Jours Cinquante Cinq à Cinquante Sept
(Days Fifty Five to Fifty Seven)

Be warned.....

.....unless you are one of the very few people who reads this website AND have also traveled to Montreal with me (like, one or two people to the best of my knowledge).....a lot of this won't make a huge amount of sense.....but I'll try....

Waited twenty-five minutes for a pissing thunderstorm to ride over the region, then I left Lake George about 1PM and traveled North up the aforementioned NY State Hwy. 9N (see "Day Fifty Four" post), up to Plattsburgh. Probably now in a three-way tie for the most beautiful ride on this adventure - Northern California Redwood forests, Blue Ridge Mountains, and New York State's Northern Adirondacks via Hwy. 9N........

Shoulda been an easy 178 mile ride to Montreal. And for the most part, it was. No traffic anywhere (even within the City itself), and no weather to speak of after I waited out that thunderstrom in Lake George.

Wasn't an easy ride, though.....

Gordie Customs and Immigration Wankers apparently thought that I could be a threat to life, liberty, and the pursuit of Canadian-ness (or Quebecois-ness, as the case may be), and held me up for, like, an hour!!

Froggie Gord Inspector - "Now, is zees scooter registered?"

Moi - "Yep, here's the registration and insurance cards."

Froggie Gord Inspector - "Ummm....ze looks strangee......"

Moi - "Uhhh....thass what they gave me at the State of Oregon DMV....."

Froggie Gord Inspector - "How long you stay in Canada?"

Moi - "Two days....take off towards Buffalo, NY on Thursday Morning...."

(Froggie Gord Inspector begins writing up the Yellow Card)

Froggie Gord Inspector - "Whooo-key.....go to ze gate marked number tow and go to Immigration counter."

Inside.....

Moi - "The official at the booth issued me a Yellow Card!"

Non-Froggie Gordette Inspectress - "Now, you're staying for two nights only?"

Moi - "Yes, Ma'am.....it's part of a trip I'm taking. I am riding around the perimeter of the United States and I have been to Montreal more than fifteen times in the past back when I resided in Buffalo, NY.....and since I enjoy it so much, I figured that whilst I'm in the area, well....."

Non-Froggie Gordette Inspectress - "What is your occupation?"

Moi - "Well, I resigned from my job so I could do this trip......"

Non-Froggie Gordette Inspectress - "When was your last day of work?"

Moi - "April 1st"

Non-Froggie Gordette Inspectress - "And you've been traveling all of this time?"

Moi - "Oui....errrmm.....I mean, yes."

Non-Froggie Gordette Inspectress - "How much money do you have on your person?"

Moi - "Errmm.....I dunno.....forty buxx ca$h.....several hundred in my bank accounts.....and a couple credit cards......"

Non-Froggie Gordette Inspectress - "So, if I run your credit or chequing account cards, I'll see at least twelve hundred dollars in there?"

Moi - "WOW!!! Has Montreal gotten THAT expensive for two nights??"

(Grave look of disdain from Non-Froggie Gordette Inspectress)

Moi - "Sorry.....but no, seriously....go right ahead! Here's one....." (I offer a VISA card)

(Non-Froggie Gordette Inspectress pushes card I offered back at me)

Non-Froggie Gordette Inspectress - "Where are you staying while in Montreal?"

Moi - "Tonight, I am at the Manoir Ste. Denis on Rue Ste. Denis at the corner of Rue Ontario. Tomorrow, I am at the Hyatt Regency Centre-ville"

Non-Froggie Gordette Inspectress - "Do you have reservations?"

Moi - "Better! I have a non-refundable Priceline purchase for these rooms!!"

Non-Froggie Gordette Inspectress - "Do you have documentation of this fact?"

Moi - "Naw.....couldn't fit my printer on my skooter. But I can give you my Hotmail name and password and if you have Internet here, you can verify said reservations yourself!!"

(Pause by Non-Froggie Gordette Inspectress)

Non-Froggie Gordette Inspectress - "OK.....have a seat and listen for your name....we'll be with you shortly...."


Yeah......uh-huh......like I'd try to do Montreal for two nights with forty dollars. Christ on a bike!!

Eventually, I git outta there and back on my way. Head up the 65 kilometres from the border into the heart of downtown Montreal ("centre-ville"), grab my hotel room, and proceed to walk allllll over town.

Montreal is probably thee most enjoyable city to walk in, save for during the winter, which is the most unpleasant thing known to mankind (THIS is coming from a Buffaloian....I mean, Montreal winters physically fucking hurt!).....Paris would be in second place for best city to walk around in......Atlanta would finish last!

Had a great time....good grub.....and took a few observations of many, many past road-trip-to-Montreal icons that very few people will understand.....so please bear with me or skip over this section......

