Tried a new beach this weekend.....

Got tired of Do Son. The water really isn't that clean-looking, and the place has too many hookers in it for my liking. So, bought a ticket on a hydrofoil going from Hai Phong to Cat Ba Island, or at least I THOUGHT I did.....

I was under the impression that this jetfoil would blow outta Hai Phong Harbour and shoot me straight in to Cat Ba Town (the only “town” on the island – it has about 8,000 people living there).

Well, no......

There IS one that does but it wasn't the one that I bought a ticket for!

The one that I bought a ticket for forces you on a bus for, like, 40 kilometres, then drops you off at a dock in the middle of some combination of a swamp and a rice paddy in the middle of nowhere. You THEN catch the Hydrofoil there, which takes you to the BACK SIDE of Cat Ba island and drops you in the middle of the jungle.....where you then take a 30 kilometre bus ride into Cat Ba “town” - all the while avoiding VC patrols (no, jes' kidding....).....

....needless to say, this sucked and ate a ton of time.

Of course, when I BOUGHT the ticket, nobody bothered to mention to me that, with this particular carrier, I hop a bus and then a boat and THEN another bus to get to Cat Ba “town”.......naaaaaw......musta slipped their minds....

Of course, if I read Vietnamese better, I'd be able to SEE that is what this particular trip does.....but, naaaaaww.....musta slipped my mind to spend more time learning Vietnamese!

I didn't really plan Cat Ba well at all. First off, I wanted a place to crash AHEAD of time (sorry.....sorry.....getting old and I no longer really get into walking all over towns looking at fifty different hotel rooms and trying to negotiate a price). So I got a place called The Holiday View inside Cat Ba “town” for 950,000 Dong for what they call a “Deluxe Suite”! Shit....hate to see the “standard” room then because this thing was about the size of a typical Best Western or Holiday Inn. The hardwood floors were way cool, and the balcony overlooking the bay was nice, but this is VIET NAM!! This is 1/3 a month's salary for most folks in Hai Phong......Jesus.....

Still, though, it was a fifteen minute walk to the Sunset Resort (which is one of Cat Ba's three beaches – and even if the thing's ON YOUR RESORT'S PROPERTY?? It's STILL a public beach [how very Ora-gaaaan of them]) and I really enjoyed the view from the balcony, soooo......

For Sunday Night, I HAD reserved a room at the Cat Ba Island Resort and Spa. Cool, it is DIRECTLY ON beach #2....all right. Well, reserved a room for 1,000,000 for Sunday Night. Thought that on Saturday Night, I'd have a peek at what I was getting.

Got there, was taken to the room, and was not terribly impressed. For THAT kinda Dong, you'd think I'd get something a bit larger than a tiger cage! Good thing I checked it out first.....canceled immediately and went wandering about the town, looking at about 20 or so hotels!

Now, HERE'S where the fact of booking ahead DOES actually come in handy, as whilst I was walking around, it became pretty obvious that I was comparing hotels, then, like a flock of vultures, I was swarmed upon by fifty different guys: “Misser....Misser, please, cheek out MY hotel! It very nice!” Couple of 'em offered a kayak tour for an additional 100,000 Dong if I chose their hotel, but hell, a couple of these guys even offered to toss in a girl for the night for an extra 100,000 Dong if I stayed in their hotel!!! THAT was some irritating shit. Kinda thought that I left that behind in Do Son.......

BUT, after enough perseverance, I found a room at a place on the seventh (top) floor that overlooked the harbour and had actually been CLEANED since the American War (unlike, about 90% of the hotels in Cat Ba that go for less than 1,500,000 Dong a night). It's off season, and NOBODY ELSE is on the entire floor (which has, like, five rooms on it), so I have this big-ass balcony to myself, and it's a fifth of the price (200,000 Dong a night) of the place I stayed in (the Holiday View – 900,000 Dong a night) on Saturday Night. It has no Wi-Fi, but I'd been to four cafes, bars and hotels in Cat Ba “town” and tried their Wi-Fi that they advertised.......

......and THOSE don't work....so who cares?

(ONE of these days, I'll just leave the laptop at home.....)


The OTHER great planning maneuver I did was to figger - “Man, it's hot today here in Hai Phong. Oh yeah, time to pack for Cat Ba. Oh hell...les' jes' bring two T-Shirts and two pair shorts and two underwear an' we is all set!”

Well, now THAT was smart, wasn't it??

ALL my favourite outdoor beach/water activities (like kayaking and sitting on the beach all day drinking pints) were off-limits now, because this brain-surgeon (your author) NEVER BOTHERED to inquire locally before he departed as, if he had, he'd see that Hai Phong is about 25 degrees warmer than Cat Ba Island........and that thee closer to the water you actually get, the colder it becomes! Given the fact that your author has lost about 99.2% of his former ability to tolerate cold, well.....

STILL, though, at 240,000 Dong round trip for the hydrofoil and 200,000 for a cool hotel room, I KNOW I'll be back.....errrmmm.....let's just consider this an exploratory mission......

Here be some pics -





Fishing rowboat out in the open water about 5 kilometres from Cat Ba Island






Cat Ba "town".....thass it....this pretty much be all of it.....ain't nowhere near as charming as Rockaway Beach, Oregon, but at maybe a fifth of the cost....






EVERYBODY loves a floating restaurant......




View from my balcony at noon.....



The view at 6PM.....


