As an addendum.....

.....to the last post -

I had attempted to research more about Mister Kitchen......

....but, sadly, most of what I found was in Vietnamese, and my Vietnamese language ability isn't really that sharp this week.

Sooo.....talked to some of the members of an English Language club that my friend runs here in Hai Phong.

• The story of Mister Kitchen goes back at least a coupla thousand years. The holidays official name is Ông Táo chầu trời...which, taken word by word, means "He apple court sun" "Ông Táo/He Apple" I assume means "Mister Apple." I think the student that said "Mister Kitchen rides a fish to the sky" was referring to THE PLACE where this mysterious "Mister Apple" tends to hang out.....

• Mister Apple's place is indeed the kitchen. The way I have pieced together the stories that I have been told by several different people is that this kitchen spirit (Mister Apple, I'm presuming), hangs around your kitchen and observes your house. And, on his holiday (which is five days before Tet), he goes and rides a fish (although some sources say that he mounts three fish) to the sky to report on if your family has been naughty or nice during the past year to "The Boss" (I have STILL not had it made clear to me WHO EXACTLY this deity is that Mister Apple reports to). Sound familiar??

• Mister Apple then spills the beans to "The Boss" and the good households are the ones who will have their kitchen well-stocked all year long, while the bad households are the ones who will get a lump of coal in their kettle!

And that, children, is the story of Mister Apple.......

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Coulda used some apples as prizes........

OK, so I had a class tonight of seventh-graders. After we trudge through what I am told to instruct them in the wild and crazy Government-Approved textbook, I'll usually have some sort of fun competitive game involving the English language......then the top five students OR the students on the winning team (depending on if it's a sort of individual game or a team competition) will get a pack of gum for each winning student (or something like that) and the rest of the kids will usually get some sort of small pieces of candy (or something like that).

Well, today, I bought a roll of about 14 Oreo cookies and three packs of two of WHAT APPEARED TO BE cookie-like biscuits or shortbread or SOMETHING along those lines.

So, I offered the winning team the choice: They can divide the roll of Oreos amongst themselves, or they can take the three packs of cookie/biscuit thingies (two cookie/biscuits per pack) and divide those.

Well, usually, all the kids leave happy, and fun was had after all!

This time, the winning team selected the Oreos and so the non-winning team got the cookie/biscuit thingies.

Class ended.

"Errrmm.....look, Hon - the kids on the non-winning team left their biscuit/cookie thingies behind. Whaaa....?? Why?"

"My Anh yêu ơi......why would you buy those things for children?"

"WHAAAA.....? I thought that kids like biscuits and cookies and such.....??"

"Uhhhh.....yeah, but those things that you bought aren't biscuits and cookies........they are Army food."

[Blank expression on my face accompanied by silence]

"Yes, they are solid biscuits of rice, meat, and vegetables....pushed down into a small form. Army fighters eat this when they take long walks....."

"So waaaai a sec here - you're saying that I bought the kids M.R.E.'s??!!??"

"Hon, I do not understand - what is an MRE? Is it like an enemy?"

"No, Hon....that is a British pop music newspaper.......though I'm sure they'd have appreciated THAT a lot more than these thingies...."

....you'd really hafta see this -

Emmm-Kay....so, it looks like a normal packet of cookie-biscuit thingies.....

But upon further review........

Yeah, I think of all six M.R.E.'s, one girl, out of the Vietnamese custom of politeness, ate 20% of one of the things.......

Pics, pics and more pics.......next post....

-E-

Errmmm....can I please have some of those 'shrooms that ya got there......?

Was teaching a class tonight on festivals and holidays, and we were going into various US and Vietnamese festivals and holidays. So, to get the kids actually speaking (always a chore), I had them ask me about different holidays observed in America. Then, I randomly picked a couple of Vietnamese holidays offa Wikipedia that I had never heard of before and I had asked them questions about those holidays.

