Day Forty Seven....

"What really went on there?
We only have this excerpt....."
The Fall
Cruisers Creek

Basically, since I had nooooo idea when I'd be back to Tallahassee, since this was thee last night there for me (and I DID swear by that).....

......I hadta make it count!

Shit.....boy did I ever!

I really don't remember much.......lemme piece together what I can remember......plus, i DO remember taking a few pictures......so maybe they'll piece some things together.....

Left Kissimmee around 1PM-ish after brekker at Friendly's.....wanted to get Ice Scream (I love Friendly's....too bad there's, like, ten of 'em left nationwide), but was too full after french toast, so I leave.

Eeeeeeasy ride to Tallahasse.......about 270 miles......perfect weather - some rain......some sun......just right. Pulled in to Chef Bill's estate around 6PM-ish and shortly, we are sipping some very nice Chardonnay.

"Sooo.....whass the game plan for this eve, Ace?" I asked.

Bill responded: "Well...my friend Jesse invited us to a get-tigether and cookout at his place, then I got to take you to The Beta Bar."

"Right! Sounds easy and fun enough......"

Riiiiiiigggght.......famous last words....

So, we grab a couple twelves for this get-together, and head over to Jesse's place.

Fun time.....met some great people and hung out with a few that I had already known.....








OK....lemme see if I can git this straight -
Foreground l to r - Ross, Walt
Background l to r - Jenna, Shelly, Bill, Georgia and Mandy
NOT PICTURED - A whole bunch of people whose names I didn't catch.....









Shelly was kinda hungry......so she was about to have Jenna fotograff her eating the head off of Jenna's wombat (or whatever the hell that thing is). Georgia's eyes turn red with delight during this ritual....the wombat looks bored.....












Jenna


.....and, like midnight or some shit like that, a bunch of us pile into cars and head to this Beta Bar place.

Thass where things get a bit hazy.

It was 80's night there. No band, nothing. Just danse music from that glorious decade....

....now, you've got to understand - I generally despise eighties nights simply because the music that is almost always played during these nights just absolutely fucking blows! It's thee worst of the eighties that some no-talent wankshaft DJ goes out to Wal-Mart and grabs a K-TEL CD called "Remember Those Eighties" or some shit like that, pops it on the sound system, and proceeds to take a nap!

Trust me....from Sarasota to Shanghai and everywhere in between......it's the same tripe played on eighties nights around the Earf.

I have nothing against eighties nights per se, but for Chrissakes, they did put out some good music during that decade.....so play it!!!!!!

This Beta Bar place looked like a serious overload of dry ice and cigarette smoke. Seriously.....literally....you could NOT make out facial definition and features of the person that you were dancing with. This effect may have been done intentionally.....








Tried this shot using a flash - the light from the flash refracted off of the fog/smoke and blared directly back into my face, blinding me for half the evening.....that pic didn't come out.....that fotograff just ended up looking like a bunch of people were dancing outdoors in Portland at nine A.M. sometime in January.

Vaguely remember looking at their beer cooler cabinet, and seeing almost every Goddamm thing that Unibroue puts out available in bottle!!








So, basically......Unibroue products are more readily available in all parts of Florida then they are in Western Canada........interesting.....

Well, I'm certainly NOT one to let an opportunity to enjoy La Fin du Monde go unanswered!!!!

This was a mistake.....La Fin du Monde was never meant to be consumed as a sort of "nightclub beer"......nooooooo......it's a sipping beer that's enjoyed over good food and good conversation with friends!!

When Unibroue products are attempted to be consumed in a nightclub sort of manner, the results are often not favourable......use Labatt Blue for that purpose.

After that point, I can only recall the following -

- I was trying to hold a conversation with Jenna.....but everytime I spoke, words came out identical to the speech pattern of parents and teachers in the Peanuts cartoons.

- I had tried to explain to people that, no, I could NOT stay another night in Tallahassee......simply because I'd probably never leave. And if I did not leave Tallahassee, I'd probably not survive to see my next birthday......

- Chef Bill lost his wallet.......but it was found, with ca$h and plastique cards intact, somewhere near the bar at 2:45am.

- A friend of mine was quite concerned about his latest unrequited love. I advised him that I was thee expert on such situations, and suggested that he stalk this girl aggressively.....

- I consumed some sort of meat-like product from Whattaburger on the ride home. I literally don't remember what it was....but I ate the goddamm pickles that they mistakenly had placed on it. Don't ask me why.....

- Throughout the evening, I took a series of random pictures on the patio of the Beta Bar:









l to r: E, Drew, Jenna, Chef Bill and Rachael









I can't remember this girl's name for the life of me. She told it to me twice, but by that time, it reached my ears in Peanuts adult/teacher/parent speak that I could not comprehend.












