Only half of the distance to Thinh Long was paved (and I use the term "paved" veeerrrry loosely, as there were potholes that would swallow a car in places on this thing). The width of this road was such that two cars going in opposite directions would take about 35 seconds to pass each other. When a bus was coming at you, you basically pulled your bike off the road into the rice paddy so that the bus could pass.
















I was warned in Nam Dinh NOT to take the road to Thinh Long....as there could be Viet Cong guerrillas behind any bush lying in wait to ambush me.

The remaining 50% percent of the road to Thinh Long was basically ungraded dirt and some gravel.....ALWAYS a treat to ride on.
















Two bicyclists on the road towards Thinh Long.....

It was 110 kilometres from Hai Phong to Nam Dinh, and fifty kilometres from Nam Dinh to Thinh Long.....NOT counting time spent getting lost in Nam Dinh, it took two hours to get from Hai Phong to Nam Dinh.......and two hours getting from Nam Dinh to Thinh Long.

Made it to Thinh Long......
















The skooter on the outskirts of town as I approach Tinh Long........

.....didn't know WHAT to expect. Figuring that it was the only beach for miles, there would prolly be a fair amount of activity around this town.

Ahhhh.......no.

It was bizarre - a lot of these folks had never seen a Tay (foreigner) before, and as I rode my skooter down the beachfront promenade (where there is a string of, like, forty hotels and restaurants), people sitting out front were literally almost attacking me - "Khong, Khong! ở lại đây....tốt hotel, tốt hotel" ("No, no!! Stay HERE....nice hotel, nice hotel").

Judging by the severe lack of people about, and the desperation of innkeepers for me to lodge at their establishments, it looked like I was not only the first Tay that they had seen in a long time....but also the first tourist!

Beach was decent....not Oregon standard by any stretch......but I'd say equivalent to Bai Chay and a LOT cleaner than Doson. Still, like any place in Vietnam (or Southeast Asia, for that matter) that attracts tourists (or, in this case, that THINKS that it will attract tourists), there were hookers. BUT they weren't out and openly about like in Doson.

I had discovered just WHERE the hookers were by quite an embarrassing misunderstanding. I had just gotten back to my hotel around 9:30pm from walking the promenade and sitting on the beach after a late dinner. I had noticed that my skooter wasn't out front where I had parked it. I had used the grunt-and-point to the hotel manager/check-in guy/whatever person to ask him what's up with my skooter. He then replied something back to me and showed two fingers and I THOUGHT (with my absolutely piss-poor understanding of the Vietnamese language) I understood him to say something like "We got you're skooter inside and it's twenty thousand Dong for parking it inside" (which is standard in Vietnam). To this, I stupidly nodded my head and gave the thumbs-up sign.

Well, ten minutes later.....imagine my surprise when a scantily clad girl knocks at my door and walks in and starts rubbing my Dong.

Oooooh........Oooooooh.....OK - NOW I get it - he was telling me that, for two hundred thousand Dong, I could have a girl sent up to my room......ahhh.....right.......

So, thee only way to get rid of this girl was to shrug my shoulders and pull out my pockets and try to explain in my horseshit grasp of the Vietnamese language that I haf no money.....

....this worked, but not before she used her version of the grunt-and-point and pointed to her cell fone and wrote down her number on a piece of paper, and pointed at me and made a fone-call gesture with her hand and her ear.

I told her - "Sure thing, Babe....give ya a shout next time I'm in town."

What was creepy though was that, the next morning, for some bizarre reason, I had actually gotten up rather early and had walked down to the first floor lobby. Walking out of a first-floor hotel room right by the lobby, stretching her arms and yawning, was that same girl. Putting one-and-one together and knowing that it wasn't a guest's room because I was thee only guest in that hotel [and prolly in the entire town] that night, I had figured that when she gets a John, the hotel takes a big fat chunk out of that 200,000 Dong and leaves her a little bit and gives her food and lodging. And someone else probably owns the restaurant in the hotel, and for every 100,000 Dong meal, the restaurant operator probably give the hotel owner a nice piece of that for having a place to do business and for providing a kitchen and dining area.