• Le Lizard and Le Dogue nightclubs no longer appear to be in business
• The Electric Buttcheeks is still there. This was thee first nightclub I'd ever gone to in Montreal (back when they had a really cool punk scene.....like two or three hundred years ago.....back when Ava Rave used to bartend there) and it would pretty much be thee main reason why we'd head up to Montreal. The third floor (the danse floor and stage part) wasn't open, it being a weeknight, and the second floor got cut in half, with the half above the patio area turned into an indoor mini-skateboard park! WTF????!!!!!!!?????!!???
  

• The Peel Pub is no longer ON Rue Sainte-Catherine.....they went Sud a block down Rue Peel. It sucks now, as it's smaller and "nicer" and has a whopping three tables for eighteen seats on a balcony area where you can smoke ('cause of Quebec's stooopid-ass smoking ban in bars). For the uninitiated, if you can imagine THEE biggest basic, bare-bones cafeteria in a college or university, filled with nothing but people drinking pichet after pichet of biere and eating spaghetti and mac 'n cheese, in a multi-tiered space that had literally taken up an entire city block, you'd have the old location of The Peel Pub. If I had stayed around the new location (I didn't 'cause all 18 seats in the smoking patio were Standing Room Only), I'd have gotten bottled beer, as, I had heard from two totally separate people that The Peel Pub would take the remaining beer from half-consumed pichets and glasses and......uhhh....."recycle" it. Shit.....THAT'S why it used to be so cheap there......
  

• On the way out, after crossing back into New York State.....found that, yes, J-Wreck subs is still going strong. And they STILL put too much Goddamm mayonnaise on their subs. Some things must just be passed down through the generations, I guess....
  

• Ben's deli has been closed for two years now (Ben's was the home of our "morning afters" during the Montreal journeys) and is about to be developed most likely into something nasty (like upscale condos or some shit like that).
• And the Harvey's fast food restaurant on Rue Saint-Catherine and Rue Saint Lambert is no more. This was the home of many, many bizarre people and even more bizarre scenes at 3:30am where we'd end the night with food that we were incapable of tasting after a beginning at The Peel, a middle at Le Lizard and Le Dogue, and an ending at Les Foufounes......now, it's a Money Mart.
  

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And now.....a couple observations for the rest of us.....

• Got the Hyatt Regency on Priceline for $85. Sucked because they were outta smoking rooms (they have TEN smoking rooms in a 652 room hotel?????), they dinged you $20 parking, $13 Internet and $2 for a Goddamm 1-800 phone call. THEE only saving grace was the location, as it was in the middle of downtown, two blocks away from Les Foufounes, and my room was directly on top of The Montreal Jazz Festival that was going on that week. Filmed a vid early in the morning (like, 9:15am) of people setting up and checking sound for the fest -
  

Couldn't stay and enjoy......already blew anything even vaguely resembling a schedule on this adventure loooong ago.....

• WAY cool bike system. Separate rights-of-way for cyclists!! Hmmm......interesting. Wonder how many car-bicycle collisions they have there verses what we have in Portlandia?
  

• And finally, after crossing back into New York State, through the small town of Malone, NY (population 6,000 or so), I'm stopped at a red light, and I'm hacking because of smoke. Blue smoke. Look over and see an old, beat-to-hell Orange truck spewing it. Whatever, I figure. Then I look closely.....and it's a Town of Malone Highway Department truck! I mean, yeah.....cool....bitch about your municipal property taxes and such......but do you really want your Public Works Department looking like THIS??
  

• Yeah....a true sacrilidge to say....but THEE VERY BEST ice cream on Earf is found in the region of far Northern New York, Western Vermont and Quebec.....but still, WE have thee best cheese I've come across anywhere! Hell, my buddy Chef Bill in Tallahassee specially orders Tillamook cheese for his restaurant!

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Eeeeeeasy crossing at U.S. Customs, even though the Inspector kept staring at me in disbelief when I told him what I was doing.....uttering softly "Are you sure that thing's gonna make it back to Portland?"

"..........made it THIS far......"

Rode 217 miles to Pulaski, NY, near Syracuse. Gonna see my spiritual advisors Judy and The Doctor in Niagara County tomorrow.....then, a week or so in Buffalo....

-E-

Day Fifty Four....

After a croissant sandwich for brekker....

......I left Brooklyn.

TRIED to git up North quick as I could....but to depart the actual New York City urbanised area, it took me, like, almost two hours.....between noon-thirty and two-thirty in the afternoon.....just to get to the first non-built-up area North of White Plains, NY.

From that point, a stunning ride through the Hudson River Valley and the Southern part of the Adirondack Mountains. Probably the third most stunning ride on this trip behind Northern California Redwood forests and the Blue Ridge Mountains.....

One minor thunderstorm and 210 miles later, I get to Lake George, New York.