So, being frustrated at not being able to comprehend or remember her name, I placed her in a Roddy Piper-like "sleeper hold".










Jimmy and I.










Rachael and Jimmy.












Rachael.












Jimmy and Rachael.












A cool gentleman who refers to himself as "Trek"

I didn't ask.....









Trek, Bill and Jimmy.

I think I finally got into bed at 5AM-ish........

I HAD planned today to grab a motel somewhere vaguely near downtown / midtown Atlanta, and then go hang in Little Five Points, and mellow at The Euclid Street Yacht Club and The Star Bar......and just enjoy life.

As it turned out - A) - Could NOT find ANY room within ten miles of Little Five Points for less than a hundred buxx!!! And B) - Simply the mere thought of hanging at a bar literally sent me into heaving convulsions.....so, yeah.....best that I skipped THAT idea!!!

So I got a really nice extended-stay suite for $39.00 in North Atlanta's sprawling suburbs, lived the strip-mall lifestyle forra night, and took it easy.

A nice, mellow, fun 300 mile ride from Tallahassee to Marietta, Georgia.

Tomorrow's ride? 10 miles. Hanging with my friends Jerry and Ivanna and getting the rear tyre changed out on The Helix.....

-E-

Day Forty Six.....

Rest In Peace, eXplorist 300....

Life was good when I left Hollywood: Got an early start (for once, I actually left BEFORE 10:30am), sun was shining, and I figured to hit Disney World and have pints with Mickey and Goofy by 3pm!!

Shit never happens the way it's planned......does it, now?

A severe thunderstorm came dead outta absolute NOWHERE! I mean, there was dead zero warning.....it was screaming sunshine about two minutes ago......

But this was unlike ANY weather I'd experienced so far on this adventure!! I mean, it was shooting pure sheets of rain that cut visibility to a quarter mile! PLUS, Florida has thee worst drainage of any place on Earf, so this was rapidly developing into a flash flood.......

Crumbs!

Well.....probably not a bad idea to git the hell offa the Interstate, I figured.

Everyone on two wheels ended up cowering underneath an overpass....

.....everyone except the rocket scientist that writes this blog.

Screw that, I figured. I would just hop offa I-95, take U.S. Hwy. 1, cruising gently at 40 to 50 M.P.H. until the storm blows over!

Then......disaster struck......

Apparently, the City of Del Ray, Florida, gave fucking Chessie System (or Conrail, or whatever the hell that huge railroad in the East is called this week) permission to have it's road crossings at three-plus inches above street grade!!!! (Probably so that, whilst the streets went a-flooding, the trains go on uninterrupted).

CN250 hits said tracks, with the hand-held backwoods GPS unit wedged securely between the dashboard and the windscreen......

CN250, E, and the GPS all get biiiiggggg air......and the E finds himself attempting to control the skooter whilst, at the same time, doing a juggling act to save the Magellan from dropping onto the busy street he is currently riding on.....

......keeping control of the bike during an absolute pissing thunderstorm with minor flooding won out over sacrificing one's skooter for a GPS unit......the eXplorist 300 went flying onto the street.

I pulled into a bank parking lot a half-mile down, ran back to the tracks, and found that, while my Magellan can easily withstand being dropped and being submerged in water, it cannot withstand being ran over by five SUVs.....

I almost cried.....

I blame the father of this girl I used to date briefly in high skool.

His name was Phil. He used to call me "trenchcoat" (because I had this cool trenchcoat back in high skool that I used to sometimes wear). I called Phil "man of few words" because he literally never spoke!! He just always fucking grunted!!

"Phil! PHIL!!! Your daughter just won the Nobel Peace Prize in medicine!"

"Mmm *GRUNT*"

"Phil!!! PHIL!!!! You just won $20 million in the New York State Lottery! Congratulations!!!!!"

"Mmm....that's nice.....*GRUNT*"

Phil used to work for Chessie System (or Conrail, or whatever the fuck it's called this week) and he probably asked the City of Del Ray to allow the rail crossings to be elevated three-plus inches above street grade to keep the freight running on time during pissing thunderstorms and minor flooding.

And I also blame those black helicopters and the United Nations one-world-government.....and also chewing the Bubble Yum with the spider eggs in it back in my youth, and......

Soooo.....that sucked!

Had a lot of Geocaching hunts with that GPS..........just kinda pisses me off.......

Made the remainder of the ride to Kissimmee, Florida in sunshine and nice temperatures in about four hours. A pleasant 220 mile ride which was actually quite nice......save for the first 60 miles.....