Wow....talk about providing in-house services......


Thinh Long was a fascinating place. It's like a ghost town just waiting for the tourists to show up! I mean, the Karaoke bar-cafe-restaurant-hotel room to residents ratio is like 2:1! And this was early September!! Prime season, so it wasn't like I showed up in February and wondered where all the tourists went.
















The empty street right near the beach promenade....cafes, Karaoke places and broken dreams in early September.....


















One of the main streets of Thinh Long.....


















Rush hour on the high street of Thinh Long......


















What appeared to be a wonderful restaurant serving such delicacies such as gà, mèo, thỏ, and that ever-popular favourite, chó (I'll let you figger out just what the hell those are).....but, sadly, I just wasn't that hungry.....


But, shit - some decent advertising and infrastructure improvements (like that Goddamm road from Nam Dinh) and who knows?

Actually....naw.....leave it the way it is.....I kinda like it this way......


-E-

Right - so where was me again.....?

Right.....made it back to The States.

So, I had determined that, given the wonderful economic climate not only at my home base in Ora-gaaan, but also EVERYWHERE , it'd be best to hang in Hai Phong forra while and see where this opportunity takes me.

So, went back to America for seven weeks during June and July. Literally busted my ass trying to coax somebody to come over here to cover for me at my school as a E.S.L. instructor from a native English-speaking country, but no dice.

I had offered that they teach for nine hours a week at my school free of charge to me. In return, they'd get my entire house rent-free, use of my Broadband Internet at no charge, use of MY SKOOTER free of charge, and they just hadta pay the electric, water and garbage bills (at a whopping $15USD a month)! Plus they would word an additional three hours a week where they worked in private tutoring and earned 250,000 Dong ($15USD) per hour for that! A fair chunk of change here.....

Was a bit bummed - because of the economic depression, I thought that SOMEBODY.....ANYBODY.....would grab this chance.

Nada nada enchilada!

I mean, I COULD obviously understand people with kids and shit like that....or those lucky enuff to have an actual JOB, and possibly understand those who own a house AND a mortgage on it.....but that weeded out everybody except for about a dozen, non-spawning, non-house-owning, non-employed people.......

......I guess that they felt safer and more financially and emotionally secure in an economic depression home in The States then they did running 12 time zones away for a summer in Vietnam teaching English.

Aw well....

Kinda sucked because, at the 11th hour, my buddy Finchy (that's not his real name, but he kinda looks and slightly acts like Chris Finch from The Office television programme back in 2004, sooo.....) hooked me up wiff an American E.S.L. teacher named Dave from the desert SouthWest who did an amazing job in my absence! Many thanx and kudos to Dave....thanx for having my back!

Sad part was, that after I had committed to Dave (like, LITERALLY two days before my flight left for The States), a few people E-Mailed and Facebooked me: "Hey....uhhh....E?? IS that offer to teach for the summer at your school for nine hours a week and live in your house for free still open??"

Christ, talk about lousy timing!!!

So, ran back to The States, got lucky and caught up with pretty much 90% of my closest friends (some of whom made journeys of several hundred miles to meet all together in Buffalo), and hung out and enjoyed the hospitality and company of some friends I had not seen in a long-ass time (Go-Go = since 1993......Dino = since 1990....Big Mo = since 1988....Rico = a dog's age), hadta forfeit all of my shit in a storage unit (TRIED to sell it ALL TOTALLY on the condition that, for $85, you clear it ALL outta the unit - people came back and stated - "uhhh......I'll pick this and that piece and...." but nobody took it all, so I left it be to the storage guys to dispose of), and had some great times with my family (both, nuclear and extended)!

DID a lot of events that were critical to me - The Chugwater Chili Cook-off, a trip to Rockaway Beach, Oregon.....sadly missed a couple of others - GayDay in Buffalo and watching the Colorado Rockies at Coors Field.

Loaded up on essentials that I badly needed (hippie soap from Portland, Oregon......a GALLON of Frank's Red Hot [Tam is now LITERALLY addicted to Frank's], cumin powder, chili powder from the American Southwest, Gilette Fusion razors, Arm and Hammer toofpaste, and a buncha other stuff). I DID buy two cartons of Export A Greens from Duty Free going into Canada.....but I smoked 'em all in the seven weeks that I was in The States...............really shoulda planned THAT better.....


