Monday, March 23, 2009

Has it really been two months......??

Interesting.....feels like I just got here.......

Haven't had time to write, and I apologise. I thought that this was gonna be a joke and that I'd be working four hours a day and have all sorts of free time....

....whilst I still do work four hours a day, Monday through Friday, I got a lotta irons in the fire - helping friends of mine with computers and finding housing, working on getting set-up and established here in Hai Phong, a couple side things,
much traveling, fair amount of going out....all sorts of stuff....

Settled in quite nicely. Bought a new desktop computer 'cause my DELL laptop - which has been a TOTAL piece of shit riddled with problems since I got it brand new five years ago - is dying the slow final death. Given that I haven't carried that 500-kilogram heap O'shite on a trip anywhere in the past year (ALWAYS take the ASUS EEE pc), and that all I used it for was watching DVD's and surfing the net at home.............when it died, I decided not to drop 12 million Dong on a full-sized laptop. So I bought a pre-assembled barebones desktop and some components.

Got a Sony Vaio plus tower case, 450-watt power supply, Intel motherboard with an Atom 1.6gig processor, a gig of 800 RAM, an 80gig SATA hard drive, HP lightscribe DVD burner, generic speaker subwoofer set (which kinda cranks, actually, 'cause the Vietnamese are HUGE on Karaoke....the louder, the better for them), and a PCI slot wi-fi antenna......oh, and it also came with a 16" widescreen flat monitor, keyboard, optical mouse and a 4gig USB flash drive.

5 million Dong....

....thass $275 to you and I.

It ain't great, but it's more than I need......








I have got a PDA (that I'm still trying to figure out), a drugstore, a skooter, a mechanic, a lifeline, a bank account, my cafes (there are no Pubs here as we know them....so if ya wanna pint or a vodka-tonic, ya go to a cafe.....don't ask)......

......I established all this in a foreign country 12 time zones away from where I had lived most of my life in a matter of 2 months.

Damm......gotta remember to pat myself on the back later.....

Still, a few things take getting used to. One example would be The Goddamm National Nap! What this is, is basically where everything and everyone (and I literally mean EVERYTHING and EVERYONE) shuts down between 11AM and 1:30pm everyday. They maul a quick lunch, and go to sleep.

This doesn't really work well for a person who goes to work between 4:30pm and 9PM, dies at 2AM and wakes up at 10AM, ready to accomplish a full slate of to-do tasks.

Riding a skooter in a land of no enforced traffic laws also takes getting used to.....and sometimes it's a pain in the ass keeping road-rage in check.....but ya got to - otherwise, it shows a loss of face.

Eating some variation of rice and/or noodles every Goddamm day wears thin quickly.....but, then again, so do I - I've shed 8 kilos since I got here, and my pants are literally sliding offa me and I have five buckle holes in my belt....I'm now at the fifth, and after that, the belt will be too large for me......

But still, Christ, I would easily commit homicide for an order of 20 Duff's wings or a Ziggy's steak sub or three Buffalo tacos.....their attempt at Western Food here in Hai Phong is......ahhhhh.....ahhhh.......

....we'll leave it at that.

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Getting SOME grasp of the Vietnamese Language....though it's really painful to hear my attempt to speak it.....

  • List of Vietnamese words that I know.....

Tea

Beer

Hello

Goodbye

Good Night

Like (as in, to like something or someone)

Yes

No

Thank You

Beef Noodle Soup

Dick

Floor (like, as in the 6th floor)

Father

Mother

Brother

Too expensive

Year

Month

Day

Boy

Girl

Airplane

Car

Language

Fat

Thin

Ox (or, Buffalo, as they call it here)

Monkey

Bread

Milk

Sugar

Flower

Heart

Oh my God!”

Rain

Snow

Foreigner

Crazy (insane)


New words are being added daily – check back and keep updated!!



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More cultural faux pas......


I was invited to have lunch at Tam's house. Over her mum's ribs, Tam was translating back and forth between her parents and I. I'm sure that something got lost in translation somewhere, but apparently, I was on a roll, and they were quite interested in what I was saying and were smiling at my attempts to narrate bemusing ancedotes and shoot out glib quips, and Tam translated to me that they said that "....'you have a winning tongue'....."