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Bought a flight to Ho Chi Minh City/Saigon last week. Partially because I just wanted to see the War Remnants Museum (I missed it when I was there in April, 2008 because of some sort of bizarre electrical issues where they had shut the museum for the day, and I was only in Saigon for 27 hours) and the Vietnamese take on the “American War” and also because......well......shit.....there's nowhere else to fly to out of Hai Phong! Nope! A city with 2.5 million people in it, and thee only flights you can get outta there is to Ho Chi Minh City.

R.E.M. wrote the song “Can't get there from here” about Hai Phong's Cat Bi Airport.........

......basically ya gotta hop a bus for 2½ hours or ride your skooter 105 kilometres to Hanoi's Noi Bai Airport if you actually wanna go to somewhere.

But, oddly enuff, I had just gotten word two days after I bought my flight that a Viet Kieu friend of mine whom I used to work with at The City of Portland Bureau of Development Services is going to be flying from PDX to Saigon that weekend, so I is really looking forward to that.......

More from Ho Chi Minh City next weekend.....

-E-

Jes' wondering.....


I haf nooooo idea HOW many people actually READ this thing, but I haf a question.

I was told by two different people that the white text on black background is kinda annoying and difficult to read.

Please advise me if you'd prefer it in a more readable colour!!

I'm counting on your opinion!! If you don't reply or comment, then you support terrorism!!

So there!! ;-P

-E-

OK.....where do I start?

.....lotsa shit goin' on.....

OK, we'll go chronologically, then......

• Jerry The Gordie had told me that, much like North America, one has to purchase skooter insurance in order to ride on the road here in Viet Nam. OK....the guy's been residing here on and off for more than six years.......no questions.

So, I ask Tam to take me to get skooter insurance.

She leads me to a sporting goods store.....

".......errrmmmm, Tam......I don't want a pair of Nikes.......I'd like skooter insurance."

"You buy motorbike insurance here."

"But it's a sporting goods shop!"

"They do not earn much money selling things for sport here. So they......how you say......diverfee?? Diversee??"

"Diversify?"

"VANG!! Yes! Yes! They do other things and also sell sport goods!"


Now, I despise insurance people with a flaming passion ('cept for Nick Fox, 'cause he's a friend of mine, and I can't tell him what career to get into). I deplore the literal multitude of private questions that they demand answers to ("Are you married?" "Do you OWN a house?" "WHAT is your credit score?") and generally, I feel unplesant around anything even having anything to do with insurance........particularly since I have never actually FILED a claim IN MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!

So this sporting goods store gig caught me quite off guard.......

"Uhhh......OK. Here's my passport.....here's my Oregon driver's license with the Classes "M"and "C" on it. If you turn it over like so, it means that I am legally allowed to drive a motorbike and a automobile, and........"

"Ernie......Ernie!!!! They do not care about you!! The motorbike is more important than you!!"

Well.......shit......THANKS, Tam! Deflate my ego a bit, why don't you.....?

So I show them the Bill of Sale and the title (which LITERALLY DOES NOT have one's name on it) and five minutes later and 70,000 Dong lighter, we walk out with a certificate that states that me and my passenger are covered up to 30 million Dong in medical expenses on the policy. And, on the back of it, I SWEAR, there was a 20% off coupon for Guido's pizzaeria and another offering buy one-get one free at Nguyen's Pho Ba restaurant.........

"Do not believe everything on the paper" said Tam.

"What???!!??? I hafta PAY for the second bowl of Pho Ba at Nguyen's.....???!!??"

"No. About the insurance......"

"Errrmm.......Tam?? Trust me: It is the same way in America!"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

• Caught my first VFF (Viet Nam Football Federation) match at Lach Tray Stadium (pronounced "lack CHAY") where Hai Phong Cement beat The Army 2-1. Was very interesting.....OVER-packed house to the point where people sat in the stairwells, no beer and water is served only in a plastic bag (because of past Hooliganism problems). And, when a Hai Phong player received a rather dodgy yellow card from the ref, I stood up and shouted "BULLSHIT!" and everyone for ten rows in all dircetions around me became silent and looked at me. I guess dissent with the referee is frowned upon here.

Christ.....wish some of the high school matches that I had officiated in America were like that...........


Some pics -





Game ticket























Walking to the stadium, I passed a tasty pre-game snack......but I wasn't that hungry....
























My friends Suzanne and Ed at the stadium, representing their respective nations





Them....



Hai Phong Cement walking off after warm-ups




About an hour before kickoff....



Right before kickoff.





Right AT kickoff.....notice that the stairwell disappeared into a mass of humanity....




The Cong supporters who came in from Ha Noi.......these were thee only empty seats in the entire stadium.




Fun match.....great atmosphere. But I'm really not too sure how much I enjoy getting to the match two hours beforehand because of general admission seating with no beer and having to climb over a literal mass of humanity sitting down on what used to be the stairwell just to go take a piss. Shit, and you thought that going to Rich Stadium was bad......

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

• My cavalier attitude towards speed limits here and my misplaced faith in my Cracka friends here (who repeatedly stated: "Oh, don't worry....they NEVER pull over foreigners here!") would come back to bite me in the ass....

I was headed on the 20 kilometre ride down to Do Son beach to relax and drink a few beers on the beach. The speed limit nationally in Viet Nam for skooters is 60 Kilometres Per Hour MAXIMUM ANYWHERE and 40 Kilometres Per Hour maximum in any built-up/urbanised area.