So....here I am....back in Hai Phong.......co-owning a tiny English Language school and just hangin'.....livin' the dream......


Assorted ramblings coming up next week.


-E-

Oh, and P.S. - I probably WILL need someone to cover for me at our school NEXT summer......same offer will probably apply.....keep it in mind if the economic depression is still lingering about during that time.....

Oh, and P.P.S. - I was elated to hear that BOTH, Trent and T.O. said that they have NO WORRIES about The Bills offence this season! Good.....

.....that'll break the string of three consecutive seasons of a 7-9 record......

....because THIS season??

The Bills are going 5-11.....

....mark my words on that.

Terrell Owens once said.......

.......about himself that, when he goes out on the football field, you should “Get yer popcorn ready, ‘cause I’m gonna put on a show!!”

Well, when I go out wiff my camera, I’m saying get your scrapbooks ready, ’cause you don’t know WHAT the fuck I’m gonna shoot……

……and, now, this week – I hadta get some sort of security clearance criminal background check for my job to prove that I’m not a threat to life, liberty, and the pursuit of Vietnam-ness…..

….Tam suggested that, in order to help facilitate this, we pay a visit to an old drinking buddy of mine -




Yep - That'd be The Captain and myself.....


Waaaaaai......waaaaaay a sec: "Background check for your job??" I thought you already HAD a job?? Huh....?


OK.....OK....less back up a bit here.

Right, so, shortly before I had moved into my new house, circa mid-April, I had been working for the past three months at the Dang Tuan Language Center. It was fun, enjoyable, and I really enjoyed teaching my students Tieng Anh (English)!

After a while, though, there became more and more disagreements about things and issues that were previously agreed upon, and much tension was in the air. Around the middle of April, it became intolerable, and I had felt that it would be best for ALL parties that I no longer continue my employment there, so I handed in my resignation letter, giving a full month's notice before my last teaching date.

I was summoned in to a meeting the next day with Mr. Tuan. There, he and the former school coordinator, had told me that they felt that it was in the school's best interest that I be terminated immediately. I was slightly surprised, but not deeply saddened. I enjoyed my job, it was just that we didn't see eye-to-eye on several issues. I was immediately paid my correct final salary and I was about to leave, when Mr. Tuan and the former coordinator went to shake my hand! I shook hands and smiled. Then, we had a foto shoot, where there were smiles all around. It was certainly thee strangest firing I had attended, but we gave final firm handshakes, and I left. We had went separate ways on very good terms.......

......or so I thought!

Anyways, Tam had handed in HER resignation notice two months earlier and she had been canned the next day (but I don't think that she got the happy ending at HER firing ceremony that I got). So she was in the process of opening her own English Language school, and had asked me if I would come and work there!

Now, I had NO plans after the canning, and I HAD thought about hopping off to Ha Noi, Da Nang, or another town in Viet Nam and going on my merry way there. But I decided to stick around Hai Phong, having just signed a lease on a house and also having accumulated much rubbish (read: Material possessions) and I really didn't feel like hauling them all over Viet Nam nor trying to sell them after just buying them.....so I took the job.

Since my B-3 Business Visa was gonna expire in July, and with the end of the U.S. economic depression NOWHERE in sight for the foreseeable future, I had decided to spend seven weeks back in The States to finalise my affairs and say my goodbyes as I planned on being in Viet Nam for at least 18 months at the minimum.....probably two years, and maybe longer!

It was sometime in the middle of my stay in America (maybe early-mid July) when The Calls came......

.......

.....Tam was calling, explaining to me that some police guy was calling her, and strong-arming her for money, because it had been reported by Tuan to the Authorities that our school had lacked the proper paperwork to operate as a school.

"Errrmmm......Tam?? What THE FUCK is this all about????"

Apparently, to make a long story short - somebody had posted an article, written a blog, or something like that, about Tuan's school. This piece had been taken down before I got a chance to read it, but the gist that I was told about it was that it encouraged foreogn teachers to stay away from there because he rips them off.