Lake George (the LAKE....NOT the town of Lake George, which is too fake and too touristy for my tastes, though) is stunning, as are the tiny hamlets that surround it. Ever find yourself in the region and want to see Lake George and hang around there forra bit?? Simply take New York State Highway 9N (NOT regular Hwy. 9) North out of Lake George Town and pick any place along the way (such as the hamlets of Bolton Landing or Silver Bay) for the next twenty miles....you will NOT be disappointed (although you will be if you stay in the town of Lake George).....

Paid SEVEN DOLLARS for a pack of Camel Wides here in Lake George! Shit......thass one of many reasons WHY I no longer reside in New York State.......There wasn't really anything of this town to fotograff.....ya seen one shite faux-historique village......you pretty much seen 'em all.

Montreal tomorrow.....

-E-

Geography lesson, part trois.....

Now, students, as we will recall, in lessons one and two, we had the following diagrams:















In segment one, E travelled 2248 in a rather circuitous manner....
















In segment two, he traveled 1669 miles from Edgewood, NM to Katy, TX in not the most direct path...


.....now, when we add segment three into the mix (as shown below), we discover that E has covered 2563 miles for this leg.....
















Now, on his current segment, as seen below, he goes 1258 miles from Boone, North Carolina to Montreal, Quebec.....















This puts him at a cumulative total of 7738 miles as of Montreal, PQ



We'll cover the points and various distances along the remainder of the trip as he reaches them. Oh, and also, we'll be announcing the schedule of stops for the Buffalo - Portlandia ride home sometime next week......so be prepared.

Class dismissed....

-E-

Day Fifty Three....

Somewhat irritating and expensive ride from D.C. to New York.

First off, got a late start (hadta sleep in and proceed to shower and pack and have brekker at Tipsy McStagger's at a far too leisurely pace) and ended up leaving Morseyboy's place circa 2:15pm.

Then, got onto the Jersey Turnpike and there was this mammoth-ass traffic jam like, about 50 miles from New York City.

WTF??

COME ON!!! This is a TOLL ROAD!!!! Thee reason you take roads that you fucking have to PAY FOR (sorry – I'm a Westerner.....we don't have toll roads out there) is simply TO AVOID TRAFFIC!!!!

Cool....mega traffic jam AND I git the privilege of paying for it.....cute......

Thee best tolls though were where the State of Delaware figured: “Ya know.....we got this teensy-weensy stretch of Interstate 95 slicing through thee very far Northern tip of our state. And ya know, it's so small, that it may cost, like five buxx a day to maintain it.....but since sooooooooo many people traverse I-95 daily, I have a very opportunistic idea – Why don't we create our own 'State of Delaware Turnpike Authority' and ding EVERYBODY a five dollar toll for riding on a brief, ten mile stretch of I-95 through Delaware!!! Nothing says that we can't do that......”

Fuckers!!!!

THEN, I cross something called the Outer Limits bridge (or it was called something like that, right next to the Twilight Zone Freeway) into Staten Island for EIGHT BUXX!!!

I mean, I have crossed some grand and spectacular bridges in my lifetime around the world.......but I've never paid eight dollars to cross anything in my life!! Especially a bridge as ordinary as this fucker......Jesus!!

Between the needless and incessant tolls, the traffic jams, and the late start, I FINALLY got into Brooklyn around 8:30PM. Caught up with 'Pitz (he and Beia had just relocated from L.A., and Beia was in Puerto Rico for work).....and he had New York City Pizza and Brooklyn lager on hand......shortly thereafter, I forgot about things such as tolls and traffic jams.

Christ.....just open up your front door holding food and beer, and I'll totally forget thee shittiest ride of my life, most likely!!

After several pints, 'Pitz and I walked around his Brooklyn Neighbourhood (somewhere near Flatbush, actually). FASCINATING stuff.........I mean, I had not been to New York City since 1992.....and even then, the five or so times that I'd been to NYC, I'd never set foot off of the island of Manhattan.....and honestly? I dislike New York City.

But....BUT.....Brooklyn was far easier to deal with and far more acceptable to me than Manhattan is. I mean, I love when planning publications and seminars and stuff like that talk about the term “mixed-use development” as though it was just invented two weeks ago. Come on, Brooklyn's been doing it for centuries now (as has Montreal, Boston, Philadelphia, etc.)......and it's actually neat to walk around and see that people don't shit their pants because their single-family detached dwelling happens to be next door to a multi-family building (in Beaverton, that starts wars.....literally).

Felt a bit dodgy about leaving The Helix out on the street, as is, unattended. Had creepy visions of it just being picked up and walked away with into the back of a truck! Even 'Pitz was concerned about leaving it be as is on the streets of Brooklyn.....so, for thee first time, I dragged out the motorcycle handcuffs and found a no parking sign and locked it up.