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Kissimmee is probably one of thee gaudiest places I have ever seen. If you is too poor to stay in one of the resorts inside the Disney Compound, you generally stay here. One huge-ass strip of nothing but motels and places advertising Disney discount admission passes. It was like Las Vegas Boulevard (“The Strip”), except with no buildings over two stories and no gambling and helicopter pads (for tourist flights) every other block. Christ....this place would NEVER pass The City of Beaverton sign code!!! Jesus.....talk about landscape pollution........

Stayed at a place called “The Travelodge Suites” for thirty-nine bucks. Shit....if adding ten more square feet to a standard motel room constitutes a “suite” then I musta stayed in “suites” this entire adventure!!

Hung out with Mickey and Goofy at some pub on Seven Dwarfs Lane (no shit – there is actually a street in Kissimmee called “Seven Dwarfs Lane”), and I was bummed!

Mickey was on his sixth melon ball, Goofy was chugging a sloe gin fizz, and I had a Corona.

Mickey: “Well, E, don't feel to bad. I got word from the guy upstairs that.......”

E: “Guy Upstairs?? Whoozat?? Walt?”

Goofy: “Naw.....Walt's a fucking popsicle!”

E: “Really?”

Goofy: “Whaa? You don't actually believe that snopes.com bullshit, do ya?”

E: “Well....who then? Michael Eisner?”

Mickey: “No, you moron!! God! He told me that your GPS was needed to navigate Tim Russert to heaven.....so it and Tim got called home.....”

E: “Really......? How novel.....”


















Tallahassee redux tomorrow......

-E-

Day Forty Five.....

Me, The Helix and the EEE pc were having a few Coronas ('cause it's too Goddamm hot and humid here to actually attempt to drink any other brand of beer, save for maybe Labatt Bleue) and some cigarettes on the front patio of my friend Mehala's apartment in Hollywood, Florida.....

“Ya know, E,” said the CN250 “the three of us have rang up a lotta miles.”

“He ain't wrong there” said the EEE pc.

“Yeah....Christ.....coast-to-coast the LONG way” I agreed. “Northwest to Southeast. Wow.....”

“Well,” continued The Helix “If you think about it......unless you want to see if I can float......we really cannot get any further from home from this point.....and I mean in all respects – meteorologically, geographically, and culturally.....”

“Shit!!! Tell ME about it!” chimed in the EEE pc. “I mean, if I git anymore of these Goddamm little teensy red ants crawling around my circuit boards, I'm gonna blow a fuse!!!”

“Yeah....and if I get anymore than the two dozen or so weird-ass itchy bites I already have all up and down my legs, I'M gonna blow a fuse!!” I stated.

The Asus and the Honda nodded silently in agreement.....

The Helix continued - “I've been thinking....maybe we should wrap this shit up. Head towards home......we've done enuff and we've seen enuff.....maybe head back North or West......preferably both, actually...."

EEE pc jumped in - “Yeah......I'd reeeaally have to agree there.....”

I finished it there. “Either direction is good....and both are better.....but I gotta few people I have to see first. Agreed. No more South.....no more East. Let's head North tomorrow.......”

We sat in silent agreement for a while.......

.........

“E, if you is gonna kill that last pint, ya want me to go out and grab another sixer?”

“Naw, it'd raise too many eyebrows, Helix. As an old friend of mine from Buffalo was fond of saying – 'Let's call it a night, guys.'”


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Hollywood Downtown was interesting, if not a bit kitschy. Couple cool pubs, restaurants, and a bizarre mix of low-end shops and a few high-end ones.



























Walked into one pub that actually served Black Jack Porter (my second-favourite porter of all time, behind Alaska Smoked Porter)! I've NEVER seen that outside of the State of Colorado! Whilst it still tasted amazing, it was about as comforting drinking a porter in South Florida in mid-June as it is to turn on the air-conditioning in Western New York in January!!

Still, though......had an awesome time in South Florida! For which, I owe Mehala, her folks, and her friends Nick and Karen a huge thank you! Always making sure that I was never hungry and always making sure that I had a nice place to crash during my Hollywood segment of this ride.

LOTSA cool stuff. Mehala got me hooked onto a really cool (albeit no longer aired) TV show called Firefly, and had an amazing South Indian feast for Thursday Night's dinner.....courtesy of Mr. and Mrs. V (pictured below with Mehala at left) -









Really weird place Mehala's parents reside in. I mean, it has a drop-dead stunning view from their balcony......but structurally, it really reminded me of certain sections of Toronto......except the area had nothing resembling a vibrant urban atmosphere, but does possess a view of Biscayne Bay that really makes any view from a tower on Jarvis street, seem, well.....lame!