So, because Tuan thought that I wrote this piece, and that, because Tam was close to me - he would start sending the Authorities after her school.

Needless to say - this pissed me off to NO end, and I was gonna jump thee next plane to Hai Phong and contact certain well-placed Government friends of mine and have HIS school investigated for several operating violations - but a few friends of mine pleaded with me and talked me out of it.......

WHY he picked ME as writing this thing, I'll never know - apparently, he doesn't realise that he has more than a few disgruntled former employees.....I wouldn't even say that I was a disgruntled employee - Tuan and I just didn't agree on certain things and that was it!!

....still, though, we paid off the bribes, and did all of the paperwork, and now we're legit. And apparently Tuan heard that I was back in town and that I was VERY angry and suddenly, the uninvited visits from the police and the Hai Phong Department of Education and training stopped.

Fine by me - if he stops bothering my school....I won't bother his....and we'll all be happy......

....still, though, I can't help but to feel a bit betrayed! I mean, I was under the impression that we had parted ways on good terms...and THEN he goes and accuses me of THIS? Whatever.....



BUT, whilst I was in The States, Tam did a great job with her school, QUADRUPLED enrollment from 25 to 100-plus in eight weeks, and basically busted her ass making things work - mega kudos to her for that!

www.ETEnglishcenter.com

But things almost got out of hand with the fast growth - we've had to hire staff, take in greater revenue, pay out greater expenses......just been keeping me reeeeaaallllly busy even since I got off of the plane here in Hai Phong a few weeks ago.......so, yeah, it's a bit crazy! I'm very busy.....I have no time to play games with a little man like Tuan.....

.....still, though - I wish I had seen that web page before it got taken down....probably woulda been good forra chuckle!

-E-

WHERE was me, again....?

Right - took a long-ass break to head back to The States......and, before that, I was talking about....

....CAPTAIN BRIBE!

Right, so, let's go back in time and finish up what had happened before I left for North America.....

....today, we are gonna talk about the delicacies available in Vietnam.

Now, I am NOT what one would call an "adventurous eater" (though, I HAVE dined at Mighty Taco a few times in the past), and, actually, I am very picky about what I like to eat. Needless to say, in terms of food, I shoulda went to another country.

No, I AM NOT criticizing Vietnamese food....but....honestly.....errrmmm....it's just not for me! I mean, yeah, I can eat rice and noodles and the WONDERFUL bread that they bake here (a sort of left-over cultural effect from the French colonial days), and, of course, the Phố Bà, but everything else....errrmmmm....doesn't really appeal to me - again: I'M A PICKY EATER!!! I'm not even huge on AMERICANISED Vietnamese food, like in restaurants in Portland......

So, I had discovered a Western restaurant on Minh Khai called "Texas Bar-B-Que". It does ribs OK (NOT great, but edible), good garlic bread, decent spaghetti, GREAT apple crumble, and horrible pizza and chili. But I had seen on their menu one of my all-time favourites: cánh gà or, "Wing of Chicken".......

....allright - THIS should be good forra laff, I thought to myself.

Well, it wasn't a laffing matter - the wings had not been left to deep fry in the oil long enuff, and the sauce was basically Tabasco sauce.

It brought me much dishonour, being from Western New York an' all.....

PLUS, they hit you fiddy-thousand Dong for FOUR WINGS!!! That's, like, seventy-five cents per wing! In Hai Phong, that is VEERRRRY much on the pricey side.....

....so whass an estranged Buffaloian to do?

Do what all estranged Buffaloians shoulda done before they left: Take matters into my own hands!

So, I went to one of the two hypermarkets in town (Metro - Big C is the other), and found cánh gà in the meats section (but they were still together - like they serve 'em in the Southern U.S. - ya gotta cut them through the bones into wing SECTIONS to make them authentic), found cooking oil, and actually found (I couldn't believe this) a deep-fat fryer!

Well, I AM ABSOLUTELY NOT going to tarnish my wings with Tabasco sauce.....and there ain't no Frank's here, so I figgered, for the sauce, that I hadta improvise.