'Pitz and The Helix.....










Handcuffed to the no-parking sign in Brooklyn.


Was still there, just fine, in the AM. Still, though....I DID actually sleep better....I mean, it IS New York City, the place where, back in the late 80's, I'd seen windows of cars with handwritten signs posted in them that stated “NO RADIO IN CAR”, soooo, naw, I wasn't really up for rolling the dice.......

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Funny shit.....I'll be back in Western New York during the Buffalo Homecoming (an attempt to lure people who departed for greener pastures BACK to Western New York)......believe me, this was NOT planned in this manner......

....but the irony is rich.

Tell ya what: Find me a job (based on MY MERIT AND EXPERIENCE, NOT based on the fact that I am good friends socially with the person in charge of hiring) paying more than six buxx an hour and bars that I can smoke INSIDE and I'll be back there to reside in a heartbeat!!!

Somewhere in the Adirondack Mountains of Northern New York State tomorrow.....

-E-

Day Fifty Two......


Took nothing but Interstates from this point......

....up until White Plains, NY, as pretty much between Raleigh-Durham and Boston, there ARE NO BACK ROADS!! It's pretty much the urban megalopolis of BosWash.....soooo.....

Easy 220 mile cruise into Arlington. Sipped vino with Morseyboy, talked about working for Government and becoming jaded with it..... caught up on news about various friends, met up with Morseyboy's paramour, Kathy (whom I hadn't seen in more than nine years), had BREADED wings (biiiiigggg 'ole sin to bread wings, but the sauce was amazing) and a good piss-up at a couple of their locals on the Virginia side of the Capital District. Tried to talk me into going to work for the Urban Land Institute........told them I enjoy Portlandia (as, I can actually AFFORD to reside there - unless I was made Chancellor or President or God of the Urban Land Institute, that would not be the case in D.C.).

Had brekker at Tipsy McStagger's Irish pub (naw....I think it's called "The Four Courts" or something like that) the next afternoon, and shortly thereafter, I headed off to Brooklyn.....

(Fotograffs of the Arlington segment of this adventure sold separately, at the request of Morseyboy and Kathy)

DID hit my forty-seventh and forty-eighth states on this ride (Delaware and Connecticut).....so now I have actually been (NOT just flying over or a change of flights at an aeroport or some shit like that) in all the Lower Forty-Eight states!

No sleep 'till Brooklyn......tomorrow.....

-E-

Day Fifty One.....


No Waffle Houses here.....

....so, went to a pure Mom and Pop diner for brekker in Danville, Virginia. Definitely frequented by locals only, as a few very friendly folks didn't recognise me, and sauntered up to me to ask me where I was from. Told 'em the scoop....great folks, great conversations......shot a couple pics -










Now, ya KNOW that a place that gives its favourite local a special personalised bar stool at the counter has got to have character.....











I asked just what the heck "hot slaw" was, and I found out. It's actually cole slaw, but instead of mayonnaise, this stuff has Texas hot sauce of some sort in it.

I passed on that one....



Head off on an extremely simple 169 mile ride from Danville to Virginia Beach, and spent a mellow afternoon and evening with Mary and Jorge. Feasted on my favourite Peruvian dish, Tacu Tacu, as well as some nice home made Asian stir-fry, and we both caught up on the latest news (to the best of my knowledge) of various mutual friends of ours......









(L to R): Andres, Jorge, Alejandra, Mary and Poker










Poker is a very high-energy greyhound, which Mary rescued from the Phoenix Greyhound Park, after Poker had numerous winning seasons!!! You can see the energy in this woofie above.....










Mary and Jorge's cat, Blackjack, hangs out with a Cockatiel whose name I didn't get. They are contemplating naming their next pet either "Pai-Gow" or "Mini-Baccarat"










And, after brekker, Mary gave me an escort outta town ('cause I knew that I probably couldn't find the Interstate on my own) on her skooter. Note that, except below the waist, she IS wearing proper safety gear for riding.....I don't think that I quite measure up to that standard........a beanie helmet, T-shirt, shorts and sandals aren't recommended for long-distance (or, really, ANY) riding.....but given temperature, humidity, traffic jams and such........I'll take my chances.....


D.C. (Arlington, Virginia, actually) tomorrow.....

-E-

Days Forty Eight thru Fifty....

Couple quik notes on Tallahassee -

Did rent a coupla flicks while in Tallahassee (ten days ago, NOT the Sunday Night Massacre).

Saw Juno. Thought it was good, but I can see what Georgia meant when she stated why she didn't think it was that great. Basically, Georgia noted, almost NO 16-year-old is that quick, articulate and well-spoken with a very dry sense of humour (OK, there was one girl in my high skool who was sort of like that, but just one). But still......it was rather funny.