One of them was something called Giỗ tổ Hùng Vương, which was created to honour the Hung Kings, who ruled Vietnam around 250 B.C. or so. The second was an unofficial holiday (like Halloween or Valentine's Day) called Ông Táo chầu trời. Now Wikipedia called this "Kitchen Guardians" (which is what I am when I am cooking and Tam walks in and tries to force me to stop cooking and instead eat some lovely, mouth-watering Vietnamese food that her mother has prepared).

So I ask some girls in the class to tell me what this translates to and what this holiday is about.

After a few minutes of silence, one of the girls said "Mister Kitchen rides on a fish into the sky"

SEVERE Jerry Brown-look......

....I sat there, silent, for, like two minutes digesting this....all the while having flashbacks of when Dewey Cox meets The Beatles in India and was inspired to do some artwork on the board.....

So, what I got was that back in the day (last week, meebee....I dunno), they used to burn straw to heat and cook foods in kitchens in Vietnam. This created much smoke, and therefore, Mister Kitchen was a sooty-faced character (kinda like a chimney sweep, I'd imagine) and he would ride a fish (no, not a shark) up into the heavens to report on people to the higher powers........

.....sounds fascinating.......weird, but fascinating. I haven't been this captivated by folklore since I read about Skunny-Wundy......

....although, if I ever write a book about my experiences residing in Vietnam, it's gonna be titled: "Mister Kitchen rides a fish into the sky"

Still, though, later.....after class sitting down with a pint, I thought about it: I mean, imagine some Vietnamese person coming to the U.S. with NOOOOO idea of American/Western folklore, and some person tells him how, over there, they celebrate a holiday where a fat, old Cracka guy with a flowing white beard flies through the sky on a sleigh pulled by flying deer, dropping off presents to good little boys and girls.....so, it's all in perspective, I guess......

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Saw a website that just really pissed me off.......

I mean, the sheer and utter arrogance and ignorance and lack of personal accountability by placing blame on others that this guy displays is unreal! Dude - it's a third-world country! You claim that you've travelled all over the planet!! Is it the fault of the Vietnamese that you are either too ignorant to actually bargain and negotiate or just simply walk away to the next vendor (and they're all over the Goddamm place....'specially in Ha Noi) if you don't get the price that you desire?

Is it their fault that by, being dirt-poor and trying to save on property taxes (that happen to be based on the length of street frontage that your building faces....thusly, the skinny houses), they made their houses and hotels high and narrow for that reason?? Is it their fault that you knocked up your wife and they should accommodate YOU and ONLY YOU by building lower, wider hotels???

Hate their language? How the fuck you think YOUR language sounds to them? (As an aside, my wife has told me that when Hai Phong's few English speakers get together and talk over beers, that it sounds to her like a live lobster being spun in a blender while 500 sewing machines are going full-speed in the background). And to compare their spoken language tonal patterns to a developmentally disabled person?

Christ - I'd compare your (in)ability to write an objective, narrative piece to that of a developmentally disabled person......but that would be insulting to the mentally-challenged.

I mean, oh, no doubt - I got my issues with Vietnam.....several of 'em as a matter of fact....but it's part of the adventure....ya learn to live and deal with stuff like this (and a lot of additional things that this wankshaft didn't mention) on a daily basis! IF I were to ever say that I hated Vietnam, well, shit - I (and several others) have earned that right by residing here for longer than two weeks!

I could tear this brain-surgeon's points apart piece-by-piece........but I fear I've wasted enuff time and given this wankshaft enuff undeserved attention, so I'll leave it at that.

Later on, did a bit of looking around on this guy's web production, and found out that he's some sort of I.T. geek. Figgers, I though to myself......here we go with the entitlement mentality.

I had resided in a High-Tech boomtown during the height of that bullshit, and watched rents in my little Bohemian hipster neighbourhood go through the fucking roof as these artificially over-paid I.T. dipshits were moving in (they somehow found time to move into my 'hood when they weren't busy playing foosball and fucking ping-pong at work all day) and driving up rents with their $80,000-plus/year salaries (which they would incessantly defend over trendy-ass martinis about how they deserve every penny, if not more)....

....needless to say, as much as I asbo-fucking-lutely despise Capitalism, I was dancing on the streets when the market self-corrected this artificial over-valuation and created the dot-com "crash" of '01 and rents started coming back down to more reasonable levels.....