There's a little shack (literally, it IS very small and shack-like) just offa Broadway on W. 1st Avenue in Denver called "Hot Wings To Go". Now, this place is very unassuming, and does NOT go out and advertise and scream "WE MAKE THEE BEST BUFFALO WINGS ANYWHERE!!!" or any rubbish like that.

But they DO make good wings....

......so, amongst their four or five varieties of wing sauce flavours, there is a flavour called "Singapore Hot"....which is this weird, spicy, hot, tangy, sour, salty kind of sauce that I had tried and absolutely fell in love with!

Over the years whilst residing in Denver, I was actually able to replicate this sauce, and make it a teeny bit tastier than the original. So, since I'm a lot closer to Singapore right now than Hot Wings To Go is, I figured that I could scrounge up the needed ingredients here at Metro hypermarket and a few beakers and test tubes, and away I went!!!

I needed guinea pigs, though. I mean, this was the first time I had attempted to make wings on foreign soil, using ONLY locally available ingredients....so I hadta try 'em out on somebody.

So I called the family I used to live with and asked 'em if I could make them lunch. They were willing participants, and away I went over to my old house, with my deep-fat-fryer, and all the sauce ingredients in tow on my skooter.....



(no, the over-sized Vietnamese grapefruit was NOT part of the ingredients, but they are reeeaaallly good, and they may yet become part of the ingredients of this sauce in the future)






















Hang cutting the wings.......

Soooo.....I fried 'em up, blended the sauce. I was scared - I mean, these folks had never had chicken wings the way that we are used to 'em......so I didn't know WHAT to expect! But they got a nice reception! Cuong (the father of the family I had resided with) brought in some beer, and I proclaimed "THIS is the food of my people....."



























Apparently, they got SUCH a nice reception from my Vietnamese family, that I had been asked to come back as soon as possible and make them AGAIN! Was a bit busy, but I promised them that I'd be back in a coupla weeks to make my cánh gà again for them. I was very honoured by the compliments that I had received from Ngoc, Hang and Cuong about my wings....

....So, my buddy Suzanne was having a house party the next week, and it was a sort of potluck dinner. So, I had decided to try my wings out on Hai Phong's miniscule Foreigner population.....THIS should be an interesting response, I figgered.....

.....well.....didn't hafta figger TOO long.....

.....thirty wings got inhaled by six Tay in LITERALLY a matter of three minutes.

Emmmmm-Kay.....

DID make it back a few weeks later to my old house, and served Cuong, Hang and Ngoc another batch of my wings.....

...apparently, expressing their delight with these wings wasn't good enough for them.....

....they got placed at the Altar of the Ancestors.....

























Literally, I nearly shit myself! I mean, I know my wings are GOOD, but, Christ, to be placed at a family's altar?? I was speechless and dumbfounded......I mean, I didn't know what to say......

...probably the most important honour I have received in my entire life.....especially considering that Hang's a DEVOUT Buddist (chants every other morning and such), and that things don't just get dropped at the family altar willy-nilly.....

Brought back over a gallon of actual Frank's Red Hot with me from Buffalo.......

....the ancestors must be licking their chops now.



Few more stories.....this time, about a trip to a private island, and a change in employment (which, pretty much everyone already knows about by now) coming up within the next week.....

...really....within one week...this time I mean it!!!


-E-

No, this blog has NOT been abandoned......

Don't ask - LOTSA stories....lotsa new stuff......gimme a few days - this WILL be updated before the middle of next week (OK - Before August 6th)!


-E-

We'll continue.....

....with some new twists and turns in my Hai Phong experience in a bit.

Right now, I'm sitting down at a sidewalk bar in Saigon (Ho Chi Minh City), sipping several pina coladas.....and I should actually be sleeping now as I have a 6AM flight to Buffalo to catch, but still....

Yep!

Yeah.....I is here for the longer haul. Coming back to The States to finalise my affairs and tie up loose ends.