But, the soundtrack drove me through the roof!! I wanted to run fingernails on a chalkboard to block out Kimya Dawson's rancid, awful, horrendous, sickening evil voice so I didn't throw a brick through the TV whenever one of her shite songs came on.

Now, I'll tell ya how I REALLY feel about Ms. Dawson's ability as a singer and I won't mince my words......

And Belle and Sebastian?? Christ on a bike......

Tried to watch Cloverfield......but I got the usual shit DVD from Blockbuster that had been rented five hundred times before and was totally scratched and used up and Cloverfield died exactly halfway through the film and became unplayable.

Fucking Blockbuster......wouldn't even give me my money back.....just a credit for another rental. Just great after I'd already seen half the film.

Also, somewhere in the wilds of rural Northern Florida, I saw an election sign, pictured below.








Now, I'm sorry, but a name like “Bummy” does NOT inspire fear and manly intimidation from the top law enforcement officer in the county. I mean, I can see Jebidiah and Jethro, co-managers of the B.F.E. Ranch in Bumblefuk, Florida -


Jebidiah: “Gosh done-durn-dang it, Jethro......those mean 'ole Cracker boys done stole all our cows again!!”

Jethro: “Well, Jeb.....what we all gonna dang-durn-done do now??!?? I mean, last time you and me went over there to get our cows back, that Cracker gang put me in a full-nelson and gave me an Indian Brushburn and they held you down and gave you a Cleveland Steamer!! And we can't tell mom and dad.....'cause mom and dad beat you up TWICE as bad as the Cracker gang did after they heard about that Cleveland Steamer!”

Jebidiah: “I know!! Blasted' frackin' frickin' Cracker boys.......I wish I were bigger, then I'd show 'em.....”

Jethro: “Hey....heeeeeey!! I got it Jeb – let's go tell Sheriff Bummy on 'em. That'll fix their wagon!!”

Jevbidiah: “YEAH!! And, we can ask him real nice like not to tell mom and dad about our cows being thefted!!! Sheriff Bummy will go right on over to that Cracker Homestead and give them boys what for!! Good idea, 'ro! Sheriff Bummy don't take no guff from any Cracka!”








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So, after the Tallahassee debacle.......

......I died a thousand deaths in Marietta, GA in a really nice efficiency suite, and woke up the next morning, rode 25 miles and went to Honda of Canton (Canton is a seriously FAR-outer ex-urb of Atlanta, that's, like, literally 42 miles away from Downtown Atlanta......so that should give you an idea of how nice the sprawl here is.) to change out The Helix's rear tyre.

GOTTA love Dunlop K488 – put one on brand new in Portland, and it ends up going more than 6000 miles [EXTREMELY unusual for a tyre THAT small to last THAT long – generic skooter tyres usually die after literally 2000 miles]......so this new K488 should see me back home to Portlandia safely.

Dropped the skooter off, and my friend Ivanna came and fetched me. A few hours later, The Helix had the carb adjusted and a brand new Dunlop K488 on the rear wheel. Hopped back in her Minivan, and fetched the skooter.

A huge thank you to Jerry and Ivanna, who gave me the run of their entire basement (thass about twice the square footage of my entire apartment) with a separate entrance, a billiards table and a TV screen larger than most walls.








It was really skimping....but I somehow survived.....

After which, they took me out for wings (quite nice, I might add) and B-B-Q ribs!

It was sad having to take off back for The Road after spending only ond day with Jerry and Ivanna....but I'll catch them in a couple weeks in Downtown Rapids, NY.








(l to r) Cole, Jerry, Ivanna and Ty.

Love this pic - Jerry does a great job smiling....considering that Ty took Daddy's car and storage room keys to play with last night and now can't quite remember where he left them. Oh.....Jerry was supposed to be on the job an hour before this pic was snapped!

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And I trust Mapquest WHY again??

Left Canton, GA with a Mapquest'd plan to take about ten different backroads up to my destination for the evening, which was Boone, North Carolina. WAS planning to hit Cape Hatteras, North Carolina, but after not being able to find thee shittiest, most flea-bag motel anywhere near there for less than (literally) $150 per night, I said “screw it!” and decided to give Appalachia a chance.

Good and bad......


Bad that Mapquest said my route was roughly 251 miles. I clocked it at 293 miles!

Bad that Mapquest put a road on the route (Georgia State Road 255) that either had changed it's number designation, or just didn't exist. Jerry had questioned that when he looked over the proposed route.....and I just assumed that Mapquest was correct....

Bad that I didn't take the truck by-pass version of US route 221 through to Boone. I took normal route 221. Normal route 221 turned out to possess numerous pigtail bridges and hairpin turns that were NOT conducive to mellow fiddy-five to sixty-five M.P.H. cruising. So I just whizzed around these turns and I was going to pretend that I was one of those crotch-rocket Euro-motorcycle racers and I was gonna lean waaaaay into a turn and run my knee along the asphalt........