There are, like three "built-up" (and, if you had seen these tiny shantytowns, you'd agree that's really a stretch of the term "built-up") areas on the way from Hai Phong to Do Son.

It was a mild day with sunshine, not too hot at all, and I was feeling good and ready to pound a few pints on the beach! So, obviously I wasn't thinking about what my speedometer was saying.

Once I get thru to the end of this "built-up" area, I see a bunch of guys in khaki milling about near the side of the road......

".....oooer, speed trap" I had thought to myself. "I'd best slow down and make a good show of it."

Until this bright white skooter with a guy in khaki blares straight out of nowhere and cuts me off. He then signals for me to go to the side of the road.

"Oh SHIT!" I thought to myself. "Wonder if they can even FIT my ass into a Tiger Cage?"

So, I'm standing on the sidewalk, and this army-looking dude in khaki comes right up to me and gives me a military salute.

Now, in the very deeeeeep, daaaaark misty past, during my misspent youth, I had gone out to The Continental one night and engaged in faaaaar too many excesses. The next morning, I was in the United States Army. I really still can't quite piece together what happened during the interim, except that it involved circus midgets using whips on girls clad in leather bikinis and i thought that I saw fireworks as well.....

After a while, the Army and I both mutually decided that this really wasn't gonna really be a good fit for either of us, and we parted ways with no hard feelings on either side.

But there are three things that will stick with me FOREVER -

- I STILL write my dates as 23 FEB 2009

- When spelling things, I STILL use the NATO phonetic alphabet (e.g. - F=Foxtrot/A=Alpha/W=Whiskey, etc.)

- And, when saluted by somebody in uniform, I STILL slam the insides of my feet together, stand rigid, and snap a salute back

Which is what I did here.

The guy looked absolutely stunned......I don't think that the Vietnamese generally do that when getting pulled over.

So, I get led over to this giant Jeep-like thing where some khaki guy is sitting inside, and I was told that I was going 60 K.P.H. in a 40. They requested 200,000 Dong as a fine/suggested donation. I felt now was NOT the right time to attempt to negotiate, so I paid him, shook all the cops hands, and rode off. They all smiled and waved at me and one of them even said "Good luck!"

I laffed so hard at that, that I nearly lost control of my skooter.........

Just a bit pissed off at myself for forgetting to affix the "I support the Vietnam Police Benevolent Association - 2009" sticker to the back of my skooter!!!!


I was instructed by a couple of my Cracka co-workers that, IF pulled over, you are supposed to hand over your title/registration, your insurance, and slip a 100,000 Dong bill in there nice and neatly, and you'll be on your way in no time!

I really was NOT in a mood to experiment that day, plus the thought of the Tiger Cages......well.......

It really didn't bother me. Given that, I found out later, I DID get tagged the "Vietnamese rate" (as opposed to the affluent foreigner rate) for the fine (probably because I saluted back and offered them all cigarettes), that they were quite pleasant about the entire thing (as opposed to, say, New York State StormTrooper pigs), and that I calculated it out after I rode off......

......it came to $11.76USD.

So what if it went into their pockets. Fine by me......I mean, if you look at the BIG picture, there is no profit-mongering insurance conglomerate just drooling at the opportunity to now jack up your premium so they can increase their profit. The entire thing was quite efficient, actually.....






More next week......

-E-

"Dooomb Fucking Yankee"!!!!

The above expression I had heard whilst I was driving in Victoria, British Columbia many moons ago with a girl I had once lived with. It was a warm summers day, and the white Ford Econoline van next to me had screeched to a halt due to a rather bone-headed driving maneuver by the person in front of him, who happened to have Washington State plates on his vehicle! The Gordie operator of said Econoline had stated the title of this chapter quite expressively to display his displeasure at the antics of the American driver directly in front of him......

.....it also could be utilised to describe some of the adventures that your humble narrator has been on over the past week.....

• My friends and "family" here were screaming at me when I told them how much I paid for my skooter.
  

"WHAT?? NO! NO! Khong!! Khong!! That skooter cost 8 Million Dong!"

"Errmm....no, it cost me 11 Million!"

"NO!! I cannot believe you!! That is an 8 Million Dong skooter!! So sad :-( "

"Errrmmm.....I offered the guy 9 mill, and he stated clearly and unequivocally 'Khong!!' and then let me walk away!!! I came back two days later and offered 11 Million, down from his 11.5, for it!!"

"When you go buy, who go with you?"

"Errmm....jes' me and Jerry The Gordie.....why?"

All hands slapped foreheads almost in unison.

"Why you not bring Vietnamese with you????!!!!!!???"

"Errrmmm.....'cause none were available, and I really didn't wish to bother anybody, sooo......"

(repeat hand-slap-to-forehead by Vietnamese)

Tam said: "Ernie - You must take me with you when you go out to do things such as this! Or another Vietnamese.....someone amongst us will be honoured to go with you and will ALWAYS make time to do so......I always worry about you when you go out alone. You must not be so independent."

Obviously, she don't know me very well......

"Tam, look, please - I take care of shit on my own, and I really dislike putting anybody off! PLEASE, do not worry about me!!"

I would hear the same thing about getting a flat tyre fixed by some guy on the street corner ("WHAT???!!?? You give them 100,000 to repair you flat??? Why you not call us??? You should pay no more than 50,000 Dong!!" - "Errrmm.....because it was 11 O'Clock at night, and the guy tossed me a couple of beers on the cuff......")