Dates of the E Farewell Tour -

June 10th - June 16th: Buffalo, New York

June 16th - June 23rd: Denver, Colorado and Rapid City, South Dakota (with stops in Chugwater and Cheyenne, Wyoming)

June 23rd - July 2nd: Portland, Oregon

July 2nd - July 5th, New York City, New York

July 5th - July 19th: Buffalo, New York

July 19th - July 22nd: Memphis, Tennessee and Tunica, Mississippi

July 25th: End of tour party - Hai Phong, Vietnam


REALLY hope to see ya......it'll be the last time I'll be StateSide for at least the next year....maybe longer!!

-E-

So where was me.....?

Right, after Pattaya, Thailand.....

OK, so here go the random blatherings...

Death and.....

Tried to do my taxes online a couple months ago. With V.N.P.T.'s lovely Internet connection, it woulda taken HALF the time had I processed them and filed them over a two-tin-cups-and-a-string Internet connection!

Buncha new things.....

As much as I love my Vietnamese Family and despite how much they worry about me, it really was time for me to move out. Naw, even though my huge-ass bedroom was expensive (and probably overpriced) by Vietnamese standards (2,000,000 Dong per month), it still was a sweet deal with food, Internet, electrique, water, cleaning and laundry service all thrown in the deal!

But, there's something a bit disturbing when ya gotta call your Vietnamese Family when you're at the front door at 12:30am after a night at a cafe drinking several pints with friends so they can let you in. This is simply because The Vietnamese WILL steal ANYTHING that is not bolted down and protected by at least three locks!

Say that I am generalising and stereotyping......then come here and see for yourself!

On the other hand, there is absolutely dead zero VIOLENT crime here. No murders, rapes, muggings, armed robbery, etc.

Literally. None.....

But I'm going off on a tangent here.

But anyways, because of the rampant theft in Vietnam, it was an INTERIOR lock, so either Hang or Ngoc hadta come downstairs and let my sorry half-in-the-bag ass inside. They kept swearing left right and center about how this WAS NOT a problem, but I really didn't feel good about waking ANYBODY up (the Vietnamese generally go to bed before 10pm and wake up when the roosters start crowing....like 6AM-ish or earlier) on a consistent basis.....

....plus, I mean, I'm a North American: We demand our privacy and our own private space (this absolutely baffles the Vietnamese.....who carry NO such concept, nor are they even familiar with it).

So, after a little bit of looking, I found a palace in a bit of a dodgy neighbourhood for 3,000,000VND a month. Two bedrooms, two bathrooms, a balcony and four stories high. Saw it, and was immediately adamant about it! This IS the place.....this IS thee house.

Cool. So we were gonna draw up a six-month lease and be all set. THEN there was the police fee.

What the fuck's a "police fee"???

Well, this is where your landlord goes to the local police, gives them a photocopy of your passport, two passport-sized fotograffs, and all of your information, along with a Dong note in a little white envelope ranging anywhere from 200,000 to 700,000.

If the person who owns the house does nothing with their property or properties but rent them, then they generally have a pretty good "relationship" with the local constabulary and, thusly, your "police fee" is going to be around the 200,000 Dong range.

Problem is - MY house is owned by this guy who's elderly mother, a widow, lived in alone until he talked her to moving into his house. THESE folks have never so much as rented a bicycle before....much less a house. So, they had no idea even who or what the police were!

Told me - "You're on your own with the police files and fee....."

Oh....great.

So my friend's landlord calls Tam and says that she knows the Head of the Le Chan section of the Hai Phong police (basically equivalent to a District Commander or a Precinct Captain, and Le Chan is the district [it is the central downtown district of Hai Phong, actually] that I reside in and have resided in even since I got to Hai Phong) and we could meet with him and see what is what!

Well.....thass just what we did.

THIS guy was unreal - he had a picture of himself in his police dress uniform on his wallpaper on his CELL PHONE....man, I can just picture Clint Eastwood: "You're a legend in your own mind......"

So we had a nice introductory meeting, and he tells us to come back tomorrow. Tam and my friend's landlord both suggest to me as we are driving out of the Police Station that when we come back tomorrow, it would be advised to buy two envelopes and make certain that there is a 500,000 Dong note in each of them.....