......then, I remembered that I was wearing shorts.

Good that I did take normal route 221. There was nobody else at all on this road, and I got to see several deer, a black bear cub and this porcupine that just stood in the middle of the road. I stopped right next to it, looked at it, blared the horn and screamed at it to get the hell out of the road so it wouldn't get hit by something larger than a Helix. Was gonna take a fotograff of it.....but I just wanted it the hell out of the road first and foremost. It scurried away into the woods......

Yeah, going straight up the heart of The Blue Ridge Mountains at twilight was well worth the extra time. Probably the most beautiful ride I've done on this adventure (save for some sections of Northern California Redwood forests, which were just stunning). Seriously, the Blue Ridge Parkway IS a must-ride for anybody who enjoys riding.....

Stayed in the college-town of Boone, North Carolina Wednesday night. It just looked a bit isolated on a map, so I figured "why not?" If I had any idea it was a college-town, I just woulda went onward.....

Had a few pints at a college bar, and wondered why I got rooked for $65 for a rather skanky-ass room at the Red Carpet Inn that had gross black stains on the room's carpet......

....oh yeah: College town during orientation week.

Cute....


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Had to have brekker at the wrong House......

........'cause there was no Waffle House within 50 miles of Boone. Huddle House is a pure rubbish attempt to piggy-back on Waffle House's success by blatantly copying everything (I DO mean everything) that Waffle House does. Literally, from the sign down to the exact interior floorplan! Only thing thass different are the colours!















DO NOT be fooled.....I ate at the Huddle House in Boone and the one in North Florida......

....they SUCK!!!




Took a long, but incredible ride on the Blue Ridge Parkway through to US Hwy. 58 into Danville, Virginia. Nothing spectacular about this town.......but I did snap a few shots along the Parkway -



















































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I went to Starbuck's for Free-Wi-Fi.....

.......(I have a wireless carrier account with one of their providers) in Danville so I could get fone numbers and price out a motel for tonight. This cop walks in with his girlfriend, and she looks about 35 and this cop is 5'4” and looks LITERALLY like he's fourteen-years-old. Too freaky.....maybe they have a severe police recruiting problem here. WAS gonna snap a pic, but......

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Just sucks so badly that I really planned this ride so poorly. I mean, I really wanted to hang with Jerry and Ivanna another day......but I pretty much screwed up the entire trip by saying to several of my kind and generous hosts in the May and early June part of the trip - “Yeah....what the hell?? Why not?? I'll hang forra another day with you guys!!!” and a few too many times of doing that, and I'm way behind.

In a perfect world, I'd have more money to spend and I'd have added the month of August to this trip so I coulda hung out with EVERYBODY for a decent period of time!! But what ideally shoulda happened to reach the best positive result and what actually DID happen in reality are two vastly different things (sounds kinda like one of my former places of employ, actually), so, sadly, everybody during the second half of this trip gets E for ONE NIGHT only!

Don't feel slighted....I hadta chop out the entire plan of FINALLY seeing The Maritime Provinces of Canada from this trip, and I cut my original time with my family from, like, almost three weeks to 10 days....

.....sucks......

If you is a teensy bit sad that we can't hang together longer......ask Will and Cindy in Albuquerque: THEY got stuck with me for EIGHT DAYS, for Chrissakes!!

Off to see Mary and Jorge tomorrow in Virginia Beach........

-E-

Day Forty Seven....

"What really went on there?
We only have this excerpt....."
The Fall
Cruisers Creek

Basically, since I had nooooo idea when I'd be back to Tallahassee, since this was thee last night there for me (and I DID swear by that).....

......I hadta make it count!

Shit.....boy did I ever!

I really don't remember much.......lemme piece together what I can remember......plus, i DO remember taking a few pictures......so maybe they'll piece some things together.....

Left Kissimmee around 1PM-ish after brekker at Friendly's.....wanted to get Ice Scream (I love Friendly's....too bad there's, like, ten of 'em left nationwide), but was too full after french toast, so I leave.

Eeeeeeasy ride to Tallahasse.......about 270 miles......perfect weather - some rain......some sun......just right. Pulled in to Chef Bill's estate around 6PM-ish and shortly, we are sipping some very nice Chardonnay.

"Sooo.....whass the game plan for this eve, Ace?" I asked.

Bill responded: "Well...my friend Jesse invited us to a get-tigether and cookout at his place, then I got to take you to The Beta Bar."

"Right! Sounds easy and fun enough......"

Riiiiiiigggght.......famous last words....

So, we grab a couple twelves for this get-together, and head over to Jesse's place.

Fun time.....met some great people and hung out with a few that I had already known.....