And before ANYBODY starts bitching about my spelling again.....








So THERE!!!! :-P

• Rode my skooter to Ha Noi (Hanoi) last Saturday after finishing last week's posting. 208 Kilometres (like, 125 miles) round-trip on something that can easily fit into your closet is an experience! Still, though.....again, the thing MOVES!!!! Moves to the extent that I had a rather cavalier attitude towards the mandated velocity maximum and I cruised to Ha Noi in under 90 minutes (whereas, actually following the speed limits gets you there in about two hours).

Went to the Old Quarter (Hoan Kiem) of Ha Noi, got lost for two hours trying to find the Blue Sky Hotel (see post of April, 2008) and, upon arrival, was told it was 300,000 Dong for what they showed me was a room maybe half as nice as the one I stayed in back in April there.

"Errrmmm.....I stayed in here in April in room 202 and dropped 200,000 per night!!!"

"That was last year......"

"Uhhhh.....honey?? Inflation really shouldn't jump 33% in nine months!! Particularly during an economic recession."

(insert Jerry Brown look on the receptionist's face here)

So I stayed seven blocks away (still in the Old Quarter) at the Old Street Hotel......same price - nicer room - better attitude!

Hung out and had a few beers on the Hoan Kiem lakefront, went into a bar in a hotel that for some reason, had a video slot machine parlour in it (I would find out later that only hotels that are given four-star or higher ratings are allowed to have video slot machines in them....and, also, only tay [foreign passport holders] are allowed access to them). Walked out one hundred U.S. Dollars richer and went back to the hotel.

Next day, I saw a mom-and-pop DVD shop on the street. But they had such titles as "Gran Turino", "Slumdog Millionaire", "Milk" and others!!!!

"Wow!!" I thought to myself. "These folks must have some serious connections to be able to get these films on DVD for sale before even Blockbuster Video has them!!!!!"

And I walked out with a DVD of "Gran Turino" for the ridiculously high price of 15,000 Dong......

................

................

.....errrmmm......thass 87 U.S. cents (or $1.04 Gordie).



For SOME reason, I don't think that Clint Eastwood is losing sleep regarding his fiscal stability over my purchase last weekend......

Basically - you is gonna buy something in Viet Nam or China?? ALWAYS ASSUME that it's gonna be a pirate copy! Literally......as opposed to the high-quality original that I had purchased, shown below -





But I DID find the Hanoi Hilton.......here it is -

• Got my cell fone nicked on Thursday Night. Dunno how, where or when (fell outta my pocket whilst I was riding? Snatched outta my backpack?? Dunno.....), but it wasn't lost - it got nicked. THEN, looked at my skooter when I got home, and saw that the two screws that fit the front plastic piece onto the frame ALSO got nicked!!
  

Found that to be slightly irritating, but for some reason, my shit's calm here! Can't figure out why, seriously!!

I mean, had that happened in The States, I woulda hunted the guy down and probably killed him......

Then, turned on one of my laptops for the first time in a couple days ( a record for me), and found out about the plane crash in Clarence Center..........

......suddenly, my petty little problems weren't irritating anymore......



I'm off to bed....gonna go see Cement Hai Phong take on the Cong (Army team) in a VFF match tomorrow.


More soon....

-E-

Apologies.....

.....I've been very busy this past week, and, when I get shit settled down and I get settled in.......postings will be more frequent!

Few observations and events -

• The Vietnamese smoke like CHIMNEYS!!! I mean, they even smoke in the lobbies of fucking HOSPITALS!!! Not a good thing, as the (RELATIVE TO WESTERNERS) cheap price of a pack of Japanese charcoal-filtered ciggies (25,000 Dong....like $1.75USD) and the fact that NOWHERE is off-limits from smoking really make this nation a tough place to try to cut back on smoking.

• These people personify the old axiom “Early to bed, early to rise”!! There really isn't much to do here after 12 midnight (though, ALLEGEDLY, there are a few actual nightclubs that stay open until 2AM-ish).....and if you're enjoying several pints with friends at around 11:30pm at a cafe, the proprietors (usually run by a family) will stand around you, tapping their feet, gradually putting the furniture back inside, etc. This is in Vietnam's third-largest city, at 3.1 million population in the Hai Phong metro area (which really isn't that large geographically, as the Vietnamese are huge on density and not terribly excited about sprawl). I'm viewed as a bit of a freak here because I go to bed around 2AM and wake up around 10:30am!

• Left the classroom I was residing in and reside now in a huge-ass room with a private bathroom in the house of the family of one of the staff members of the school (whose name is Ngoc......pronounced “nup”). Holy shit! Talk about an experience in cultural anthropology.......this is like the flick “Krippendorf's Tribe”!!
  
  Jerry The Gordie drops off like 95 lbs. worth of my luggage on the back of his skooter at my new home (Jerry is as pasty as any Cracka British Columbian, but he essentially is Vietnamese thru and thru.....as the Vietnamese ROUTINELY carry things like entire trees, 32” television sets, small refrigerators, mattresses, and fuck knows what else on the back of a skooter) and, upon my entrance, I get greeted with much fanfare and a bottle of Johnny Walker Black is cracked open. Errrmmm.......OK......