I ALMOST shot out - "Interesting.....a few ex-girlfriends of mine have said the same thing, and......"

Fortunately, said tongue got bitten by upper and lower teeth before such a comment was made....





Did an upper-level class on a topic of Korean movies ('cause, for some absolutely bizarre reason, the Vietnamese kids go total apeshit over anything Korean). I was given a list of six movies to research by one of the Vietnamese staff. Of course, the list was in English, and Googling them didn't give me many results. So I went into the class half-blind on the topic.

Now, this class is composed of about 12 girls and four boys. And after hearing the girls explain synopses with recurring themes, I blurted out "Oh Christ - I got handed a list of chick flicks!"

Jerry Brown look on the students faces -

"Right" I explained. "A Chick Flick is a movie with all of these same elements in it's theme. Waiii a sec - girls, help me here - now, on this list which I was given, we had films where a really well-heeled handsome boy ignores all of the high-society severe hottie chicks and falls in love with the poor, average looking-girl whose father is a blacksmith or a garbageman or something because she's fun and has a great personality. Right, we have also had films where a girl is in love with two or more boys and confusion, hilarity, and madcap zany hijinx abound! And we've also talked about movies where the girl was in a coma for a few years, or she had left the country for a while, and wakes up or comes home, and accidentally bumps her first high school love, but he's married......but then his wife isn't home one day and he sees a note that she left saying that she's left him for another guy, right? And they rekindle their love whilst trying to find each other all over the world. But no one EVER dies....otherwise, it ain't a Chick Flick....got it??"

Heads start nodding slowly.......

"OK...less lookie at this gem - called 'Boys over Flowers' - Now, who here has seen this movie?"

11 girls and one boy raised their hands.

"DUDE!!!! Put yer Goddamm hand down!"

"OK......OK....cool....cool....sorry about that - allright, Dude....now, did your girlfriend force you to see this flick??"

"No, I don't have a girlfriend......"

"Ahhhh......OK.....ahhhh.....lemme get my 15,000 Dong original, perfectly legitimate copy of "Gran Torino" back from Tam and I'll get that to you tomorrow.....'K?? We'll man you up yet......"





Had a particularly troublesome lower-level class (like, ten-eleven years old) a couple days ago...just obnoxious and wouldn't behave or shut up!!

So, as I was reading out of chapter 12 from the text, entitled "Holiday in Nha Trang"......

.....reminded me of something, so I started singing aloud - "It's a Holiday in Nha Trang....where you'll do what your told.....a Holiday in Nha Trang....where............."

Me singing started them smiling and giggling.....

"Cute, eh? Well....tell ya what - if you behave for the remainder of the class, I'll show you a video of that song. Sound good?"

So, during the last five minutes of class, on the 46" LCD screen, I played this link for them -

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=1379633

By the end of the video......oh man, you shoulda seen the pale, ashen look on the Vietnamese staff member's face who was sitting in the back of the class (this early 20's girl named Trang).......

The kids loved Jello, though.....




On the above mentioned computer, I had noticed on the website that it had stated that is had a DOS operating system. "Great," I figured ".....by the time I get a pirated copy mailed from the states, the computer will be obsolete! Oh well....time to toss Emperor Gates a hundred-fiddy for XP Pro."


So I hop to another computer store, ask for an operating system, and get led to the software counter and the guy told me to wait a while.....

Well I'm waiting there for 20 minutes thinking "What the fuck?? Is he waiting for a
U.S. mail shipment from Redmond, Washington for the Goddamm thing???"

Then......he tells me that it'll be 17,000 Dong (like, one U.S. dollar) and hands me this
burned CD of XP Pro SP2 wiff a product key sharpie-ed on it!


I laffed so hard, I alomst fell over....I mean, it was just so overt and normal, it was
bizarre!! Just bizarre....the guy and everybody else just acted as though he sold me a
candy bar or something!

And THEN, later that night, as I'm putting the hardware together and I fire my computer
up???