OK....lemme see if I can git this straight -
Foreground l to r - Ross, Walt
Background l to r - Jenna, Shelly, Bill, Georgia and Mandy
NOT PICTURED - A whole bunch of people whose names I didn't catch.....









Shelly was kinda hungry......so she was about to have Jenna fotograff her eating the head off of Jenna's wombat (or whatever the hell that thing is). Georgia's eyes turn red with delight during this ritual....the wombat looks bored.....












Jenna


.....and, like midnight or some shit like that, a bunch of us pile into cars and head to this Beta Bar place.

Thass where things get a bit hazy.

It was 80's night there. No band, nothing. Just danse music from that glorious decade....

....now, you've got to understand - I generally despise eighties nights simply because the music that is almost always played during these nights just absolutely fucking blows! It's thee worst of the eighties that some no-talent wankshaft DJ goes out to Wal-Mart and grabs a K-TEL CD called "Remember Those Eighties" or some shit like that, pops it on the sound system, and proceeds to take a nap!

Trust me....from Sarasota to Shanghai and everywhere in between......it's the same tripe played on eighties nights around the Earf.

I have nothing against eighties nights per se, but for Chrissakes, they did put out some good music during that decade.....so play it!!!!!!

This Beta Bar place looked like a serious overload of dry ice and cigarette smoke. Seriously.....literally....you could NOT make out facial definition and features of the person that you were dancing with. This effect may have been done intentionally.....








Tried this shot using a flash - the light from the flash refracted off of the fog/smoke and blared directly back into my face, blinding me for half the evening.....that pic didn't come out.....that fotograff just ended up looking like a bunch of people were dancing outdoors in Portland at nine A.M. sometime in January.

Vaguely remember looking at their beer cooler cabinet, and seeing almost every Goddamm thing that Unibroue puts out available in bottle!!








So, basically......Unibroue products are more readily available in all parts of Florida then they are in Western Canada........interesting.....

Well, I'm certainly NOT one to let an opportunity to enjoy La Fin du Monde go unanswered!!!!

This was a mistake.....La Fin du Monde was never meant to be consumed as a sort of "nightclub beer"......nooooooo......it's a sipping beer that's enjoyed over good food and good conversation with friends!!

When Unibroue products are attempted to be consumed in a nightclub sort of manner, the results are often not favourable......use Labatt Blue for that purpose.

After that point, I can only recall the following -

- I was trying to hold a conversation with Jenna.....but everytime I spoke, words came out identical to the speech pattern of parents and teachers in the Peanuts cartoons.

- I had tried to explain to people that, no, I could NOT stay another night in Tallahassee......simply because I'd probably never leave. And if I did not leave Tallahassee, I'd probably not survive to see my next birthday......

- Chef Bill lost his wallet.......but it was found, with ca$h and plastique cards intact, somewhere near the bar at 2:45am.

- A friend of mine was quite concerned about his latest unrequited love. I advised him that I was thee expert on such situations, and suggested that he stalk this girl aggressively.....

- I consumed some sort of meat-like product from Whattaburger on the ride home. I literally don't remember what it was....but I ate the goddamm pickles that they mistakenly had placed on it. Don't ask me why.....

- Throughout the evening, I took a series of random pictures on the patio of the Beta Bar:









l to r: E, Drew, Jenna, Chef Bill and Rachael









I can't remember this girl's name for the life of me. She told it to me twice, but by that time, it reached my ears in Peanuts adult/teacher/parent speak that I could not comprehend.












So, being frustrated at not being able to comprehend or remember her name, I placed her in a Roddy Piper-like "sleeper hold".










Jimmy and I.










Rachael and Jimmy.












Rachael.












Jimmy and Rachael.












A cool gentleman who refers to himself as "Trek"

I didn't ask.....









Trek, Bill and Jimmy.

I think I finally got into bed at 5AM-ish........

I HAD planned today to grab a motel somewhere vaguely near downtown / midtown Atlanta, and then go hang in Little Five Points, and mellow at The Euclid Street Yacht Club and The Star Bar......and just enjoy life.

As it turned out - A) - Could NOT find ANY room within ten miles of Little Five Points for less than a hundred buxx!!! And B) - Simply the mere thought of hanging at a bar literally sent me into heaving convulsions.....so, yeah.....best that I skipped THAT idea!!!

So I got a really nice extended-stay suite for $39.00 in North Atlanta's sprawling suburbs, lived the strip-mall lifestyle forra night, and took it easy.

A nice, mellow, fun 300 mile ride from Tallahassee to Marietta, Georgia.

Tomorrow's ride? 10 miles. Hanging with my friends Jerry and Ivanna and getting the rear tyre changed out on The Helix.....

-E-

Day Forty Six.....

Rest In Peace, eXplorist 300....