THEN, I discover that the staff member's (Ngoc's) English is dodgy at best, and I realise that she's NOWHERE AROUND! NOBODY there speaks a syllable of English. THEN I re-discover that the “Grunt-and-Point” works a LOT better in Europe than in Asia. So, the mother (whose name is pronounced “Hahnga”) and I point at shit and say the words in our respective tongues and then we go to my room and she helps me with my Rosetta Stone pronunciation.........



Ngoc on the fone


I reside on a very narrow alley called Ngyuen Duc Canh (you pronounce that "muh-when-duh-kaaang"). Addresses 1-65 of the alley (no, it really is considered a street) are residential, addresses 65 - 100 are retail and a pagoda, and 100 - onwards Ngyuen Duc Canh turns into this big-ass Grande Boulevard parkway thoroughfare with shops, cafes, restaurants and whatnot lining it.






















My front door (the pale blue gates)





The residential section of my "street"





The commercial section of my "street"

• Bought a skooter! Thee cool, hipster area, Minh Khai, is, like, three kilometres from my new digs (and is overwhelmed with Hai Phong's fifteen or so Crackas, all of whom seem to hang out there)......and the walk back after several pints was wearing a bit tiresome after a few nights. Plus, if I wanted to just take off to Do Son beach (20 Km) or even Hanoi (98 Km), I can do it at my leisure, and don't hafta borrow a bike from one of Tuan's family members!

• Riding here is an absolute fucking treat! There are dead ZERO traffic laws (well....OK.....I take that back – there ARE one or two on paper.....but everybody ignores them and they are never enforced) and it literally is like anarchy on the roads. During one three-day stretch, I had seen three accidents (skooter-pedestrian, skooter-bicycle and skooter-skooter). The first one I saw was where a bicyclist did a wild-ass U-turn in the middle of a busy street with no regard for anything or anybody. He got taken out broadside by a skooter.

I was riding with Tam as my passenger. I screamed “HOLY SHIT!!!!” and literally shook!

Tam stated “Oh......it's to be expected. That happens all of the time” in the same tone of voice in which one would observe “Oh.....it's cloudy today” in Portland.

It literally makes “Death Race 2000” look as heart-pumping as competitive knitting by comparison......

I mean, last Saturday, two days before school went into session, all staff hopped onto motorbikes and went on a marathon five-minutes-per-stop tour to all staff member's family's houses (DON'T ask). Well, we got to the house where Ngoc and her family and I reside, when Tuan (Our Leader/Director of the school that bears his name) gets a fone call and a pale look on his face.

Apparently, word spread through the group that we are to proceed quickly to the hospital!

"The hospital??!!??" I asked. "What is it??!??"

"It's a large building with sick people in it......but that's not important right now" responded Tuan.

Well, no, he didn't say that.....but still, it wouldn't surprise me if he did....


So we discover that Nguyen was riding on the back of a skooter with Tung, and some douchebag knocked 'em over and sliced Ngyuen's foot open quite nicely.

In the waiting area with many people puffing away on ciggies, I asked for more detail.

"It was not Tung's fault - somebody accidentally bumped into them and they fell over."

I then saw Nguyen's foot, and I got a touch heated -

"Well, shit, where is the guy? Did they get his insurance? Are the police there? Did Tung at least clock the living shit outta this wank?"

"No," responded Tuan. "He left."

"WHAT???!" I screamed. SOMEBODY had to catch a license plate or something! Fuck!! Sue his ass for all the money his family's next seven generations will make in salary!!!"

"Ah-nee.....Ah-nee....it is not like that. We take care of Ngyuen, and that is the way things are....." said Tuan.

I actually started sputtering: "Whaaa.....whaaa.....how.....duh......"

Tuan calmed me down....but still....




My skooter, a 2006 Yamaha Ultimo, I got for 10 million Dong (and can easily dump for 8 million whenever I leave and return home to Portlandia). I routinely get giggles when riding it, as, when I ask why people are laffing, I am told "Such a large man......on such a tiny motorbike." I literally had considered shipping The Helix over here....but bikes of greater than 150cc are not allowed to be driven in Vietnam. Still, though.....I can git the fucker up to 90 Km/h (about 20Km/h above the national speed limit for skooters here).

• Finding my way around Hai Phong fairly quickly.....and I only dragged the GPS out once, on my second day here!

• Went to the Post Office here to fire out a couple of packages to my sister and to HRD. Tam went with me, and thank Christ she did! About five forms strictly in Vietnamese had to be filled out in triplicate for each parcel, and they refused to ship the 375ml bottle of Ha Noi brand rice vodka, made right here in Vietnam (sorry, Sis). One lady who was about 12 months pregnant was helping us, and one of her co-workers and her supervisor were sitting at a desk three feet away from her, chatting about their families and gossiping, as a queue was developing.

Tam assured me (in the same "It's cloudy outside today in Portland" tone of voice) - "Do not panic: They are working as slowly as possible to process your parcel."

I literally dropped to the floor laffing...

"Please do not show happiness....the Postal Staff may mis-interpret this as meaning that you are pleased to be cooperating with them."

I almost pissed myself.....45 minutes later, we were free to leave.

• "Taught" my first few classes this week, and got the hint that one has to be the students friend and almost literally entertain them! This resulted in me looking like I was hosting a game show and acting rather animated and, at one point, standing on top of a desk. The advanced level students stated that I had an "HBO voice" (???!!??) and accused me of being thirty years old.

.....on that note.....