It ALREADY magically HAS a copy of Windows XP Professional SP3 on it.....

Too funny.....


LOTSA pics on the next post.....soon as I buy a new battery charger for my battries for my camera....

-E-

Monday, March 9, 2009

More Blatherings.....

Ho Chi Minh City was actually fun! I had been here in April, 2008 for 27 hours and did not really care for it that much at all. This time, however, I really enjoyed it.

Did a LOT, A LOT of walking around aimlessly, checked out some computer stores (and, yeah, stuff at Fry's is about 25% cheaper than the same things here are), drank several pints, played some slot machines (and walked away $110 US Dollars happier), and finally caught up with my Viet Kieu buddy, Mai Thy,

I had worked with Mai Thy in the Bureau of Development Services for the City of Portland Government back in the Halcyon days. She was visiting family in Ho Chi Minh City thee same weekend that I was gonna be there.

Well, she FINALLY called me on Sunday because she had gotten deathly ill because of the pollution and excessive cigarette smoke ('cause she's used to Portlandia's clean air and Draconian anti-smoking laws) and was out of order forra week. Caught up with her, met her entire extended family and we all went out to celebrate International Woman's Day (which is a big deal here in Vietnam) at a posh restaurant with a mammoth hot pot feast befitting royalty! I had offered to pay, but Mai Thy's family would hear no such talk!

Her family told me that I talk and act “...like a Northerner....” I THINK thass a good thing.....I dunno.....I mean, I like Hai Phong, and what little Tieng Viet (Vietnamese language) I DO speak, I learn from my friends and “family” in Hai Phong.

Wish I coulda stayed in Ho Chi Minh City longer......my opinion of the place went from “sucks” in April 2008 to “kinda cool, actually....” in March 2009.

NOW, if only they could do something about the excessive heat here......


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When you feel that you did what you needed to do, didn't do drugs, kept your shit clean, and seeked out the middle-class American dream, and yet you never quite got there....mostly through no fault of your own....and when you run away during a brutal economic depression (whilst watching well-connected white guys steal money from people with no repercussions), like a rat deserting a sinking ship, and things are going wonderfully in your new ex-pat nation, then it becomes pretty easy to dis the United States........

When the family you live with treats you like a King, and worries about your every decision, you tend to grow to appreciate them and respect them and be glad that they're there for you.

My “mother”, Hang (you pronounce that “Haaahng”) is an absolute angel. A woman who will grab me and throw me down at the table whenever I come downstairs and make sure that have enough to eat (maybe not a good thing for me, but still....), do my laundry for me, etc. etc.

Well, I had gotten home from class one night and had decided to sit in the lobby of the Guesthouse that they own right next door to the main house where I reside. Ngoc and Hang were already there, chatting. Grabbed a couple pints and we began conversing.....

We then saw on TV during a news program this American guy who was being led away in handcuffs and surrounded buy all these Asian guys in uniforms. Ngoc explained to me that this guy had been busted in Thailand for attempting to obtain guns and smuggle 'em back into the US.

“Do people have guns in America?” Hang asked.

“Well, you CAN obtain a gun legally, but it's a huge pain in the ass. You hafta go before a Judge, get fingerprinted, and they REEEAALLLLY look you over good. If they are satisfied, then they issue you a slip of paper that lets you go buy a gun.” I answered. “But that is not how most people obtain guns in America.”

“If not thru Judge, then how?” asked Ngoc

“Errrmmm, they pretty much go to any street corner in any big city and just buy a gun from someone.....no paper, no questions!” I told her.

“Ah, I see. Do you have a gun in America?” Hang asked me.

“Me??!!? Oh fuck no!! I despise guns! But I know several people in America who do have a gun. Are people allowed to have guns in Vietnam?”

“No.....noooooo......if you have gun, you go prison for three years!!” Ngoc responded.

“Hmmm.....same as The States. Do your prisons here have Cable TV and conjugal visits?”

“Sorry?? I do not understand.”

“Nothing, Ngoc, bad joke. So, does Vietnam have the Death Penalty?”

“I do not know such thing, can you please tell me?”