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OK, rant done.....not enuff pics on this blog recently. Next post, in a few days.....nothing but fotograffs.....

-E-

As most of you already know......

....(via myself telling you directly, hearing from friends of friends, stalking me, Facebook or whatever other medium), I got married a couple months ago and we gots a shortie on da way. So last week, I was at my wife's parent's house during a gathering of the family on the anniversary of my wife's grandfather's death. ONLY NOW are they just starting to celebrate birthdays in Viet Nam as, in the past and still today, it is important that all family and friends of a deceased relative gather together on the anniversary date of the death of said relative.

I had first encountered this when I was in my homeland of Portlandia and I was going out with a bunch of co-workers of mine back when I worked for the City of Portland. I had enquired as to where one of my co-workers was, a Viet-Kieu (Vietnamese-who-resides-overseas) and why she hadn't joined us. I was told that she is with her family, as this was the anniversary of her grandmother's death.

Knowing nothing about Vietnamese culture at the time, I was aghast - "How fucking morbid is THAT??? Jesus, that gathering's gotta be a laff-a-minute!" I thought to myself.

Well, having been to a few in Hai Phong, it kinda is, actually. Basically, what occurs is a feast is prepared and placed before the family altar and incense is lit and prayers are said......

.....and then everybody goes downstairs and eats like a porker and smokes packs of cigarettes and drinks beer and does shots of vodka. This is no shit! And it's usually scheduled around lunchtime.

Now, our foto albums of both, our engagement ceremony and our wedding both reside at Tam's parent's house. So folks were browsing through them, and the discussion came to the subject of weddings.

Now, in Viet Nam, the way it goes is that the gypsy fortune teller advises the parents of the bride and groom the LUCKIEST DATE on which to hold the engagement ceremony and the wedding. Then, you have an engagement ceremony. Then a few months later, the wedding is held at a restaurant, usually during The National Nap time (11:00AM - 2:00PM), and people come and eat like porkers and drink like hell.....and it's all over around two-thirty or so. The only weird thing is that the bride and groom and parents have to personally visit each table to make sure the guests are having fun and then the bride and groom hafta stand at the door for about an hour saying good-bye and thank you until EVERYBODY has departed....then the family and very close friends retire upstairs and drink and eat on their own!

So, during the hanging-around-and-drinking part of the gathering to honour Tam's grandfather, one of Tam's uncles had asked: "What are wedding ceremonies like in the U.S.?"

Now, one of the many things that I love about my wife is her ability, through translation, to make The E appear to NOT be such a complete asshole when, without translation, his statements and actions go straight past the highest limits of the ole' Asshole-O-Meter.

Example -

E: "Hon, tell this wankshaft that there is noooo fucking WAY in highest hell that I am going to (do/say/pay) that! Tell him that he can go straight to hell and that if he has a problem with my (actions/statements/offer), then I will (no longer shop here anymore/go to the relevant authorities/kick his ass)!!"

Tam [speaking in Vietnamese to the other party]: "I am very sorry, sir, but, it is with much sadness that my husband feels that he must gently disagree with your position. Perhaps a suitable counter-offer can lead to a mutually satisfying agreement and much happiness for all involved :-)"

So, after several pints, in response to this question, I had answered to her uncle: "Ahhhh, yes, the American wedding. Well, sir, I have been to many (actually, I haven't missed a single one that I have had the honour of having been invited to), and they can generally be broken down into two components. The first being 'The Suffering' and the second being 'The Fun'. The suffering is where you get all dressed up in a monkey suit and you go to a church and you endure anywhere from one to three hours on a painfully hard wooden bench and, for some of that time, depending on the religion, kneeling on a hard wooden ledge, all the while listening to some guy preach to you about what a fuck-up you are. This is meant to make you feel like you are taking part in an actual re-creation of the same degree of suffering that the Christian icon, Jesus Christ, is said to have gone through."