-E-

Right.....so, I'm trying to get acclimated......

.....few weird things that I have encountered, followed by a few pics -

• Tuesday evening, Tuan invited Jerry The Gordie and myself to dinner at the house of his future son-in-law's family (daughter's boyfriend), whose name is Nam. I had been walking out about Hai Phong Tuesday Afternoon and had decided that it would be nice to pick up a bottle of vino for the hosts.

Well, I found a bottle of what appeared to be local stuff from a region called Dalat. 'K, I figured, I'll grab that (I ALWAYS try to drink locally) for 50,000 Dong. Took it back to the skool to show Tuan, and he laffed to absolutely no end......


....errrrmmmm.......


.....uhhhhh...........


.....apparently, The Vietnamese drink American or French wines, and this Dalat stuff is regarded to be some serious-ass rotgut!

Decided that if I brought it over, it would bring much dishonour to the house of future son-in-law's family. Kept it at home.

But hell, if I had known that they prefer American vino, I woulda brought over a case of Ernest & julio Gallo's best vinegar!! Shit.....probably coulda sold that over here forra full year's rent on my pad! I couldn't stoop THAT low, however, as to give my hosts E-J!!! Naw....thass bad form.......

• If I hear ANOTHER FUCKING ROOSTER screaming at 5AM, I swear, I'm gonna lose it.....

• Those goddamm little tiny red ants are STILL here from last time (see post of April, 2008)

• Took my very first ever ride in a Lada a couple days ago. THIS was a treat!! I mean, imaging thee, thee shittiest car that you have EVER bought for $150 when you were 16 years old and you'll still have a better car than a Lada!

A Lada is a Soviet-built car that makes the Yugo look like a Lexus by compare. This particular beauty that I rode in (THINK it may have been early nineties, not sure, though) featured wires hanging everywhere, windows that fell out of the track (so one could not open the windows), NO seatbelts whatsoever, and had NO keys for the ignition. No, it wasn't thefted at one time, but rather it WAS DESIGNED LIKE THAT......utilising a push-button ignition system to start the thing (I can only imagine that no sane person would want to steal it). In traffic of pedestrians, bicycles, skooters and God knows what else in a large Vietnamese city......it was certainly an interesting ride.

• The Vietnamese concept of boys and girls. Very interesting.....yet rather disconcerting. During coffee and bia with my friend Tam here in Hai Phong, she had asked me when I plan to get married. I had stated that I have no plans anytime soon to do so, and proceeded to explain the U.S. trend (for lack of a better term) of people either waiting to get married at a later age, or never getting married at all.

“But doesn't that bring unhappiness?? Not getting married and not having a family?”

“Well, no.....actually, it brings much happiness to a lot of people. I have several friends who are happy being single and childless.”

“But they are so lonely! It is so sad........”

“Waaaai........waaaai a sec. NOT necessarily! I mean, people in America do shack up and....”

“.....'shack-up'?? I do not understand?”

“I mean, like boyfriend-girlfriend, but they live in the same house together and sleep together and sometimes even have children together!!!!”

(Insert Jerry Brown look on Tam's face here)

“Errrmmm......you look stunned......”

“That is so unusual!!”

“Errmmm......not to Americans. Why, how does it go here, then?”

“We are very traditional here, and very reserved. We have no sleeping together until marriage. Until that time, we live at parent's house. And to 'shack-up together', as you say, brings great dishonour upon one's family....."

(Insert Jerry Brown look on MY face here)

“Shit!!! My parents COULDN'T WAIT to git rid of me when I left their house and had my first shack-up!! They even bought me a used car for that milestone in my life!”

It really seems a lot like high school....except that in America, it is a lot easier to get laid in High School before you're married than it as a unmarried adult in Vietnam!

Also, everybody is expected to spawn, as that bring much happiness. In addition, The State will arrest you and send you to a re-education camp if you are not married by age 30!

• The Vietnamese are SOOOO hospitable, that I suspect that there is really no such concept as a stranger to them. During the Tet holidays, I have been invited to so many dinners and parties, that it is really beginning to wear thin. I mean, if I am asked to go to another fucking party hosted by Tuan's nephew's cousin's brother's dentist's golf caddy....where literally dozens of fotograffs are snapped of me (a very Asian thing....I feel like a D-List celebrity and I have learned how to do The Queen's Wave very well)....I swear to God, I'm gonna fucking lose it!

The strangers that I see on the street smile and try to say “Hello” I respond back with a snappy “Xin Chow!” and that puts 'em off-guard a bit! People always wave and smile at me when I'm riding around town on a skooter.......The Vietnamese are very nice, good folk.

• Rode a skooter to a seaside town yesterday called Do Son. It is about 20 Kilometres from Hai Phong. Thought that I'd grab a nice waterfront hotel and hang on the balcony and have a few pints and finally have some time alone (a VERY uniquely North American/European concept). Well........that didn't happen.

The hotels that I found on the waterfront had used condoms lying all over the street, and unused ones on the floor in the hotel room (GROSS!!!) and the rooms were fairly dirty. I was warned that this is the Thailand of Viet Nam (Shit!! Even Bangkok was nicer than these places). Found a nice, clean one that is owned by an elderly couple closer inland towards the town for 200,000 Dong a night (like, twelve bucks) and figured that I can deal with not having the South China Sea underneath my balcony in exchange for a clean room and a decent area where I'm not asked everywhere I go if I would like “Boom Boom!”.