I then explained to Hang and Ngoc that, in some parts of America, if you kill somebody, then go to trial, then are found guilty, the Government kills you.

“Oh. Wow......no, no, we do not do that here. A person goes to prison for 20 years, maybe more” said Ngoc.

“My mother love America!” Ngoc said. “I do too. It is so free! Do you love America?”

Now, this was a loaded question, even though it was never intended to be. But still, I was pretty sure that the PATRIOT Act did not extend overseas, so I spoke freely -

“Well, there are a lot of fucked up things about America and it's inhabitants......but it's not a bad place.....and it can only get better with President Obama now in office!”

“My mother tried to go to America.....”

“Oh? What happened? They turn her away at the border?”

“No, The Cong find her boat.......and bring her back to Viet Nam......”

“Squeeze me????!!!!” I shot back, as my jaw didn't hit the floor, but dropped straight through it!

“Yes, my mother did not make it. She leave Saigon in small boat when she was 20 years old (1975)......but The Cong get her boat. She still loves America as Number One, though!”

I sat there, dumbfounded. I literally could not say a word!! I mean, in grade school, we used to have these cheezy reading aid papers called “Weekly Readers” In one particular edition, there was a story about Vietnamese “boat people” who hopped into (literally) rowboats and tried to hop THOUSANDS of miles over to the U.S........many people died. But these people were stories in a school reading assignment! Then when I got older, these people were stories on the news on TV........

.......but to actually know somebody who risked death to make it to America.......THAT was different....it really personifies things......

Generally, the Vietnamese dislike displays of emotion, namely anger and sadness......I hadta go out into the alley for a few minutes.

It will really make me think before I slag off The U.S. again.....

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I had told Tam about a month ago that I''d like to chill at Ngoc and Hang's place for February, and then set off and find a place of my own. Tam had then explained how much they really like me, how much they truly enjoy having me around (I can LITERALLY count on one hand the number of people who feel that way about me), and that it would “....bring great sadness to them.....” if I took off.

Well, hell.....I had brought great sadness to a number of people back in America.......so now would be a good time to attempt to change my ways.

“To bring great sadness” in Vietnam is like the atomic bomb. It is thee last thing you use when you would like someone to do something. I had decided to give this a try when I got Ngoc and Hang hooked on black tea I had brought from Canada ('cause all that they drink here is that nasty-ass rot-gut green tea shit).

Ngoc had stated that she must go look for some and buy more!

I had told her that I have some more and I will give her some.


She was quite insistent that I do not.

I then told her that it would bring great sadness to me if she did not accept this tea that am giving her!

It worked.....

I mean, shit! All Robert McNamera hadta do was to go up to Ho Chi Minh and state - “We are really hurt by your incursions into the South of Vietnam. It brings us great sadness!” and we probably wouldn't have had a Vietnam War!


More shortly.....

-E-


Friday, March 6, 2009

Blatherings about experiences in Vietnam......


I was teaching an advanced level class (like, 16-17 year-olds) last week and the topic I was given to present was “Food”. It's a free-form format (as opposed to teaching with a textbook), so I thought that I'd ask the students some of their favourite Vietnamese dishes and then ask them about some Foreign dishes that they've heard about.

Well, for the first list, I got the usual suspects (Pho Bo, Bangmy Pate, Fish sauce [GOD I love that stuff] and about five different dishes involving rice).

One student then mentioned “Chao”, or Dog! OK, cool, I said, and I put it up on the blackboard. Then another mentioned “Meo” or cat.

Oooooohhh-KAY.....trying to keep a poker-face expression here.....

“Errrmmm......can anybody clear this up for me? I had heard that eating Meo (cat) is now illegal in Vietnam. Is this true??”

The class all nodded yes in unison.

“OK....right, so has anyone here tried Meo before”

“Of course” said one girl.

“Errmmm......OK.....ahhhh......does anyone actually LIKE Meo?” I asked.

“Yes” said several people.

So I asked the girl - “OK....errrmm....ahhhh....what does Meo taste like?