Had one of thee biggest highlights of this adventure on Friday when we went kayaking in Biscayne Bay (no pics - didn't want the digital camera going forra swim). Thanks a million to Full Moon Kayak.......check 'em here

Followed by a dinner Thursday Night in South Beach at Nick and Karen's place, and a relaxing evening at a sports pub drinking beers and watching karaoke!

But still.....cooler and less humid climates await.....we're halfway now......and it's time to begin the ride home.....

Rest in peace, Tim Russert......Go Bills!

Gonna stop and have a mickey with Mickey tomorrow in Kissimmee......

-E-

Day Forty Three.....

Made it in Hollywood, Florida today. Kinda an irritating ride of 283 miles, as it DID seem to go pleasantly from Oldsmar along Florida State Highway 70 through a town called Okeechobee and then diagonally along a road called Highway 710 and, after about 60 miles on that road......

..........I made it.

I saw the Atlantic Ocean.

Coast to coast......not even the direct route, but the loooonng-ass route, thru Los Angeles, South Texas, etc. etc.

I fucking DID IT!

Wow.....shit.....I can't believe I did this! Actually, I deserve nothing!!!! I can't believe that The Helix has done this!!!!!

I then stopped being in awe of myself and my machine, and looked at the map in West Palm Beach, Florida. OK....hmmm....this "Florida Turnpike" thingy and this "Interstate 95" thingy both appear to go identically in the same exact direction, but ten miles apart from each other. Well, fuck this, then.....me is taking this Interstate 95 thingy......I mean, hey.....it's free.

Errrmm.....right.

Get onto this Interstate 95......

....and LITERALLY, physically, NOTHING fucking moves AT ALL!!

Wrong again......

So I ride the shoulder to get off at the next exit, ride ten miles on West Palm Beach city streets, and get to this "Florida Turnpike" to take that into Hollywood....

....aaaaah!! NO traffic.

Now, I DESPISE with a furious passion the entire idea of Lexus Lanes (being the Socialist that I am)....literally makes me sick!! Sadly, though.....I was already an hour late offa my arrival time, and my friend Mehala was expecting me at 6PM (it was 8PM by the time I pulled into Hollywood, Florida)....and I did NOT have really much choice.

Shit, though....people bitch about the mainline New York State Thruway?? See how much these people pay here in terms of the toll-road-miles-per-dollar ratio.....it really does make the Thruway seem like a bargain!!

Mehala met me at her front door with a few bottles of Corona and a steak!

JUST what I needed......

.....more tomorrow.....

-E-

Day Forty.....



















First off, before we git to the fotojournal of the Tampa Bay area, I really wanna thank my Cousin Deanna, her father (and also my cousin) Danny, and Danny's wife, Paula. Just incredible generosity and hospitality has been shown to me by these folks, as I ate like a porker and drank like hell. Thanx sooooo much, guys.......

Now.....pics -










On the pier at Clearwater Beach, Florida. (L to R) Me, Deanna, Paula, and Danny










Deanna and I, Monday evening at this place on Clearwater Beach that served an all-the-snow-crab-legs-you-can-eat special that, like, eight of us all indulged in....










Sunset on the pier.......Clearwater, Florida













"No.....seriously!! OK....listen, listen - if ya let me crash at your place, I'll clean your entire house and make food.....seriously!! Deal?? Otherwise, my ass is out on the beach for the night....."










Danny and I at this pub Deanna works at called The Oldsmar Tap House. Check 'em.....GREAT place.......













And this is Tony, the proprietor of The Oldsmar Tap House, as he presents me with a 17th anniversary edition beer brewed by Unibroue. Something I had never seen nor even heard of before! And he tossed it to me gratis!! Truly my new best friend.....

Heading out to Hollywood, Florida tomorrow morning.....

-E-

Day Thirty Nine....


An uneventful and very easy ride from Tallahassee to the Tampa Bay Area with the exception of the fact that I could not locate Oldsmar, Florida....the suburb that my cousin lives in, and everyone I asked gave me conflicting directions on HOW to get to Oldsmar (NONE of which were correct - see??? THAT'S why men generally don't ask for directions)!!!

Rode in a wonderful rainstorm for the last 20 minutes of the ride.

WHY was it "wonderful"??

Hmmm.....well, after Tallahassee's oppressing humidity and stifling temperatures, this was an 83 degree rain shower.....rain wasn't cold, but cool....and it just felt really nice!! Tampa is a world of difference from Tallahassee in terms of climate!! Bein' near the Gulf will do that for ya!!

All in all, a mellow, easy cruise of 250 miles that I coulda slept through.

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Saw a few things I was wondering about......

Saw this license plate -










OK...now, I generally have mixed opinions on the entire abortion issue, but IRREGARDLESS what views you have of the issue, government shouldn't be putting out STATE/TAXPAYER-FUNDED license plates like this. NOR should they offer a license plate that says "Keep Abortion Legal" or something like that!!