Then I fucked up and later found out that there ARE THREE ENTIRE SECTIONS to Do Son....each separated from each other by four mies of jungle. Screwed that up and thought that the first built-up section was the ENTIRE town and grabbed the hotel there. But still, it's a nice hotel (save for the overpowering blast of mildew scent emittng from the bafroom)....but, since it's the Tet holiday, I am thee only person in this entire hotel (of, like, 50-plus rooms).....feels a bit like “The Shining”, but without the snow.

Plus, it's like 50 degrees and humid (so it feels very cold).....so the idea of hanging on the beach can wait until the 35 degree (CENTIGRADE) days arrive.

Ripped open the Dalat vino whilst typing this in my room. It's NOT fatal....but it does have the power to strip old paint offa walls, soooo......it'll work if you're having the DT's........


Oh yeah, the pics......


















Arrival at Hanoi Airport....




















The staff in front of the school....





















Riding back into town with the Tet peach tree.....

























Dalat wine....




















I couldn't quite grasp this one. I mean, I saw this tabletop at the clean hotel in Do Son run by the nice elderly couple. Is it saying that condoms often surf on top of dolphins in area waters whilst holding a life preserver?

• My friend Tam and I were looking for food. Vietnam is kinda weird in that you can generally only find food around mealtimes, as cafes and such shut down the kitchen during 9 to 11AM and 2 to 5PM and 8PM - onwards.

Well, Tam took me to an American food place and asked me if I wanted to go in. I figured that she could use a bit of fattening up......so we headed in .....



















































Wings and ribs....oooooh man, MUCH better then pig's lung and goat's feet!! I sure got that -itis once again.




I begin one week of observing classes (thank Christ) on Monday.....then, next Monday, I'm going to attempt to teach.

Pray for me.....I'll keep ya posted on how that goes!!

-E-

Toto, I don't think we're in Oregon anymore.....

....right. So, I die around 4am Thursday Night/Friday Morning, and then, at like, 7:30am, Tuan wakes me up - "Teacher, Teacher.......you must wake up!" 

"Where's the fire?" I grunt.

"No fire, no fire. Office staff come in today! Yesterday final day of school. But all staff come in today for special visit just to meet you!"

The fuck????

"Errmmm......they, uhhh, normally have off today?"

"Yes, but they all make special effort to come to greet and meet you!"

You're kidding, right?

"Errmmm.......uhhhh.....OK. Uhhhh, let me shower and I will meet them in the office."

The E is NOT at his best before noon......and he can be particularly pissy around 7:30am.

.....so, after a shower and a still-shitty disposition, I manage to walk downstairs to the office and was greeted by a gaggle of young Vietnamese girls who compose a few of the teaching staff and the bulk of the office administrative staff. After brief introductions, we all went upstairs to Tuan's living quarters and sat around a table, where, over tea, I was peppered with questions about The United States, general questions about myself, and then some personal questions about myself by said gaggle of girls:

“Where you live in America?”

"A city called Portland, in a state called Ora-gaaan" (hey – gotta teach 'em to talk like Easterners).

“Where is that?”

"It's on the West Coast of America, not too far from California" (fuckin' EVERYONE'S heard of California, I figured).

“You near the beach?”

"110 kilometres away!"

“Where were you born?”

"A town called Buffalo......in a state called New York, but NOT New York CITY!!"

“What your job before you come here?”

I really couldn't explain the occupation of “unemployed drifter and writer” to them, so I went back to my last (semi-)legitimate position, and tried to explain Urban Planning to them.

“Are you single?”

"Errrmmm.....yes.........."


“Can I have your phone number?”

"...................

...................

.......errrrmmm..........sure........OK, it's 125-65-......."



Five cell fones popped out with fingers at the ready........













After that, Tuan and I and two of his guys on staff rode skooters out into the countryside to pick out (what I THINK was) a kumquat tree. The Vietnamese use them for Tet (I guess kinda like how we use a small evergreen tree for Christmas), and this was thee most surreal skooter ride I haf EVER taken in my life. I did not realise that it was possible to drive a skooter whilst balancing a passenger who is carrying a four-foot kumquat tree and dodge cars, other skooters, bicyclists, pedestrians, water buffaloes, and fuck knows what else all at the same time......but I did it.....and I'll post pics to prove it later.

Beyond that, I am having several people go look for a house for me. No, it's not a house as we know it in the Western sense, because all structures within five miles of an urbanised area are attached.....the only DEtached houses are out in the sticks. Rather, the Vietnamese refer to all living quarters as a “house”......

Whilst it's quite amusing to reside in an empty classroom as I am doing now (HEY!!!!! I can hit the Internet, smoke and drink bia there!!!!), the Vietnamese, because of the ratio of population vs. land base, have no concept of the North American idea of privacy, and whilst I was asked if I would like to reside in an empty classroom during my tenure there, I politely declined. A fellow teacher from Vancouver, B.C. named Jerry (this Gordie who's about 55 years old) and I are trying to explain to Tuan the idea that North Americans, after reaching the age of 35 or so, generally prefer their own space with no roommates......


The Vietnamese culture is a hell of a thing for me to get a handle on. Seriously! I mean, to go cruise around as a tourist (as I did in April 2008) is one thing, but to live amongst an actual Vietnamese family and work there and RESIDE there is a whole different ball of wax!