“It is nice. It is more.....more....how you say.....teender and zooschy than Chao (Dog) is”

“Ahh....OK, more tender and juicy than dog, ahhhh, gotcha....I see”

“Ooer....look at the time! Class dismissed”

Don't think I'll eat ANY meat for a while now.....but I'll get over it. I mean, what do the Hindus think when they come to visit America and some guy in the restaurant is eating a big-ass Porterhouse at the table right next to them??

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I was told by a kind gent who owns a bar/hotel in Cat Ba that "Xin Chow", depending on HOW EXACTLY it's said in terms of pronunciation and accentual stress, can mean A) – Hello or B) – noodles. Much like the word “mua”, depending on where the accentual stress is placed, can either mean “rain” or “to buy something”.

Wonderful!!! At least twice a day, little Vietnamese kids (and sometime little Vietnamese adults) come up to me on the street and say “Hello” in English.....and, with my luck, I answer back in Tieng Viet (The Vietnamese Language) “Noodles!!!” instead of “Hello!”

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Oh God....now I'm really going to Hell......

Tam had gotten the can from the school, which was partially MY fault – I mean, when a meek, submissive Vietnamese girl starts hanging with an American who takes no shit from anybody [just ask the Human Resources department of a certain municipal government], fun and hi-jinx are sure to follow!

I won't go into the gory details here, because I kinda like my job, and I haf no idea WHO actually reads this, sooooo.........but still, I now realise why people kept calling me a bad influence when I was younger....

I felt very, VERY badly about the entire thing, but Tam told me to put it out of my mind. “I have not felt this happy in a long time – it is almost like relief! I am now no longer intimidated and.....how you say.....bully?”

“Bullied” I corrected her.

So, she somehow got connected into a job as a church secretary, a position she'll be starting in the next few weeks. They gave her a preliminary assignment before she actually takes the reins as church secretary – learn the Bible.

“E, there are things I cannot understand! So much confusion. Can you please help me?? It bring much happiness to me if you can help me understand Bible.......”

Now, THIS is a mistake! Asking me to assist in understanding The Bible is very similar to asking Adolf Hitler to elaborate on the benefits of racial diversity.....or asking Pol Pot to explain WHY dissent by intellectuals actually is a good thing for the nation.

“But, you tell me that this used to be your former religion???” Tam asked.

“Yeah, and it wasn't truly voluntary” I responded.

So, Tam swung by my pad, and I asked: “OK, what do you hafta know and where do we start?”

“I must read the first book of Bible – Genesee – must learn the parts 1 through 12”

“I try to avoid that book....especially the Cream Ale in the pounder bottles”

“No, I am sorry. I mean.....uhhh....'Genesis'...”

“King James Version, Peter Gabriel Version or Phil Collins Version??”

“I do not understand, can you tell me difference?”

“Tam....I'm sorry.....bad joke”

“OK, I start on this page......” as she was about to open the book.

“In the beginning, God created the heavens and the Earth......” I said.

“WOW!!! You remember that from your young days as Christian?”

“No, I remember that from a question in the 'Arts and Literature' category in a Trivial Pursuit
game in my 20s – 'WHAT are the first ten words in The Bible?'”

And so it went, and I know I'm going to hell, where I'll do speedballs with River Phoenix and Sid Vicious.....because, as I explained the story of Adam and Eve, Cain and Able, and Noah and the Great Flood, I added way too many sarcastic editorial comments (“Soooo, now, Tam – How do you suppose that if Adam and Eve were the first humans, and they had two sons, where the fuck did Cain get a wife from?? eHarmony.com?” - “Now, The Great Flood killed every living thing on the planet.....but in the part where the sun finally comes out and shit dried up, it now says here that Noah's three sons each had a wife. Where did the wives come from?? I mean, the flood killed everything, right? And if they were on the ark from the get-go, then, right before the flood, when God ordered Noah to take aboard only TWO of each animal and plant species, were humans given an exemption to that “Two-of-every-species” command by God??”).

I really shoulda tried to be more neutral......but, as she left for home, I told her to keep an eye on her purse.....and not from the pickpockets on the street......

More later....

-E-