It just really, reeeaaalllly strongly implies the state's official blessing of a certain political, personal, religious, etc. view on an issue.

THAT is just wrong......

I mean, no......just about all of the other optional license plates are fine. Like, in Buffalo, you can get a New York State license plate of The Buffalo Bills.....and New York State had Goddamm BETTER offer it's official blessing of the Bills (since they ARE THEE ONLY FOOTBALL TEAM that plays within the borders of New York State).

I myself have a Crater Lake license plate issued by the State of Oregon (I think that the State of Oregon supporting Crater Lake National Park is not going to cause much controversy), and even the Colorado optional license plate that says "Respect Life" on it is cool, because the label on the plate is of a Columbine flower (Colorado's official state flower) and it was issued simply to remember the horrors of the 1999 Columbine High School nightmare. Even though the anti-abortion zealots have tried to hijack this "respect life" plate and twist it to fit their own agenda, there is ZERO State of Colorado sanctioning for that view on the respect-life state-funded license plate!!

I don't know WHAT Louisiana is thinking.....but Florida has one of these type plates, too...and the meaning is obvious....anti-abortion.

Things and issues like that, pro or con, should be left offa license plates.....



But it was this pic that inflamed my fury -

I mean, ENUFF IS ENUFF!!! I mean, throughout history, have we not had enuff hatred and abuse heaped upon European-Americans in the Deep South....and now this!!

INEXCUSABLE!!!!









I mean, thee most offensive part about this is that it is STATE-SANCTIONED racism, brought to you by the Florida State Park Service!!!

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OK.....reeeeaaaalllly sorry....but this is going to be THE FINAL adjustment for the remainder of the Tampa/Oldsmar to Buffalo section of the ride. I'm really up against a few deadlines......


FT. LAUDERDALE / HOLLYWOOD – Wednesday 11 June 2008

TALLAHASSEE (redux - ONE NIGHT ONLY) - Sunday 15 June 2008

ATLANTA – Monday 16 June 2008

VIRGINIA BEACH – Friday 20 June 2008

D.C. / ALEXANDRIA – Saturday 21 June 2008

NEW YORK CITY – Sunday 22 June 2008

MONTREAL – Tuesday 24 June 2008

WILSON – Thursday 26 June 2008

BUFFALO – Friday 27 June 2008

BRUCE BEACH – Thursday July 3rd, 2008

Trust me....this schedule CANNOT BE FURTHER ADJUSTED.....'cause I'm already running outta time....sooooo, except for The Helix up and dying (God forbid) or something weird like that....go by the scheduled dates above! That is pretty much the gospel truth from now on out!

A whole buncha of pics from Tampa.....next post.

-E-

Day Thirty Five.......

I shoulda known that there'd be days like this......part Trois.....

I think I can now wonder why I have failed to properly utilise my formal education in Geography......

Left Dauphin Island around noon Wednesday the 4th, headed toward Tallahassee. Called my friend Bill and he advised me that Pensacola, Florada was maybe an hour-and-a-half from Tallahassee, and, from what I could judge, Dauphin Island did NOT APPEAR to be a vast distance from Pensacola.

“Cool, Bill.......look for me around 6pm-ish.....maybe even 5pm-ish.....”

I didn't Mapquest it because there was no Internet on Dauphin Island and I just took Bill's word for the distances and also figured that the scale on my shitty little road atlas was absolutely accurate in showing that Dauphin Island was a very short distance from Pensacola. Putting these two things together, I had ballparked the total distance between Dauphin Island and Tallahassee at around 180 miles.......

......riiiight.........try more like an actual distance (which I would find out after the fact) of 300 miles!!!

Remember the old General Motors concave side view mirrors that they popped into the cars during the 1980's?? “Objects in mirror are closer than they appear”??

Shit.....not in this case. Places in real life were further than they appeared in my very limited Geographic resources (which consist of a back-country/hiking GPS unit that shows major roads and tells NOTHING about them.....and a micro/pocket-sized road atlas of the USA, 'bout the size of one of those cheezy-ass horoscope books that you see at the checkouts at supermarkets), thass for sure!

OK, so, first off, to head East, I hafta take a ferry!! Way cool boat ride.....but I didn't factor that it'd hit me up for 45 minutes of my time.....

.....cool.....so take a state highway running along the coast, then I figure that, once I get past Fort Walton Beach and take something called Highway 20, that runs East-West, but is located a good deal inland off of The Gulf.....then I'll be on open, scenic back-country roads and life will be good......

....errrmmm........no.