So we go back to the Police Station the next day, I reach out and grab the guy's hand and say, in my most normal voice: "Captain Bribe!! How the hell are you??"

He smiles and says something in Vietnamese in his most normal voice...probably "Whazzup, Stupid Tay! Great to see you again! Look forward to milking you for all ya got. So, how much do you REALLY like that house?"

So...we all chat forra bit (well, not me, but my friend's landlord, Tam and Captain Bribe do), and then Tam slides him the two while envelopes along with two 1"X2" passport pics and some fotocopies and The Captain deftly crams them underneath some paperwork that is burying his desk. Talk a bit more, and then we are outta there.

In the parking lot - "Well. that didn't go so badly" I say.

"Yes, but he would like to see us at a cafe tomorrow" says Tam.

"Oh, OK, cool. What time?"

"No, no - not you. Just us two."

"Whaaa....the fucks THIS all about? I mean, Captain Bribe got his Dong!! No need to be a Dong about it and try to hit on my girlfriend as well."

"No....ahhh....certain things are done and discussed and it's....uhhh....best that you, as a Tay, not be around to witness them...."

WTF???

Well, the next morning Tam called me because my friend's landlord was deathly ill and Tam's mother stole her motorbike to go and play badminton that morning. So I got pressed into duty to give her a ride to meet Captain Bribe.

Well, we met him, but it wasn't at a cafe....it was more at this, like, Tiki-themed seafood restaurant thing. OK, so he introduces us to a couple of friends of his that he was with and he sits us down and tosses us a couple of beers and tells us to have at it and maul the appetizers on the table!

Cool, so we're sitting there hanging for a bit, then a couple more of Captain Bribe's friends join us at the table. And a few more ice-cold pints of Bia Ha Noi appeared before my eyes (and my mouth).

"Oh, well....this is nice" I stated to Tam.

"It should be - it's on your tab" she stated back mechanically.

"Suck what again?" I asked her.

"This would be the second part of the Police Fee" Tam explained. "You see, this is the standard procedure."

"What the fuck?? STANDARD PROCEDURE?? Waaaaai.....waaaai a sec here: Now, could you please tell me again WHAT EXACTLY is Captain Bribe doing for me where I hadta slip him 500,000 Dong notes in plain white envelopes?"

"Errmmm.....Hon? This is the 'back door route" and the way it works is....."

"Yeah....actually, now that you mention it, I DO feel like I'm getting anally raped! Christ, hate to see the 'FRONT door route' in that case...."

" 'Front door official route'? That is several weeks of waiting time and a few million Dong more money than this" responded Tam.

(Insert TOTAL FUCKING Jerry Brown Look on my face here)

Then, after I slowly start to get over just how totally fucking bizarre this entire spectacle actually is, I see a few MORE guys coming up to the table and joining us.

"Wow - Captain Bribe sure has a lot of friends" I mention to Tam.

"These aren't his friends - they are all members of the Le Chan District of the Hai Phong Police"

(Second in a series of several Jerry Brown Looks here)

Well, looked like things were winding down, and the french fries and shrimp and beers seemed to be done......

"Oh, well, Hon...let's tab this out and get going. We have work to do at school....."

"Oh! No....no....you can't leave."

"Errmmm.....seyz who?"

"No, hon....you have to wait until they leave."

(Jerry Brown Look again here)

"Man! Jesus....talk about straight outta a Kafka novel....."

"Who is Kafka?"

"Never mind."

After about five minutes of little conversation, I stretched and yawned.

No dice. Out of the corner of my eye, I see two portable gas burners being brought to the table and two pots of water.....

....followed by two enormous-ass plates of various types of seafood.

.....yep.....

.....dual seafood hot-pots.

Then, more ice-cold pints of Bia Ha Noi started appearing.....and, somehow, two bottles of Hanoi brand vodka magically showed up at our table.

I mentally calculated the tab, and had visions of two 500,000 Dong notes growing wings and flying away out of my wallet....and I was stuck there, forced to watch it all!