"Then, much like how religion in America says the afterlife is, after the suffering, you get to attend 'The Fun' as your reward for your eternal patience and unyielding faith!! 'The Fun' is where everybody departs from the church and goes to a very large room and eats like porkers and drinks like fish. IF the bride's family (since all of this is on their tab) is of the true genuine Christian spirit of giving, the drinks will be gratis. IF they are heathens disguising themselves as Christians, then there will be a ca$h bar.....but either way, a good time is almost always had by all. There is much merriment, and entertainment is provided by a person we call a 'disc-jockey' who will play a sacred song called 'The Hokey-Pokey' where everybody stands up and gathers in a circle and performs a bizarre ritualistic dance to this song. Additional entertainment is provided later in the evening when the best man mysteriously slips off somewhere forra couple hours with one of the bridesmaids (whilst his wife frantically asks everybody if they have seen him), and when a fight or near-fight breaks out, and the bride ends up in tears."

Tam translates this to her uncle.......

....and I have NEVER seen a Jerry Brown look on a Vietnamese person's face until that time.

A strange and awkward silence permeates the room forra few minutes, and then her uncle tells us that he is very sorry that he could not attend our wedding, as his daughter got married on the same date in Hanoi (must have the same gypsy fortune teller as Tam's family).

"Oh, gosh! Don't worry......no need to apologise! Of course we understand." I said. "That is wonderful!!! Congratulations!!!"

"Yes, it was." He responded. He then proceeded to whip out his digital camera - "Here - here are some photographs of her wedding."

He hands me the camera, and I have a look at all the foftgraffs. Something seems off, though, about the whole thing....can't figger out WHAT exactly........

......then it comes to me: His daughter got married IN A CHURCH!!!

"Errrmmm.....Hon??? You....uhhhh....didn't translate what I just said to your uncle in verbatim, did you?"

"Yes, of course, Honey....why do you ask?"

I could tell that she was just loving this.......the twinkle in her eye......the smirk on the corner of her mouth........trying not to laff whilst observing the look of panic on my face......

A total horseshit website that I saw that really pissed me off, beers with the Dali Lama, and headin' outta 'Nam.....coming up in a few days....

-E-

More blatherings.....

Went back to The States for about five weeks this past December/January to spend Christmas with my parents and siblings (since pretty much from here on out, I'm only gonna be making it back to The States once per year....so five weeks was ample).

Had what was a severely cheap air ticket from Hanoi to Portland (like, a grand incd. ALL taxes and fees....and that was from December 9th thru January 15th....right during the holidays). This, of course, always means that you will have a 16-hour layover in Bumblefukk, Mongolia followed by a 13-hour layover in the Kamchatka Peninsula of Russia.

Dude - there's a reason why you paid only a grand for that ticket.....

But, seriously: I ended up with a nine-hour layover in Taipei, Taiwan on the way to PDX. "Well...ya gotta do what ya gotta do...." I thought to myself. So, I figgered that I'd hunker down and become really well-acquainted with Taipei's airport.

So, I git off of the plane at the airport and blindly just follow the crowd which leads me to the Immigration and Customs section. So, for the pure hell of it, I decide to ask a lady in a uniform if I can get a visa-on-arrival at the border (airport, in this case) like some countries offer.

"What country are you a citizen of?"

"The United States....."

"Oh! No, no visa needed. If you have a passport, you can go right through."

"NO SHIT????" I thought to myself.

Got some instructions, took a bus to their bullet-train, and hopped that into central Taipei City. Walked all over the place, rode their tube, went to the top of Taipei 101 and just had an amazing time. VEEEEERRRRY first-world, polite and friendly people, clean, VERY orderly (traffic isn't going in ten different directions including the wrong-way down a one-way street and also ON the sidewalk with a cacophony of about 50,000 car and motorcycle horns blaring at the same time like in Vietnam) and lots to see, eat and do. Yeah, it was only nine hours, but I really, really got good vibes from the place. Next time, it'll be a DESTINATION trip, not a layover.

Like Taiwan A LOT! Having a few pipe dreams of relocating there in the future.....further investigation is warranted....

In a few days - A faux-pas, thoughts about maybe heading out of Vietnam, and beers with the Dali Lama......

-E-