Saw thee same exact shit over and over for more than one hundred miles – Walgreen's, followed by a CVS, followed by a massive condo development, followed by some restaurant, then another Walgreen's and then another condo development......

....now also factor in that the speed limits on these roads (which, again, according to my very limited geographic resources, looked fairly remote) was, like, 35 M.P.H. to 45 M.P.H.

Ooooh.....yeah.....forgot: Also add traffic lights every fucking ONE-FIFTH OF A MILE!!!!

This DID have “suck” written all over it.

Now, I keep saying “....according to my very limited Geographic resources....” simply because if I had a full-blown big-ass NORMAL-SIZED Rand McNally Road Atlas (thass, like, 24 inches high by 18 inches wide)......THAT would have shown these roads SHADED IN YELLOW.....which indicates a built-up/over-developed area..... thus, I'd have then avoided them. Problem being, WHERE THE HELL in my skooter and backpack was I going to store such a huge road atlas???















My micro/pocket-sized road atlas and my back-country GPS do not tell me this information.....and the best I could go on was by judging where the location of the road is in relation to the location of towns and cities, so doing that, I could calculate a rough idea of just how built-up and over-developed these roads would be......

....well, that really worked well, then, didn't it?

Finally, I had figured that if I kept on these roads, following a looping cartoon background of Walgreen's, CVS Pharmacy, massive condo development, generic restaurant, Walgreen's, CVS....etc. etc., AND FACTORING IN 35 M.P.H. to 45 M.P.H. speed limits with red lights every one-fifth of a mile......

....it woulda been about 2AM by the time I got to Tallahassee.....

Naw.....I don't think so.

Time to cheat again......

So, I hop on Interstate 10 again, then I see a sign halfway thru Florida on I-10 stating “Now entering Eastern Time Zone”

SHIT!!! Forgot about that!! I just lost another hour!!!!

So look at another sign that states the distance to Tallahassee (109 miles from where I had decided to jump on the interstate) and looked at my petrol. Well, screw it.....this thing at DEAD MINIMUM will go one hundred and fifty-five miles on a tank of petrol (USUALLY squeezing out around 175 to 180 miles on a full tank of petrol before shit starts getting scary). My trip odometer says I've done 47 miles since fill-up.....that makes a total to Tallahassee of 156 miles on this tank of petrol......no worries......

On I-10, the gaz tank gauge starts flashing at Exit 179.

Thee main exit into Tallahassee is Exit 199.

When the last red brick on the fuel gauge starts flashing (seven green bricks means a full tank [as shown below], and the last brick will first turn solid red, indicating less than one gallon of petrol in the tank), it means ½ a gallon and at least 25 miles of road left in your tank.















Good. I'll hop off at thee main Tallahassee exit (Exit 199) twenty miles from here and get some petrol!! Should have a MINIMUM of ten miles to spare.....

Apparently not.......

....The Helix died on the fucking OFF-RAMP of exit 199! Just guzzled the gaz!!! Died at 151 miles on that tank of petrol.

I could NOT believe this.......I went from doing 175....180 miles traveled on a full tank when I left Portlandia to 151 miles now on a full tank!!! STILL can't figure why The Helix is pulling this shit......maybe it just doesn't like Interstates??

So, I call my friend Bill, leave a message advising him that it's 7:25pm right now, and I really misjudged the distance of this leg, totally forgot about entering the Eastern Time Zone and losing an hour, and NOW, i just ran outta fucking gaz!!!! Called AAA.....so expect to see me at your pad at 8:45pm!

The AAA dispatch said that someone would be responding around 8:10pm to 8:20pm.....

.....Bill calls back, offers to come fetch me. Not at all wishing to put him through the aggravation, I tell him that AAA is on the way!!!

Then, the tow-truck driver phones me at 8:40pm (whilst I am literally getting my ass GNAWED UP ALIVE by mosquitoes) and says he's on his way to the petrol station and will see me in 20 minutes or so!

He calls me back ten minutes later -

“Uhhh....the jerk who used this truck before me apparently forgot to put the petrol can back in it. Uhhh.....I have no petrol can!!”

So, I hafta sit there and wait until ANOTHER truck comes by and gets me my petrol.....

Now, I woulda walked up the off-ramp up to the main street, but there were trees blocking my view, thus I had zero idea WHAT (if anything) was up there, and the off-ramp was at least a mile-and-a-half long!

.....didn't get to Bill's house until 9:45pm!

Still, Bill's a professional chef.....and, upon arrival, freshly grilled barbecue chicken and some Coronas made the hell fade away.

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Tallahassee was kinda a huge blur.....every time I come here, I intend on staying for one, maybe two days.........and somehow end up leaving after almost a week..... drinking more pints than necessary with all these weird twenty-something kids......