Kinda like what it must be like for those people you hear about who are undergoing surgery, and the anesthesiologist was hungover that day and he gives the patient JUST BARELY ENOUGH anesthesia to remove about 75% of the sensation of pain, but not the total, correct amount of anesthesia that would put the patient totally to sleep.....so you are watching yourself literally be cut open, yet you CANNOT scream or even say anything. Because of the anesthesia, you are physically unable to!

Well, fuck that - if I'm gonna get nicked, I wanna be good an' numb while it's going on....so these cops kept inviting me to do vodka shots with them, and chug pints of bia! After a while, one cop who took a particular liking to me had me do shots with him and he started instigating some sort of elbow-forearm locking shot drinking game where the object was to knock the other guy until he wobbles or some shit like that. I had stated "Khong! Khong!" (No! NO!) to this, but they would not hear of it. So, after putting up a VERY realistic-looking fight, I gave up and teetered and bowed my head in shame.......

.....I mean, I had 8 inches and about 25 kilograms on the guy....but, Jesus, I'm NOT stupid....plus, this guy was starting to colour badly. What I mean by that is that ALL Vietnamese turn the colour of a bright red tomato after about three beers, or two mixed cocktails, or one shot. I'd seen it here enough times, and I'd seen it amongst my Viet-Kieu friends back home in Portland. They're NOT huge drinkers here.....

Afterwards, Tam told me that it was a good thing that I had lost, as it is not a good idea to win as it will cause the defeated policeman much loss of face in front of his fellow officers.

Naaaaw....YA THINK??

Later on, I said to Tam (this was about 11:00AM) - "Wow, these guys sure know how to kick back after a hard days work."

"I do not understand" replied Tam

"I mean, their day is done....hey, duling hot-pots, beer and vodka! Whee-Haw!!!"

"I do not understand. 'Day is done'? Does that mean they go home now?"

"Vang (yes)...."

"Uhhh....they do not go home."

"Oh well, cool.....then, after we leave, maybe they go out and drink some more or something."

"Khong. They go back to work."

"Ahaaa...A-hahahahah! Thass a good one, Hon."

"What do you mean....'That is a good one'.....a good what?"

"A good joke."

"I do not understand. What is a joke?"

"That these guys are going back to the precinct to go back to work! Hell...half 'of 'em can barely walk...much less catch a criminal."

Tam in mechanical voice - "What are you talking about? Of COURSE they are going back to work. Do you not see? This is lunchtime!!"

"Ah, Hon? if anybody lights a match near these guys....all of Le Chan will go up in flames.....their combined breath could run a top-fuel dragster!! They're NOT going back to the Police Station."

"It is OK, My Love....do not panic or spend too much worry on them!! For you see, these men have safe jobs. They sit at the desks all day and collect bribes from the people."

"Shit..." I thought to myself in my alcoholic haze. "Really??? What the hell am I doing teaching English?? Where do I sign up for THIS???"


Anyways, we made up some excuse about an "emergency at the school" or some bullshit like that (Tam's mother called her cell, and Tam totally confused her mother and started screaming loudly [in Vietnamese] - "WHAT happened at the school??? There was a small fire? What the
HELL are you talking about?? Is it put out?? etc. etc.") and got us the hell outta there.

The damage to my wallet wasn't totally fatal = 700,000 Dong!

Last I had heard, Captain Bribe phoned Tam two weeks later saying how much all of his men just thought I was the bees knees!! And proceeded to invite ME (where, like, HE pays) out for pints......

Took him up on that offer, but said I'm really busy (and, yeah, I actually was)....but told him that I DO wanna have drinks with Captain Bribe and Captain Bribe alone......and I'll toss for it....

Normally, I absolutely abhor this shit to the ninth degree!! But given that I am in a nation with no known laws, it's ALWAYS a good idea to have a Captain Bribe on your cell phone's speed dial for in case the shit (whatever sort of shit that may be) comes down!

It's kinda like Buffalo....only SLIGHTLY more overt here about how things get done...and if I get caught bribing them here, my name doesn't go on the front page of the Buffalo News (or whatever the fuck the Hai Phong daily paper is called)!



Next blather - Canh Ga, employment and an entirely new and bizarre direction (complete with pictures for the attention-span-challenged)!


-E-