Let's take food, for instance.......I should easily be able to shed a few lbs. here, as I was introduced to delicacies at the Dang family dinner table such as pig's lung, goat's feet, and shrimp that does NOT haf the shell at all and still has the head on it......bit disconcerting to maul this fresh out-of-the-water shrimp with it's little black buggy eyes peering at you......

....rice, noodles, Pho Bo (beef noodle soup) and fried spring rolls are pretty much my diet here.

Christ!! HOW will my body deal with the lack of chemicals and artificial preservatives??


The household lifestyle is a bit weird here, too. The women and children are to do ALL, and I do mean ALL, of the house work (I was thanked profusely when I was gathering the dishes after a meal to bring to the sink). And people (in an URBAN area) keep live chickens in a cage in the fucking bafroom!!!! Errrmmm.......uhhh......they weren't exactly pets, either.

And what they define as generational just blew me away!! For example, I had coffee with a friend (well, she had coffee.....I had bia). We were discussing the upcoming New Year's Eve festivities this evening and my friend had asked me what I am doing. I had explained that I was going to Red Square (the centre square in downtown Hai Phong.....it's NOT called “Red Square”, but thass what I call it) to watch the fireworks with Tuan's daughter, Thinm (which translates in English to “virgin” - seriously), and some of her friends.

“Oh. That is nice.”

"Why don't you come join us?"

“I was not invited to join.”

"Errmmm.....yeah.....you just were!!!!"

“No, by Thinm and her friends, I was not invited.”

"But you KNOW these people well.....so what???"

“E, it is different. I am not of, how you say, those people generation. They are younger....we do not do things together...........”

(insert Jerry Brown look here)

"Uhhh.....you're 24 years old, they're all 18 or so......and your point????!!??"

“You do not understand – they are younger than I am, and.....”

"Yeah, by all of six fucking years!! I mean,, I haf friends in Portlandia that run from 18 to 55 years old! And if the 18 year old will host a party, they will invite the 55 year old and everyone in between.....and vice-versa!!!!!!"

“Really?” (insert Jerry Brown look here on my friend's face)



Bizarre.....more later – I'm off to the fireworks now.....

-E-

P.S.- I haf all new contact information, including cell fone (if ya feel like dropping a hundred bucks per minute for hot, steamy English as a Second Language talk wiff me), a fone number to leave me messages at (it's a U.S. number – no International calling charge) and a SKYPE ID name. It's all on my Facebook page. If ya don't wanna join Facebook, leave me a comment and I'll get that info to you!

P.P.S. - Bought a case of Bia Ha Noi pounders (16 oz. bottles of Hanoi brand beer) today for 160,000 Vietnamese Dong......and where else can you have a night out where five pints cost you about a half-hour's salary (125,000 Vietnamese Dong)??

Go to www.xe.com and do the maths.....

'K.....so, I flew outta Pearson (YYZ - Toronto).....

....at some absurd hour in the A.M. (like, 6AM) after three hours of sleep.

Make it to Atlanta after an hour and a half on the flight from T.O. speaking and laffing with a cool Gordie chick named Angel, dawdled about Hartsfieid-Jackson forra couple hours, hopped on a painful 16 hour flight to Seoul, dawdled around Incheon forra couple hours, hopped on a painful 4 hour flight to Ha Noi and finally got there 27 hours from the time that I took off from Toronto.

Boy did THAT suck.....next time, it's outta PDX, thass for Goddamm sure!!


Got into Ha noi, Immigration and Customs didn't bat an eyelash (blew through them both in under FIVE MINUTES), got my luggage and walked out into the main terminal. Was told to go find Michael The Nigarian (I know....I know....sounds like a character from the film La Femme Nikita - "E, this is Michael The Nigerian....we could not send Viktor The Cleaner.....") and expecting to see a sign saying "Welcome to Viet Nam, E" but could not find ANY Nigerian-Vietnamese (as opposed to, say, African-Americans), nor anyone holding any signs to that effect.

After about 35 minutes, I went to some booth in Noi Bai Airport and got a SIM card for my quad-band world fone. Got a Vietnamese fone number and called the owner of my school, Mr Tuan Dang (or, as the Vietnamese would put it, Dang Tuan), and explained to him that I could not find Michael The Nigerian!

Tuan explained to me that both, he and Michael were there. I told them my exact location, then this gaggle of, like, nine people came spilling out of nowhere running up to me and started hugging me. I guess that there are folks who apparently were so excited about the arrival of the skool's first Yankee instructor that they all piled into a van for the two and-a-half hour drive from Hai Phong!

Errmmm........OK! Shit, I can't even git anyone to meet me at PDX or DEN.......

There was much happiness upon locating me at Ha Noi - Noi Bai airport, and a fotograff was taken with me being presented a bouquet of red roses by Dang Tuan's daughter (the pic of that will be in next post).

Again....I can't git anyone to meet me at PDX or DEN.

After a painful two-and-a-half hour van ride back to Hai Phong (where I was educated as to how to state the terms for fornication, male genitalia, and lady of the night in Vietnamese), we arrived at Tuan's estate (and, by Vietnamese standards, this literally IS an estate - it has FOUR CHANNELS of ESPN on a 1080p 52" screen), where we were treated to a splendid repast of food that I could not identify, several pints of Ha Noi brand bia (beer) and a few cigarettes.

I then went to bed and died a happy man......

.......more soon.....

-E-