Few pics of Tallahassee and the ride to Tallahassee -

















One of the smartest birds I know.......hopped on the boat ramp at Dauphin Island, and never left until the boat docked at Fort Morgan....never paid a cent, either, for the ride!










Up close view of those lovely oil platforms from the ferry boat.


Short video from the ferry....











In Bill's backyard, my friend Drew blathering about some sort of philosophical point or another.....











THIS is kinda a nasty pic of Bill and his paramour, Georgia (they both are a LOT more attractive than this in real life)....but still, it gives you an idea just HOW bad the humidity here in Tallahassee actually is! It's not measured in percentage of relative humidity........it's measured in FOOT-POUNDS!!! Makes Vietnam and Thailand seem like a Goddamm DESERT by comparison!!!!











Me and Bill at St. Michael's Pub in Tallahassee

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OK....have a better idea of arrival dates for the the next few upcoming cities -

TAMPA / OLDSMAR – Sunday 08 June 2008

FT. LAUDERDALE / HOLLYWOOD – Tuesday 10 June 2008

TALLAHASSEE (redux - ONE NIGHT ONLY) - Friday 13 June 2008

ATLANTA – Saturday 14 June 2008

VIRGINIA BEACH – Wednesday 18 June 2008

D.C. / ALEXANDRIA – Thursday 19 June 2008

NEW YORK CITY – Friday 20 June 2008

MONTREAL – Sunday 22 June 2008

WILSON – Wednesday 25 June 2008

BUFFALO – Thursday 26 June 2008

BRUCE BEACH – Thursday July 3rd, 2008



THESE ARE ESTIMATES ONLY.......PLEEEEAAAASE KEEP THAT IN MIND!!!!

Exact Buffalo to Portland dates (Wasaga Beach, Seattle, Rapid City, Reno, et. al.) will be posted July 7th.

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The Levellers released a new single and video the day before my birthday called "Burn, America, Burn"

The title is a serious misnomer, as the song actually has to do with violence in society than any real or perceived hatred towards Americans.......and was rumoured to have been written shortly after the Virginia Tech Massacre.....

Still though....the lads have really outdone themselves this time. Probably their best stuff since Levelling The Land.

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Off towards Tampa in about an hour.......


-E-

Days Thirty Three and Thirty Four.......

Took off Monday Morning from Suburban Houston. Spent a very relaxing weekend catching up with my cousins and enjoying some incredibly generous hospitality from my cousins and hosts, Barry and Mary, some killer food from my cousin Jennifer's paramour, Ryan (who not only caught all of the fish somewhere out in the Gulf of Mexico the day before, but he also grilled them to perfection for Saturday's feast) as well as from my cousin Barry Junior (who, as it happens, is a professional chef) at a pool party at his house on Sunday afternoon.

Was also lucky enough to be able to meet some of the new(er) additions to the family – Darryn and Jennifer's daughter Josie (who's now, like, a year-and-a-half old.....shows ya how long it's been since I caught up with some of my cousins), Barry Junior and Amy's eight-week-old son Trey (Barry The Third), and I finally got to meet my cousin Kelly's two sons (one of whom is still afraid of me!)

Thanx soooo much, guys.......I hope that soon I have the opportunity to return the hospitality that you all have shown me!



Swung by Honda of Houston Monday Morning on way way out heading Eastbound. They actually HAD the mysterious front tyre for The Helix IN STOCK (EXTREMELY ODD)!!!!! PLUS, it was, like, ten buxx more than thee cheapest price I had found for the tyre on the Internet (factoring in shipping, it actually was the SAME price) and they only tagged me $30 to pop it on there!!! And I told 'em to take their swee 'ole time about it.....but it was done in less than an hour!!

GOOD folk........check 'em here - Honda of Houston

Left the Houston Metro area with a new Bridgestone on my front wheel, and I had no set destination for the evening's lodging whatsoever. But, after spending a three-day-weekend on what felt like a Club Med vacation thanks to my cousins, I was really in need of riding!!!

So......just rode and rode and rode.....

Hit Baton Rouge, Louisiana at a fairly reasonable hour (like, 7pm CDT) and pulled into a Waffle House. Asked how far to Noo Awleans, and the kind folk there told me about 75 miles. I had already registered 325 miles so far today, and I DID give the idea more than a passing consideration.......but the fact was that I had a bad case of N.A.S. (Numb Ass Syndrome – which strikes EVERY two-wheeled rider after about.....oooooh......250 miles or so), and figured just stay here tonight (stay in Baton Rouge.....not at Waffle House).

Baton Rouge is a strange place economically. Thing such as motel rooms.....groceries.....petrol.....Waffle House meals.....just every basic thing tends to cost a good amount more here than in most other places. Yet.....YET......nobody here has a pot to piss in!