Life was good when I left Hollywood: Got an early start (for once, I actually left BEFORE 10:30am), sun was shining, and I figured to hit Disney World and have pints with Mickey and Goofy by 3pm!!

Shit never happens the way it's planned......does it, now?

A severe thunderstorm came dead outta absolute NOWHERE! I mean, there was dead zero warning.....it was screaming sunshine about two minutes ago......

But this was unlike ANY weather I'd experienced so far on this adventure!! I mean, it was shooting pure sheets of rain that cut visibility to a quarter mile! PLUS, Florida has thee worst drainage of any place on Earf, so this was rapidly developing into a flash flood.......

Crumbs!

Well.....probably not a bad idea to git the hell offa the Interstate, I figured.

Everyone on two wheels ended up cowering underneath an overpass....

.....everyone except the rocket scientist that writes this blog.

Screw that, I figured. I would just hop offa I-95, take U.S. Hwy. 1, cruising gently at 40 to 50 M.P.H. until the storm blows over!

Then......disaster struck......

Apparently, the City of Del Ray, Florida, gave fucking Chessie System (or Conrail, or whatever the hell that huge railroad in the East is called this week) permission to have it's road crossings at three-plus inches above street grade!!!! (Probably so that, whilst the streets went a-flooding, the trains go on uninterrupted).

CN250 hits said tracks, with the hand-held backwoods GPS unit wedged securely between the dashboard and the windscreen......

CN250, E, and the GPS all get biiiiggggg air......and the E finds himself attempting to control the skooter whilst, at the same time, doing a juggling act to save the Magellan from dropping onto the busy street he is currently riding on.....

......keeping control of the bike during an absolute pissing thunderstorm with minor flooding won out over sacrificing one's skooter for a GPS unit......the eXplorist 300 went flying onto the street.

I pulled into a bank parking lot a half-mile down, ran back to the tracks, and found that, while my Magellan can easily withstand being dropped and being submerged in water, it cannot withstand being ran over by five SUVs.....

I almost cried.....

I blame the father of this girl I used to date briefly in high skool.

His name was Phil. He used to call me "trenchcoat" (because I had this cool trenchcoat back in high skool that I used to sometimes wear). I called Phil "man of few words" because he literally never spoke!! He just always fucking grunted!!

"Phil! PHIL!!! Your daughter just won the Nobel Peace Prize in medicine!"

"Mmm *GRUNT*"

"Phil!!! PHIL!!!! You just won $20 million in the New York State Lottery! Congratulations!!!!!"

"Mmm....that's nice.....*GRUNT*"

Phil used to work for Chessie System (or Conrail, or whatever the fuck it's called this week) and he probably asked the City of Del Ray to allow the rail crossings to be elevated three-plus inches above street grade to keep the freight running on time during pissing thunderstorms and minor flooding.

And I also blame those black helicopters and the United Nations one-world-government.....and also chewing the Bubble Yum with the spider eggs in it back in my youth, and......

Soooo.....that sucked!

Had a lot of Geocaching hunts with that GPS..........just kinda pisses me off.......

Made the remainder of the ride to Kissimmee, Florida in sunshine and nice temperatures in about four hours. A pleasant 220 mile ride which was actually quite nice......save for the first 60 miles.....

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Kissimmee is probably one of thee gaudiest places I have ever seen. If you is too poor to stay in one of the resorts inside the Disney Compound, you generally stay here. One huge-ass strip of nothing but motels and places advertising Disney discount admission passes. It was like Las Vegas Boulevard (“The Strip”), except with no buildings over two stories and no gambling and helicopter pads (for tourist flights) every other block. Christ....this place would NEVER pass The City of Beaverton sign code!!! Jesus.....talk about landscape pollution........

Stayed at a place called “The Travelodge Suites” for thirty-nine bucks. Shit....if adding ten more square feet to a standard motel room constitutes a “suite” then I musta stayed in “suites” this entire adventure!!

Hung out with Mickey and Goofy at some pub on Seven Dwarfs Lane (no shit – there is actually a street in Kissimmee called “Seven Dwarfs Lane”), and I was bummed!

Mickey was on his sixth melon ball, Goofy was chugging a sloe gin fizz, and I had a Corona.

Mickey: “Well, E, don't feel to bad. I got word from the guy upstairs that.......”

E: “Guy Upstairs?? Whoozat?? Walt?”

Goofy: “Naw.....Walt's a fucking popsicle!”

E: “Really?”

Goofy: “Whaa? You don't actually believe that snopes.com bullshit, do ya?”

E: “Well....who then? Michael Eisner?”

Mickey: “No, you moron!! God! He told me that your GPS was needed to navigate Tim Russert to heaven.....so it and Tim got called home.....”

E: “Really......? How novel.....”


















Tallahassee redux tomorrow......

-E-