STILL trying to figure out how folks here make ends meet.

Ended up at one of thee nastiest motels I have stayed in for a while. Now, the Royal Inn in Eureka, California had held that title, but whilst the walls and vent system was paper-thin to the point where whispers could almost be heard outside the front door of the room, and even though it appeared to have more temporary residents than actual traveling folks doing nightly room rentals, physically, the The Royal Inn motel itself was sound structurally. I mean, locks.....toilet....plumbing....TV....etc. etc. etc. were allright.

In Baton Rouge, I dropped fiddy-three buxx on a Motel 6 that Tom Bodett would just about shit his pants if he were forced to stay there! A few broken beer bottles strewn about the property, Wi-Fi that ya hadta pay extra for (and didn't work), guests who roamed around the grounds drinking tins of malt liquor outta a paper bag, (veeerrry friendly folk, though.....one gentleman and I got into a thoughtful discussion about the merits of the Honda Elite 80)....but that was the exterior.

The room itself had this weird-ass dormitory feel to it, with hardwood floors (which I really liked, but was it more for style or for practicality in that how long would a carpet last in that dump?), a lamp that had the plug-end of the wiring cut off and looked like it was either garbage-picked or abandoned (or both – garbage-picked, THEN abandoned.......abandoned in my Motel 6 room), exposed wiring hanging from the ceiling, and a major leak from the bottom of the toilet. and the safety/peek latch on the door looked like it had been previously forced from the outside. Needless to say, I didn't sleep very well, wondering if I would see The Helix in the AM.

Turns out, I needn't have worried. The Helix was just fine where I had parked it. So, grabbed a brekker at Waffle House and ran into a Kinko's to use their Wi-Fi, and tried to figure out where the next destination would be.

Saw a place on Mapquest that looked way off the beaten path (yet was on the way.....kinda/sorta.....to tomorrow's destination of Tallahassee, Florida) and it looked neat on a map. Plus, it would be an easy 225 miles riding from Baton Rouge. Did some research, found thee only motel there, and decided to go to Dauphin Island, Alabama!

I cheated.

Saw the Internet research I had done, looked at the location, and I figured “Fuck it! I hafta git there with at least three hours of daylight left! Wanna vege out on a Gulf Coast beach and go swimming! Rules be dammed!!!”

So I took Interstate 10 for about 195 of those 225 miles........

......vowed that I'd NOT take Interstates........but time was of the essence this day!

Got onto the island via a two-mile big-ass bridge, and found my motel easily enough (was thee only motel on this island, best as I could tell). Nice room......very much on the pricey side ($95)......but......BUT.....

....this island is worth it!


It is very eco-friendly (ALABAMA????), has a bird sanctuary (which I really wanted to hike through, but time constraints precluded that idea), a couple fun pubs (which you can smoke in), a powder-sugar beach, and a decent-sized forest preserve.

Only drawbacks were -

A) - You really hafta git there NOW.....as they are going absolutely apeshit with the condo construction......and

B) - Upon arrival at the beach, I looked out over the vast and beautiful Gulf of Mexico.......

.......and, roughly five miles out, under a clear blue sky......


.......I see five oil rig platforms......
















.......man, talk about a total fucking buzzkill!



Still, though........I really, really enjoyed Dauphin Island. It must have absolutely stunning ten years ago. Get here now whilst you still can.....

Tallahassee, next post......

-E-

Some of us.....

....are Geographically oriented.....or picture-oriented.

Others of us can grasp the text and make it work wonders for what they need it to do.

I like maps and picture books myself (Was looking all over Texas forra copy of "My Pet Goat" but couldn't find it anywhere). So, for those of you who, like myself, fall into the former category, I'm gonna give us all some reference material.....

So, let's start with the first leg of the ride.....from Cedar Mill, Oregon to West Denver, Colorado.....including all stops and total mileage -















2248 miles for this leg.


Now, From West Denver, Colorado to Katy, TX (including a side trip to White Sands, New Mexico).......














1669 miles for this leg.....




Thus, so far, I've ridden 3917 miles.

Shit.....and I'm nowhere even NEAR the halfway point of this adventure......

Interesting......I had given myself a ballpark mileage of 9,000 to 11,000 total miles for this entire thing! Given that I hafta do pretty much all corners of Florida, duck back inland to Atlanta, and then duck back outland* to the Outer Banks of North Carolina up to Virginia Beach......and later, on up to Montreal and then Buffalo........THINK me may have underestimated my mileage.....

Such is life.....

More Tuesday......

-E-


* - "Outland" is a new Geographical term that I just made up. Look for it soon in travelogues everywhere.....